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R.Phiri
 
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The brains behind the Info Bill

02 December 2011, 14:01

President: Members of Parliament I have summoned you here in my capacity as the president of South Africa. Ladies and Gentlemen, we are facing a dire crisis that we really need to address immediately.

 

Members of Parliament: Dude what seems to be the problem, which one of us screwed up this time? Is it Minister Mbalula…his doing most of the screwing these days.

 

President: We have misused public funds, provided citizens with poor service delivery, committed the highest level of fraud beyond fathom, and also refused a religious bold guy from entering our country… hell!  We even went as far as arranging two Indian guys to assist me; the president with further corruption. But still… South African citizens’ love and vote for us regardless. Why…why are South African citizens so dumb? What else can we possibly do to make them realize that we are all incompetent of running the country?

 

 

Members of Parliament: Dude I have an Idea… how about we provide them with poor service delivery and open toilets.

 

 

President: Ag dude! We done that already…these blacks are used to it by now!

 

 

Members of Parliament: Perhaps we can compose another song to kill more farmers.

 

 

President: That trend is really starting become monotonous now and in any case our song will never make it onto the charts, as long as this Justin Bieber dude is around. Plus my step son Julius is too old and fat for Idols. It really puzzles me as to how agent Shaik, Malema, Cele, Shivambu and many others failed to execute project “screw the country”.

 

 

Members of Parliament: MR President Dude, I would have been able to execute the project, but I was tied up in Switzerland visiting my girl friend while misusing public funds. If you never fired me publically we wouldn’t be in this predicament. You knew that I was your best agent and that no one else could screw up the country more than me. But instead you deployed Julius – a boy, to do a man’s job. What can a little fat boy in a purple, Barney the dragon -like suit, possibly do to screw up the country…he is incompetent for the position.

 

 

 

President: Calm down! Ladies and Gentlemen we need an oppressive system or a Bill that will screw the lives of both Blacks and Whites.

 

 

 

Members of Parliament: And what about the lives of coloureds and Indians MR President?

 

 

 

 

President: We already gave coloureds liquor, gingivitis and Patricia De Lille, dudes that’s bad enough.  As for Indians…well Shrien Dewani, Schaik and Big Mac my spokesperson are doing a good job at tarnishing their race. I know that the country is facing an HIV/Aids epidemic, that’s making most of you agents reluctant to screw the country, in fear of being infected. But we seriously need a new system to make project “screw the country” effective.

 

                                                                                                

 

Members of Parliament: Mr. President, Mr. President! I actually have another Idea!

 

 

 

President: Yes! Sex a Whale, what do you have in mind.

 

 

 

Members of Parliament: It’s Sexwale sir. We can infect people with Aids and manipulate them into believing that a shower can cure Aids.

 

 

President: That’s the dumbest idea I ever heard of!  I thought Helen’s idea of prosecuting men who don’t wear condoms was dumb…but yours takes the retard cake. God I’m glad that you are not president! Gosh can you believe this guy…seriously now guys we need to come up with feasible ideas.

 

 

Members of Parliament: We can create a Bill that will prevent citizens and especially the media, from meddling in our political affairs. A Bill that will make us impervious to any form of prosecution, which will also prevents us from being accountable for any form of corruption; A Bill that will infuriate every living entity in South Africa, which includes Albinos too. But what can we call this Bill?

 

 

President: How about….The Smoke Screen Bill for government corruption.

 

 

 

Members of Parliament: That’s too long and most Citizens are uneducated; making it hard for them to remember the name.

 

 

 

President: What name did I suggest earlier on again…hmmm I forgot. Fine will call it the Information Bill. Please make sure that this Bill doesn’t have any loopholes this time.

 

 

Members of Parliament: Don’t worry Mr. President; we will remove the “public interest” defense.  It’s now up to you to approve the Bill and make it law.

 

 

President: Good! This calls for celebration, set aside R400m for party, but in the mean time Lindiwe could you be a darling and make us all tea.

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