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Charles Dumbwin
 
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The problem with Joburg

02 August 2012, 08:43

Fair enough, we don’t have the ocean with crashing waves, sun-kissed beaches and ‘whales’ splashing about topless before beaching in Clifton, disturbing the general peace.  But what Joburgers have, is what everyone else wants.

Waves?  Sure we got waves.  Just head on through Gilloolys, (don’t forget your passports), and take the N12 straight to the East-Ront-Mall.  It’s Boksburg by the sea, baby!  And if it’s H2O time, you’re in luck.  If you can find parking, you’re even luckier.

What about candles, soaps and steaks, you ask?  Well, William Nicole off ramp takes care of these necessities, as well as the latest Box-Office movie releases, Hugo Boss colognes and all things Chinese.  Yep, you heard right, the only off ramp in the world where you can buy original Dolce & Gabbana products, made in China.

We don’t, unfortunately, have South Easters that blow unsuspecting tourists stark naked, but our freezing, concrete-city winters, should make up for any unpleasant weather expectations.

Tourists...  Ah yes, bloody tourists.  For some reason, an abundance of Sharks and Western Province supporters seem to have migrated from their coastal slums, up to our wonderful city.  The fact that Gauteng supports the rest of South Africa financially is not lost on these immigrants who have made their own Groot Trek up north to earn a decent wage.

That part we can handle, it’s the establishing of their infectious supporters’ clubs that irritate the shizer out of us.

And speaking of Great Treks, those Amish-like pilgrims who decided to cut their Hollander apron strings and fend for themselves, made the arduous journey up to the Highveld and while doing so, populated these plains with an abundance of offspring. 

In those days however, the conservatives knew their wives twelve times during their marriage and produced a dozen children for their efforts.  These days however, you’d swear Joburgers engaged in such activities just for the fun of it.

We don’t need annoying whale sounds keeping us up at night; we have gunshots, house alarms and barking dogs, as well as the occasional ‘doof-doof’ beats from speeding cars filled with drunken teenagers racing through our suburbs at two in the morning.

On the rugby stadium front, there’s no defending the Lions’ franchise, who at best, manage a cool twenty-thousand stadium attendees per annum, but the Bulls’ turnouts will give the Province faithful a run for their money on any given day, I feel.

If Cape Town is Africa’s Paris (I was thinking San Francisco - but okay), then Joburg is Africa’s New York.  We have the money, the power, the influence, and we pretty much dictate corporate business affairs across Africa.

Let’s remember that the only reason why coastal cities remain open for business, is because of all the Vaalies who make the nostalgic pilgrimage back to their former colonies each year.  We see it as our gift to the nation. 

Our hard-earned cash pays for your ocean views.  While y’all are sipping pinacoladas on the beach, us hard-working Joburgers keep our economy ticking.

So what’s the problem with Joburg?  Not too much, if you can hack it.

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