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jcarnecky
 
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The last, final, absolute death blow to Atheists

23 August 2012, 11:05

This one goes out to all the perverted God-hating, fact loving, Stephen “I’m a professor with a 200 IQ” Hawking followers. Sheep! I am going to bury your ‘religion’ forever! You are all NUTS!  

Allow me to demonstrate (if you will), the power of logical argument! But first let me just state my qualifications, so that none may refute my wisdom.

I have read the whole bible. At 3.25 chapters per day (approximately 5 - 10 minutes), this took me an ENTIRE year! Let me compare this to one of your silly ‘disciples’, Kip Thorne. This so called intellectual received his Ph.D. (under John Wheeler no less) after many years of difficult studying (Hundreds of textbooks each containing thousands upon thousands of facts, based on many years of MODERN research). Thereafter he pursued a life of scholarship, becoming a professor and mentoring around 50 physicists. That’s 50 lives wasted! 50 people who could have been on their knees worshipping instead of ‘learning facts’ or ‘changing the world’. What a fool this Kip Thorne is. He will answer for his evil sins when smiting time comes! I mean it’s just absurd to think that he could know more than me. I have the WHOLE bible covered. I know everything there is to know about everything. How could a VERY smart man who has spent his entire life learning know more than I? He cannot. And this is why I and all my brothers are prepared to go toe to toe with people like him, and ridicule his research. Because we really understand it! I will have the last laugh, when I am being given a backrub by 40 virgins, and having my feet washed by Jesus while Kip is toiling in the salt mines below!

I digress - the objective of this article is to sink the fools who dare use their brains for such silly tasks as thinking and...and stuff like that. Everyone who has read the bible will know that our brains were given to us for one purpose only; to worship. Any spare capacity for logical thought means that you are simply not worshipping hard enough.

The first of the atheist scum to receive my wrath shall be the so called ‘geologists’ and evolution sympathizers. What rubbish. Here is my absolute proof that your theories are complete tripe;

I went to bed last night after a long swim and a long run. When I woke up, I was neither a fish, nor a cheetah. So there! Irrefutable proof. Another thing - even though I really enjoy a good cheese platter, none of my children are mice, or French. After many years in the sun, my head is not an umbrella! The good book states, quite logically, that man appeared from nowhere because God was bored and needed a new thing to get angry with and punish for doing what he created it to do, so he created us. The fact that everything shares DNA is just a complete coincidence. No wait - it’s a trick to test our faith. Well it’s either a trick or a coincidence, but it’s no reason to get ahead of ourselves and start ‘thinking’. You dim-witted geologists with your ‘rock layers’, ‘fossils’ and other so called proofs, have no idea. The ONLY questions you should be asking about buried bones, is with reference to Cain and Abel, and where did they bury theirs? No I take that back. That would be a question. Don’t ask those. I sense a vengeful smiting...

Now that you rock diggers and Darwinian fools have been utterly placated, let me turn my attention to the most foolish of them all – the Big-bangers. Hahaha. Oh how it makes me laugh that you think the universe just popped into existence in an explosion and expanded to all that we can see today. NO it did not! It popped into existence without an explosion because an invisible dude who is somehow outside of his own creation willed it that way. This is far more logical. I have studied the bible for a whole year and know this to be true. There are no contradictions here. Let me just finish you off for once and for all by listing your pieces of ‘evidence’ and crushing each of them one at a time:

1.    The big bang theory: Well this one is EASY to dispel. It’s the big bang ‘theory’ not the big bang ‘fact’. That alone is enough to prove it is nonsense. See how infallible my logic is? I didn’t even need to bash you over the head with a bible there.

2.    The Hubble constant: Haha!! So the universe is expanding and there is proof of this, and therefore running time backwards shows a contraction that must have started somewhere. Well firstly, we all know that time doesn’t run backwards (unless God says so), so this one is BUSTED. Secondly, refer to point 1 above. And thirdly, it’s a clever trick that God has used to test our faith. Avert your eyes from the sky lest they be poked out in fury!

Let me use your own science to prove that your theory is nonsense. Let’s try a thought experiment; if I drop a dozen eggs, a pack of flour, a cup of sugar and a stove off a tower, I don’t see a cake forming on the ground. Maybe the tower isn’t high enough in my mind’s eye, because I don’t want to receive a mental ‘salt-pillaring’ for building towers so high that they make God moody. Or maybe it’s because you are wrong, science devils! Simple things don’t become complicated things, so it’s impossible that we exist and therefore God made us. Easy!

In summary, and to end this argument for good:

1.    Fossils and proof of earths age: Tricks to test our faith

2.    Any evidence of the big bang / the age of the universe: Tricks to test our faith and lies generated by atheists

3.    DNA: God’s work (only because I can no longer refute that DNA exists)

4.    Evolution: Just nonsense because the bible tells us so. Oh – and tricks to test our faith

5.    Murder, robbery, genocide, disease, famine, drought, pain, hunger: These very things are proof of God. Evil exists because one of our ribs turned into a hot chick and ate an apple after a snake chooned her to! Then God had to punish. And yes, evil was put here to test our faith - by God.

6.    An absolute lack of any evidence of God: illogical argument, because we all know that the bible is evidence of the bible’s stories. And the fact that we feel love

7.    All other argument you may have: Illogical, and based on lies and evilness, and tricks to test our faith.

Anyway, I’m off to a nice cosy little book-burning. Amen brothers.

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