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Irukandji
 
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The Russians have landed!

27 June 2013, 17:47

I have always been *nuuskierig. Eager for knowledge and given to inquiry or research without trying to be improperly curious, or unduly prying, into the affairs of my fellow humans. This story is about one of my “researches” into the unknown.

Maybe you’ve also noticed the adverts to meet Russian girls and Polish ladies on the hallowed pages of News24: “Open the Way to Blondes, Brunettes and Acres of Fun!”     

I decided to ignore the advert for the ladies who do the Polishing and cleaning (are there still people who polish things around the house nowadays?), and concentrate my efforts on the daughters of the **Rooi Gevaar and their “Acres of Fun.”

On the website, AnastasiaDate.com, you can “Meet Russian Women Free.” You start a Trial Offer, receive ***30 Complimentary Credits – and you can Date Now!

This was when I suddenly realized that I’ve lost the plot.

With “340 Ladies Available to Chat Now,” and the promise that “Love Knows no Boundaries,” all I had to do was register (for free) and start using my 30 Complimentary Credits on Elena, Irina, Inna, Valeriya, Albina, Svetlana, Olga, Etcetera, Vita, Oksana, Karina, Tatyana, Alonia, Marina, Etcetera – they all have names ending with the first letter of the alphabet. All 340 of them talking to you at the same time, and you with only 30 Complimentary Credits!!! Wow…

But that’s not all!

Each photograph of the Russian girls carries a short description: “Never married lady with brown eyes and chestnut hair. Never married lady with blue eyes and blond hair. Never married lady with gray eyes and brown hair. Never married lady with green eyes and red hair. Never married lady with red eyes and no hair.” And so on…

Not a word about their cooking, dish-washing, lawn mowing, bed making, light-bulb changing, housekeeping, or child raising abilities. But, I suppose that’s not important right now.

You also have the choice of sorting your search results by:

·         Beautiful ladies first

·         Latest entries first

·         Age descending or ascending

·         Good-humored ladies first

I find this extremely odd. Are there really people out there who would want to chat to the oldest, ugliest, cantankerous crones the Russians have on offer?

The mind boggles.

But then, just before I finally registered and crossed the line into the world of virtual cyber-adultery, I read this short endorsement of the Russian girls, by someone called John M:

You have a great site and your professionalism is fabulous. My best wishes to you all for this holiday season. Sincerely, John M, December 2009.”

Three and a Half years ago! And no one has complimented the Russian girls since then!

I googled “John M” and found that it was none other than John Major – the oldest living former British Prime Minister – a has-been politician and son of a circus performer. You cannot trust a politician or a clown; so I’m not signing up and allowing the Russians to land on our polluted shores! No soiree, Bob!

I was foiled! And this by an old man who once had an extramarital affair with a woman named Edwina. (Notice her name also ends with an “a.”)

So, thanks to John, my chances of chatting to 340 Russian girls – and enjoying their Acres of Fun – died a premature death.

Damn!

*nuuskierig – from Afrikaans, meaning: inquisitive, with a rubber neck

**Rooi Gevaar – Russians

***Complimentary Credits – free Russian condoms

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