Today I was watching two pigeons during their courting and mating ritual. And while they were busy with it, I couldn’t resist the urge to subtitle the whole process.
“Nice butt… wanna mate?”
“Fancy a quickie?”
“WHAT? What do you think I am?”
“… A pigeon?”
“I am a lady!”
“Yeah, ok, but still a pigeon. You wanna mate?”
“NO! I don’t go around mating any Tom, Dick or Harry. I hardly know you!”
“Hi Lisa, I am Henry”
“I know, you just told me. Now leave me alone!”
“Well, since you admit knowing me… let’s mate!”
“NOOO! Especially not here. Where on a bridge, for god’s sake!”
“… What? But since when do we pigeons care about where we mate?”
“I care! Look around you… all pigeons seem to fancy this bridge and I for one, will not mate in public!
“Ok… give me a sec… EVERYBODY MOVE AWAY FROM THIS BRIDGE! THIS IS MY MATING PLACE AND YOU ARE ALL EITHER TOO LATE OR TOO UGLY TO EVEN LOOK AT LISA. HER ASS IS MINE!!!
“So, they’re gone. Now let’s mate!”
“What? Not again! What is your problem! It is just a mate… not a five course dinner I am offering you…”
“I… I am still a virgin. And my parents won’t approve it… have to get married first!”
“What a pile of poo! I just came of your mamma and she wouldn’t mind! She knows her place and so should you. YOU’RE A PIGEON FOR PEET’S SAKE!”
“No, no, no and NO! What syllable of NO don’t you get?”
“Oh crap! Now you really got me mad! Look. Let’s make it easy for the both of us. You just turn around and I will disappear for good. Just count to three. How’s that?”
“One… Two… OW!“
“What was that for? Why did you pick me on the head?”
“Hehehehe… The pigeon’s way of finishing the act of mating! You’ve been had just now. Check-mate. One second flat! You wanna cigarette?”
“YOU FILTHY PIG! YOU RAPED ME!!! YOU… YOU…”
“Ok, ok. I get it already! It was amazing, I concur! But to call it rape? Why not call it an instinctive necessity? Like all pigeons do?”
“Yeah… me… hehehehehe”
“I am going to tell my dad about it! Just wait here, you filthy pig!
“Hehehehe, yeah, fly off… Hey.. Hi there, I’m Henry… you wanna mate?”