Sometimes you buy a product that performs so shoddily, you just want to flush it down the toilet and be rid of it. Only to find that it is quite impossible to do so.
I’m a firm believer that my mature backside deserves to be mollycoddled, cosseted, and pampered – that it should spend its remaining years on this planet in the lap of luxury.
I’ll tell you why:
In my younger days I often had to work my rear end (I nearly said arse) off. But talk about loyalty! My loyal buttocks stuck with me through thick and thin. Through hot and cold; through hard times and harder times; through short and long drops – my faithful anus remained with me, and never forsook me for one moment.
In those days I often thought that Gen 3:19 was especially written for me: “In the sweat of thy face shalt thou eat bread, till thou return unto the ground.”
I toiled from early morning till late at night, doing the: “in the sweat of thy face,” thing.
That was when I swore an oath to repay Old Faithful (in our private moments, I call him Old Faithful), that, should my ship come in one day, he shall be adequately and abundantly rewarded…
After years of living under the constant curse of Gen 3:19, my ship finally sailed in! With all flags flying and with billowing sails!
“Look, Old Faithful,” I cried through my tears, “Our ship has finally come!”
Old Faithful sighed softly and aromatically – making those around us, who were jealously watching my ship, take a few steps backwards, and gasp for air.
OK. That was just as background; now let’s get on with the real story:
Last week I went to buy toilet paper. Only, nowadays they call it Toilet Tissue. Why, I’ll never know. I don’t want to blow Old Faithful’s nose or wipe his tears. But be that as it may…
I settled on buying Baby Soft Toilet Tissue. Because:
“Every sheet of Baby Soft contains a gentle, caring touch of natural Aloe Vera. To compliment the Micro-Pocket Technology in Baby Soft, we add FibroSoft Technology so you can enjoy the silky softness that you have come to expect and trust.”
I could feel Old Faithful squirming in anticipation…
To cut a long drop short: Old Faithful seems to have no complaints about the performance this product – but I do.
The Micro-Pocket Technology in the Baby Soft makes it virtually flush proof. Try as you may, the Baby Soft refuses to swim down the drain – popping up as soon as the cistern is empty – repeated flushing has no effect on it. It is bloody unsinkable, I tell you!
If it wasn’t for the oath I swore to repay Old Faithful for his loyalty, I would never have bought this product in the first place.
Oh, I forgot! The Man They Could Not Hang?
His name was John Henry George Lee, also known John “Babbacombe” Lee. And they couldn’t hang him.
Just like they couldn’t drown Baby Soft Toilet Tissue…
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