The Tokoloshe is alive and well and living with a Silverton doctor! Sounds like something from the Daily SUN, doesn’t it? But it’s true.
While waiting for a traffic light to change (I must be the only driver in the country that still does that silly thing), I was fascinated by two guys who were handing out flyers (pamphlets). They sidestepped and evaded speeding cars like professional bullfighters; reminiscent of the old-style matadors; fighting enraged bulls in that ancient Roman arena: the Colostomy.
The Matadores de Toros approached my car and, after taking good long looks inside the car for something to plunder, they handed me two flyers and two smiles. I wished them a happy “You Humans are All Right Day” and gave them with a couple of “Olé’s.” (I’m not allowed to give money to bullfighters at traffic intersections – *Haram, you understand.)
By the way, each year on Good Friday (which normally falls on a Friday), the Pope leads a torch-lit procession that starts at the Colostomy. But don’t expect Saint Francis to hand out money to bullfighters, because – just like me – it’s against his religion.
(But that’s not important right now.)
The matadors’ pamphlets were from two highly educated, honest, gentlemen of the medical profession: **Dr. KK Alfred from Silverton, and ***Dr. Shafik Kawagga from Mamelodi. This is what these two doctors claim:
Doctor KK has a powerful Kilimanjaro Tokoloshe who lives with him. He can recover stolen property and will Roto-Rooter your lover’s blocked tubes in four minutes flat. For a small fee, he can give you a permanent erection. Permanent, as in: undying. (A word to the wise: “Be careful what you wish for,” my old Dad always used to say.)
The good doctor claims to be the current leader of the grand shrine which has been in existence since 1820 – a source of the most powerful unseen force. By coincidence, 1820 was also the year in which several groups of white British colonists settled in South Africa. (That proves it: The bloody colonialist agents and the most powerful unseen force are one and the same thing!)
His colleague, Doctor Kawagga, will remove Dr. KK’s Tokoloshe from your home for a small fee.
Kawagga can also stop your lover from fighting with you. (You realise, of course, that she’s fighting with you because you had the Tokoloshe removed.)
He can also bring back your lost lover. (After the fight, she moved in with the Tokoloshe at Dr. KK’s house and doesn’t want to come back to you.)
But that’s not all! As a grand finale, he will also permanently enlarge your reproduction mechanism! (“Penis” sounds so short, doesn’t it?)
So there you are: Home Alone – in a state of permanent enlargement – and no one to share it with. Serves you right for meddling with the Tokoloshe!
But, jokes aside, shouldn’t we complain to the Advertising Standards Authority of South Africa (ASSES) about the Tokoloshe? ASSES declare on their web page: “Advertising is a service to the public and, as such, should be informative, factual, honest, decent, and its content should not violate any of the laws of the country.”
Shouldn’t you lodge a complaint with the ASSES because the Tokoloshe violated your Human Rights by taking your lover away from you; leaving you permanently scarred and scared?
And finally, there have been hundreds of comments from atheists, agnosticians, vegetablerians, paganicians, and other confusions, about the nonexistence of God. But no one has commented on the existence of the Tokoloshe. So he must be real!
I’m willing to bet that there are more Tokoloshians than Christians in this country.
PS Just for the fun of it, feel free to give the good doctors a call and to make an appointment – tell them Irukandji sent you. Give my regards to old Toko.
*Haram – Arabic term meaning "sinful".
**Dr. KK Alfred – cell: 072 817 0416
***Dr. Shafik Kawagga – cell: 078 840 2430
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