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The rugby gods and doggerel

14 September 2012, 15:15


And so it came to pass in the heavens above and below in Hades: The lesser Gods demanded their port folios be extended to the arenas of sports in all its aspects and they shall govern, at higher pay and lesser work.These honourable  gods decided first, to change all the laws of their portfolios to give all sides  more advantage than the other sides.  

And so it was done:   The off-sides law were  scrapped.  An up-and-under may not be higher than 5 metres And should such an infringement occur both sides will have points deducted. Forward passes are legal but may not  be used more than 3 times by a team on the attack. The team on defence may use the forward pass at their own discretion but not more than 5 times.  A kick to the poles may only be undertaken   when the preceding try was touched down under the cross pole.  Should a penalty kick fail to cross the poles the 3 points will be awarded to the opposition.   

In the interests of saving money the rugby world cup will no longer be played in its current format but the winner will be that team which scores the most points over every 4 year period. In this period, spanning 4 years, every team shall play at least 19 other teams as defined by the Rugby Gods.No spectator whatsoever may wear a shirt or Jersey akin to that of any team playing on the field at that time. Spectators shall support both teams  on the field in order to rule out the possibility of  protracted inter-spectator warfare  All rugby referees and aspiring referees shall undergo a 5year mandatory and intensive training period in order to discard ancient rules of the game and accept and understand the newest and latest rules of the game. Firearms, hand grenades and other forms of  weaponry may not be brought to within 500metres of a rugby stadium. Vuvuzelas and other noisy and obnoxious articles may not be brought into the precincts of any rugby stadium.  Any such articles will be destroyed on site and the bearer/owner shall face a mandatory 2 months in a prison.     

During the 4year run-up to the Rugby World Cup awards no strong team shall play a weaker team thereby gaining extra milch-cow points. The playing roster will be worked out by the Rugby Gods. Teams failing to abide by this regulation shall lose all its points and relegated to the bottom position on the log.    

National anthems may not be sung on the rugby field prior to the kick-off of any game. An anthem approved by the Rugby Gods shall be sung at the commencement of every game other than school rugby games.    

Any referee who makes a mistake during the progress of the game shall pay a mandatory fine of not more than R20-00.    

Any referee who makes a mistake which gives the preferred team an advantage shall be sent to South Africa. The deity of rugby shall decide which is the preferred team.
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