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The truth about divorce

05 February 2013, 16:03

Dear Moms,

Are you tired of your marriage? Does it make you angry that your husband doesn't spend enough time with you? Have you "grown apart"? Then it's time for a divorce!

We all know the routine. You want out, right? Your friends and family have all said they would support you. They have given you the emotional courage you need to finally leave your hubby. But you've got a problem, don't you? You guys have had children together and that obnoxious bum husband of yours isn't going to give up his kids easily. If you share custody with him after divorce, you are going to have to keep interacting with your ex on a regular basis. What good is divorce if you can't get rid of the guy? Besides, equal custody means you won't get as much child support from him. Problems, problems. Well, don't worry! I have got some answers for you.

Hi, I'm Robert E. Britton, III, Esquire - Attorney at Law. I'd like to tell you a few simple strategies that will guarantee a grand and glorious victory in divorce court!

First, you need to strike hard and quick with a trumped up allegation of abuse. You pick whichever one suits you the most. Don't worry. Nobody is going to actually investigate your claim of abuse, so you have nothing to fear. I recommend the "My husband has made verbal threats to hurt me" allegation. It's your word against his! And who wouldn't believe a poor, scared mom? Surely a woman would never accuse her husband of such a thing unless it was true! Current domestic violence laws guarantee that your hubby will be removed from your home and compelled to stay away from you. (Many thanks to Joe Biden and the good folks behind VAWA legislation.)

But if you want to bring out the big guns, I recommend what those of us inside the divorce industry have come to term the "nuclear option". Just call up Child Protective Services and tell them that your husband has molested one of his own children. I can't wait for you to see the look on his face! It is best for you to choose a child who is either 1) impressionable enough to repeat a story that you have taught him, or 2) is young enough that she can't be expected to articulate what "really" happened in her own words. A good time to make the child molestation allegation is after daddy has helped bathe your child. "Daddy washed me ALL over" is sure to raise questions.

I give you my personal, money-back guarantee that either of these allegations will result in your husband being expelled from your home, a restraining order will be issued to keep him away long enough for you to establish a new status-quo custody living arrangement, and he will never recover from the social stereotype of wife-beater / child-molester. With your husband safely on the ropes, you are now free to begin planning how you are going to spend that alimony and child support! You can thank me later.

But wait, there's more!

Speaking of child support, I recommend that you go for the jugular. Comedian Robin Williams once said that the word "divorce" comes from Latin word for "removing a man's testicles through his wallet". And he's right. Child support can be calculated not just on what your husband currently makes, but on what the court believes he has the potential to make! Let's think about it. Has your husband ever had a job making more money than he presently does? Has he ever gotten bonuses in the past? Don't you think that he should be working a second or third job for the "best interests" of your kids? The court LOVES to impute a non-custodial dad's income.

In fact, it wouldn't be a surprise to me if his support order is so high that there will be no way he'll be able to keep up with the payments. If you've ever wanted to see your husband reduced to penury, your wish is about to come true! It doesn't matter if there is no logical way he can afford the payments. Heck, it doesn't even matter if he falls on hard times, has his pay reduced by his employer or gets downsized due to the economy. If he misses a single payment to you for any reason then he is going to be lumped in with the rest of America's "deadbeat dads". This is where the real fun begins.

You have no idea how many parties have financial interests in your louse of a husband paying his child support. First, there is the federal government seeking to recoup money from "deadbeat dads" to subsidize its welfare programs. Next is your state government that gets millions and millions of federal tax dollars to use as it wishes if it can show that it has "collected" child support and enforced support orders under Title IV-D. Then there are all of the private child support collection companies looking to make big bucks. And we can't leave out those of us in the divorce-for-profit industry, namely divorce lawyers, family law judges, custody evaluators, child support enforcement agents, mediators, etc. Divorce and child custody is a billion dollar industry. I guarantee you that you will find all the help you need to go after your ex if he doesn't cough up every penny he owes us.  I mean, owes you.  I mean, owes the kids.  Whatever.

The full force of the Child Support Collection bureaucracy will compel him to pay.  Not only will he be branded with the Orwellian "newspeak" label of "deadbeat dad" and be marginalized in society, but the industry will also:

1) Garnish his wages

2) Order him to work overtime and take additional jobs

3) Take away his driver's license

4) Put him in jail

5) Confiscate his professional licenses

6) Put his face on "deadbeat dad" Wanted posters and pizza boxes

7) Put him in jail again

8) And much, much more!

And before you start feeling guilty, let me just say this. The guy deserves it. He wasn't good enough to you. He didn't make you feel good enough about yourself. He didn't help out around the house the way you wanted him to. He spent too much time at work and in front of the television. These behaviors might not be criminal acts, but they should be. In fact, in divorce court they ARE criminal acts. But don't worry about bothersome notions such as "due process" and "constitutional rights" for your husband. The fact that he is a man is proof enough of his guilt. It is proof enough to justify kicking him out of his home, prohibiting him from having any say in your choice to divorce him, in taking a large percentage of his income "for the children", and most importantly - it is proof enough to justify removing him from his children's lives. They have YOU after all.  Why should you have to share custody with your ex?  It just doesn't make sense to those of us in the divorce and custody industry.

So...

If you want to divorce your husband, take his money and eliminate him from your children's lives, then I'd like to be your attorney. Trust me. I care about YOU. And naturally, what I do is all for the children.

Please contact my office to schedule an initial consultation. Before your visit, please decide which allegation of abuse you will prefer to use and make a list of your husband's defects of character. Children are not permitted in our offices, so please leave them at home with your soon-to-be-ex.  Perhaps you could suggest that he give the kids a bath before putting them to bed.

Looking forward to your business,

Robert E. Britton, III, Esquire

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