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The Zombie Apocalypse is here

31 May 2012, 11:11

At the risk of seeming to be entirely bored by the ANC's bullying and racist shrieks from everyone, has nobody else noticed the beginning of the Zombie Apocalypse?

Seriously, I started paying attention when that poor homeless guy in Miami had 80% of his face eaten off by someone else. They were both naked under a bridge. The eater was shot the first time and simply growled at the policeman. It took another five shots to kill him. Sound familiar? It should if you have watched any zombie movie or played Resident Evil.

Then there is the Japanese artist who, at 22, decided he was a-sexual enough to remove his genitals and cook them, selling them to the highest bidder in a restaurant. An artistic expression I, personally, find a lot more bizarre than anything our South Africans could come up with.

But that's not all folks, the Chinese, known for interesting food, have been producing dead baby pills and condoning the consumption of fetuses.

Then there are severed limbs being sent to various Canadian government departments.

So, when the Zombie Apocalypse is seen for what it is and not just a bunch of coincidental occurrences, there are some things you might want to bear in mind in order to stay alive and in-skin (not like poor face-munched guy in Miami):

1. Pull yourself together. Zombies cannot deal with water. Find a lake, pond, ocean, dam and buy a boat. Alternatively, find a house somewhere with a pool and claim squatting rights.
2. Get armed. Zombies are only killed by a shot to the head, or completely removing the head from its already-dead corpse. There is no need to feel bad -- like I said, it's already dead. Also, while being grateful we live in a country that allows for private gun ownership remember his very important fact: you need to shoot them twice in the head. This is known as the double-tap.
3. Kill them all. If someone you know is bitten by a zombie, shoot it in the head. No messing about with this. They definitely will become zombies and, remember, you like your face where it is. So, mom got bitten? "Bye mom."
4. Zombies do not discriminate. Zombies are not racist. They do not care if you are a card-carrying ANC or KKK member, or a Christian or Muslim -- holy water will not work here folks. They want your flesh. Humans - the other white meat. They also have no brains, which makes reasoning with them about as easy as trying to convince Mugabe that he really has no business being a tourism ambassador to the UN.
5. Run. Very important - it doesn't matter how fast you can run, just make sure you are always with someone who can run slower than you can.

And that's all folks. Honestly, there are bigger things to worry about right now than the president's penis. Like your own face.





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