Are you ready for 21 December 2012; the day the world will end? Have you got your affairs in order or will you be caught running around like a headless chicken in a shopping mall?
After painstaking research into the field of scatology (or coprology, as it is also known), I have come to the conclusion that the world will definitely, absolutely, unquestionably, positively, and without a doubt, come to its final irreversible end, four days before Christmas this year.
What are my findings based on? Well, I’ll tell you. It’s those Mayans, of course.
The Mayan civilization existed from 250-900 A.D. in the current geographical location of southern Mexico, Guatemala, Belize, El Salvador and some of Honduras. In other words: in those slum areas where the locals get plastered on Tequila and eat tamales with hot chilli beans – before luring the nearest female alpaca into their beds.
Archaeologists studying the Mayan’s fascinating culture have been able to decipher their many calendars, but their longest period calendar – the "Long Count" – is what set alarm bells off in the fertile minds of a few bright researchers.
For the sceptics, atheists, agnostics, and doubters amongst you – those who are not familiar with the term “Long Count” – let me explain.
Long Count, or Slow Count, is a term used in boxing. When a boxer is knocked down in a fight, the referee will count over them and the boxer must rise to their feet unaided by the count of ten, or else is deemed to have been knocked out. A long count occurs when a boxer is given more than the allotted time (a notional ten seconds) to rise to his or her feet. Got it?
OK, so let’s proceed.
If you have been following the news, or been reading the newspapers, you would probably have come to the conclusion that, like a punch drunk boxer, the Earth is staggering. The Long Count has been going on for a long time. Now, keep in mind that the signs of the “End Times” have been preached for many centuries. Wars, famine, false prophets, earthquakes, e-tolling, changes to the names of cities and streets, bankrupt municipalities, the downfall of the ANCYL president – all of these things are clear indicators of the END.
But, for you non-believers, I have added a stunning clue to the coming of the December Apocalypse – the undisclosed evidence which was found at Tortuguero.
The Tortuguero site, in Tabasco, Mexico, dates from the 7th century AD and consists of a series of inscriptions. One inscription, known as Tortuguero Monument 6, is the only inscription known to refer to b'ak'tun 13. It reads:
“tzuhtzjo:m uy-u:xlaju:n pik,
chan ajaw u:x uni:w,
ye'ni/ye:n bolon yokte',
ta chak joya.”
Translated this means:
“In the year 2012,
On the 21st of December,
At exactly thirteen minutes past eleven,
The world will cease to exist.”
A further clue is from the *motto on our own Coat of Arms: !ke e: /xarra //ke.
Which means: “The tribe has spoken.”
So there you have it; proof positive. The End of the World. Don’t say you weren’t warned.
PS Just in case the Mayans were wrong, don’t leave your Christmas shopping till the last minute. Avoid the rush.
* The motto comes from the Khoisan language of the /Xam people. They lived in Mexico and in South Africa before these countries were colonised.