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The Last Contrarian
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The threat North Korea poses

18 June 2013, 10:34

You may occasionally read about North Korea and its new leader Kim Jong-Un. Perhaps you wonder if you should fear North Korea’s unyielding threats involving nuclear attack. I do hope, however, that in the midst of this flurry of facts I’ll be presenting, you may find a reason not to care about the ongoing fracas coming from the North Korean leadership.

Our story starts with all the hope and promise of an African dictator calling for free and fair elections this time round. The Democratic People's Republic of Korea is a misnomer of note and an assault on the meaning of the word democracy.

The first thing you need to understand is that North Korea is run by a hereditary communist dictatorship that has turned most of the country into a concentration camp while syphoning off all economic surplice to fund a senseless nuclear ambition. In North Korea exists the sort of totalitarian rule which only supreme beings are capable of, and such were the last two leaders of North Korea.

North Korea’s decent into delusion started with Kim Il Sung, who is commonly referred to in North Korea as the great leader. He had somehow convinced the North Korean military and media to present him to the peasantry as a god in the flesh, and the North Korean people were systematically brainwashed into worshipping him as their supreme leader and saviour. The bible does not give one a clear description of heaven, and looking at North Korea, I think I know why.

Kim Il Sung, being the god that that he is, somehow managed to die a mortal death. But almost too conveniently, another god had entered the world of the living but a few decades earlier in the form of Kim Il Sung’s son Kim Jong Il. It is said that on the birth of Kim Jong Il, the stars darted about the heavens to signal the place of his birth, and all the bids in North Korea sang in Korean to announce the great news to the people.  As divinity demands, the supreme leadership had to go to another god, and so Kim Jong Il took over once Kim Il Sung was no more.

The poor brainwashed peasants who are now in advanced age will still tell you how wonderful it was to hear the birds bring the message, and how the stars danced in the heavens along with the people on the ground. The total collapse of the North Korean intellect (along with most of its economy and infrastructure) is a testament to the frailty of our species’s reasoning abilities. South Korea, which is the genetic twin of North Korea, until recently held the title as the country with the highest average IQ in the world before Singapore robbed them of it.

Kim Jong Il was called the dear leader so as not intrude on the authority of the great leader, and the dear leader tried very hard to develop nuclear bombs with which to threaten and even destroy South Korea, America, Europe, Japan, and pretty much every nation that does not pander to the North Korean dynasty. This is quite an ambitious fantasy, but gods often prove to be as delusional as their followers are. If Kim Jong Il is a god, why does he not just rain meteors down on his enemies instead? Oh wait, I’m not part of the indoctrination, so I need not pollute this cult with my reasoning abilities. Anyways, any true believer already has an answer: their god works in mysterious ways.

Sadly, god number two also, somehow, despite the odds, died of a heart attack brought on by one of his many aggressive tantrums over the slow progress of his regime’s nuclear armament. And so he passed the leadership on to his own son, Kim Jong Un, who luckily is not purported to be a god, even in North Korea they understand that religion and gods are things more and more people simply can’t believe in. Once a seal of authority, godliness has now become a seal of insanity.

I watched on television how the North Korean people shrieked in agony when they heard the news that Kim Jong Il had parted. They cried more than they did for their sons and daughters who were tortured and killed at the command the old bastard himself. What viewers weren’t privy to (and most simply do not know of) were the North Korean soldiers holding loaded guns to the heads of the mourners’ families to ensure that the performance was authentic.

A small donation of fish was delivered to a starving province and was said to have been the dying wish of the dear leader. For so much did he love his people that he could not bear their suffering. We will ignore the millions who have already starved, and the millions more who will starve if the North Korean leadership continues its charitable nature.

As a final show of the dear leader’s mercy, the military delivered (and I still laugh at how they phrase this) sweet warm drinks to the bereaved masses who just could not (or weren’t allowed to) pick themselves up from the biting winter cold in the public squares where they had congregated (been herded) to mourn.

I am generally repulsed by the sight of religious people worship the undetectable and the incomprehensible, but even when the god is a real you and I, it still does not look sane or enviable to be a worshipper.

The mere mortal Kim Jong-Un is but 28 years old and now charge of a nation with rudimentary nuclear weapons capabilities. International news has helped to generate the intimidating image of this chap, but his bark is just that … a bark, followed by not even a mock charge.

If you are worried about the increasingly hostile ramblings of North Korea’s childish supreme leader, then you obviously have some allergy to facts, or you simply believe everything the media tells you (being that gullible, you may wish to relocate to North Korea and join your kin).

However, the following should serve to enlighten you as to why you don’t even need waste your time wondering if you should be wondering about getting worried over North Korea’s supposed nuclear muscles and their threats to use them aggressively:

America in the 1940s (that is already 70 years ago, people) had already perfected the type of nuclear bomb that North Korea can only dream of producing 10-15 years from now, if they miraculously sustain their current pace of nuclear technology development.

Standing in the way of Kim Jong Un’s unrealistic ambitions is a lesser-known fact in the West that North Korea’s currency collapsed in a 2001 self-evaluation against international currencies. The auditor in charge of this currency valuation was executed by the North Korean leadership for revealing to the North Korean people that their investments had wasted away as the currency had been reduced to 1% of its former value. What caused this? The dear leader’s economic brilliance which ensured North Korea racked up sanction after sanction for its leader’s threat to scale the mountain of conflict if everyone in the free world does not fall down and worship him.

If you want to know whom the Zimbabweans laugh at when it comes to currency jokes, it is the North Koreans and their ‘Won,’ which should, perhaps appropriately, be renamed to ‘Lost.’

But this, so far, is not the ironic part. The following is the ironic part:

Even if Kim Jong Un spends another decade and all of his country’s worthless currency developing nuclear bombs—provided their economy does not prematurely collapse—North Korea will only succeed at producing one, yes, ONE nuclear bomb worth getting worried about! One bomb with which these dog-stew munching cowboys hope to dictate the new rules of international politics to countries that have dismantled more nuclear bombs than the North Korea’s leadership can realistically ever hope of producing!

It gets worse (for North Korea, that is). Even with a functioning nuclear warhead, North Korea still needs a missile of similar technological advancement to carry the warhead to a nation of significance that can be defeated by a single nuclear bomb—if the damn bomb can even hit its designated target. Countries that can be devastated by one nuclear bomb don’t add much to the world economy, so you don’t have to worry about another petrol price hike if North Korea ever launches a nuke at some unsuspecting village.

After North Korea’s recent rebellious launch of their prototype long range rocket (the only one they could afford to build), we can safely conclude that you would only be in mortal danger if you lived in Seoul, South Korea, which—for the geographically challenged—is practically next door to Pyongyang in long range missile terms. North Korea BARELY got their ‘weather’ satellite, which is about as complex as a regular microwave oven, into orbit. Last I read about it, the microwave they spent 10 years developing was detect by other countries’ satellites and described as tearing itself apart in an unstable orbit after it premature detached (meaning broke off) from the transporter rocket. The international community was using unmistakable language to describe the spectacle so North Korea could follow the conversation and understand that they actually messed up.

You don’t want to say something like, North Korea’s payload has settled into a sub-optimal orbit and we are monitoring the bogie for any signs of orbital decay. Hell, that is the sort of statement that gets misinterpreted in North Korean and then printed in the local newspaper headlines as “The pathetic Americans bow down in shame and admit defeat to our SUPREME LEADER and his terrible boomstick!”

With North Korean military technology malfunctioning at the rate we are now accustomed to, I wonder if their latest nuclear test was not an unintended reactor meltdown— their own little Chernobyl. And I use the adjective little deliberately, because North Korea has so little weapons-grade uranium at their disposal, that they might as well make some fireworks to impress their starving citizens with.

I think what caused the malfunction was a mistake made by one of their ailing scientists. This is what happens when your scientists suffer from malnutrition, Kim Jong Un! Stop starving your people, only then will you be strong enough in the force to stop us from laughing at your threats.

At least North Korea is honest about their nuclear ambitions, unlike Iran. North Korea is telling us, “look, you stupid white devils! We are going to make a run for that gun on the floor. Then when we have the gun, we are going to discharge it in your general direction. YOU UNDERSTAND US YOU WHITE DEVILS!!!”

Yeah ok, bang, bang, two through the kneecaps. We walk all John Wayne style up to the writhing mess on the floor and say … villains who openly announce their evil plans always die before they get to execute those plans. Haven’t you been watching any of our action movies to know even that? We practically gave you the secret to beating us: Just tell us you want the nukes for peaceful purposes, and then while we argue amongst ourselves if you are telling the truth, you can finish your nukes and attack us!

I must remind you all that watching an American movie in North Korea is considered insurrection and willfully availing yourself to western brainwashing, but these Asian dictator types always have one weird thing in common: an uncontrollable fetish for something worthless from the western world.

Whether it involves collecting and enshrining every single David Hasselhoff record in existence along with life-sized cardboard cutouts of the star, or decorating an entire room in their compound with Mickey Mouse memorabilia (such is the fetish of Kim Jong Un), these Asian dictators all have some sycophant obsession with pop-culture elements originating from the very nation they dedicate their lives to destroying, America.

But I don’t want to take anything away from Kim Jong Un; reaching an unstable orbit with your microwave is far better than having it come crashing down in your own backyard. I think North Korea anticipated such an outcome as they made damn sure the rocket would at least stay within North Korean airspace after they inevitably lost control of it just a few minutes into the test flight. Kim knows full well the consequences if he were caught littering on foreign soil—especially South Korean soil!

And after their embarrassing launch, the North Korean leadership tried to intimidate us with the only real threat it has: trolling insults aimed at the free world in a childish attempt to blame us for their failure! No doubt, several North Korean scientists parted with their heads (literally) after this latest in a series of ongoing embarrassments to the supreme leader and his soup-stand nation.

How do I know the scientists were killed? It’s just an educated guess. After all, this same regime tortured and killed its national football coach when he failed to lead the North Korean team to victory in the last Fifa World Cup. Talk about a real life mission impossible! It is a good thing the coach did not voluntarily take on the challenge; otherwise, I would legally be entitled to calling him suicidal or crazy.

Imagine the fear he must have felt when calculating the odds of his less than six-foot tall, malnourished team snatching victory from the likes of Germany, Brazil, or France in the finals. Imagine his horror when he calculated his team’s odds of even making it to the quarterfinal! I applaud his commitment to a lost cause, but I can’t help but wished he had made a break for the border instead.

That brings me to another thing you lot in the West need to know about North Korea. North Koreans are prohibited from travelling outside of North Korea, not even on holiday, lest they become refugees or defectors. Legislated patriotism can be a problem. So, you jingoistic, flag-waving nationalist better cut that nonsense out!

As I write this article, the North Korea leaders have again been offended and now refuse to answer the red-cross phone that is the sole diplomatic link between the two Koreas. What caused this latest insult? The choice of delegates South Korea chose to send to a dialogue that the cowardly North asked for (I’m sorry, demanded)  to negotiate the restart of the Kaesong complex, a cement factory that closed down after South Korea pulled out all its staff during Kim Jong Un’s threat to bring nuclear holocaust to Seoul.

The Kaesong complex is the only real source of hard currency in North Korea, no wonder the North Korean leadership is so desperate to call for talks to get it started up again. However, considering Kim’s last temper tantrum aimed at South Korea, this whole negotiation is like having told your boss to go screw himself, and then sitting in his office a week later expecting to be re-employed and given a raise.

So, there you go, some much needed info on North Korea and the real threat it poses to the international community. Why don’t you put your newfound knowledge to good use and join me in laughing at the best joke ever to originate from the East!

All in honour of the man of the hour:

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