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Today's Ultimate Recipe: World's Best Fruitcake

11 January 2013, 15:29

Warning: May not suit the tastes of all readers. Contains nuts, avoid if allergic.

Today’s ultimate recipe: World’s Best Fruitcake

I will be going over each ingredient individually since only the best of each may be added for an optimal blend. We will be doing this in steps as there's a lot of information to cover.

Step 1: Nuts


With the vast array of choices out there you may choose anything that suits your preference. Let us go over two of the most popular choices:


  • Religious nuts – These come in many varieties (choose to taste):

    • Christian nuts – A very popular choice in this region since they can be found almost everywhere. They grow in tight bunches and often attempt to change various other nuts into Christian nuts. It is believed that these nuts attempted to eradicate many other nuts many years ago, and almost succeeded, but due to the aging and better understanding of all other nuts into the modern age, Christian nuts have had to alter their methods of indoctrination. However it is still a vastly popular choice, even though some question why.

    • Muslim nuts – Choose cautiously, this mixture might blow up in your face. Never mix with other nuts.

    • Buddhist nuts – These are a rare find. A possible side effect of using these in your mixture could cause you to become very calm, quiet and introspected. These are often used in weigh-less recipes as they can be enlightening.

    • Hindu nuts – A popular choice in northern Africa due to their abundance. These are very similar to Christian nuts but they are quite hard to come by in this region and, as with Muslim nuts, don’t mix well with other nuts.

    • Jewish nuts – Another rare find in this region, these nuts are often avoided as they may make your mix too rich. Do not mix with Muslim nuts.

    • Scientologist and Mormon nuts – You are nuts if you choose these.

    • Atheist nuts – Now many will say that Atheist nuts are still nuts while the atheist nuts themselves say they aren’t nuts at all. Well, you categorise them how you will but they are a very viable option. In fact they seem to be the up and coming choice in most recipes and will most likely dominate the taste buds in future.

    • Agnostic nuts – Just choose one ffs.

    • Jehovah’s Witness nuts – “No, I don’t want your nuts.”

There are many other choices of religious nuts and with more research you will find that (as with wines) you can break the above choices down into further categories depending on location, upbringing, taste and education. The choice is always yours, choose as you will.


Our next set of nuts has set the world ablaze in many ways. These nuts, like religious nuts, can be a contentious choice in many recipes and there are certain nuts that just can’t be mixed. The reasons for this should be self-explanatory:

  • Socio-Economic/Political nuts – Again there are many varieties and again, choose to taste:

    • Democratic nuts – The majority of these are always the popular choice leaving the minority fighting to become the majority. They are believed to be the better choice as they are supposedly the embodiment of the freedom of choice. In this region that makes it hard to choose any of the rest. However, we will still go over the rest since what is freedom of choice if you don’t know the other choices?

    • Communist nuts – These all taste the same. Well, except for the ones in charge of these nuts. But that’s a long story. Let’s just say that history has never shown these nuts to work to their potential.

    • Monarchist nuts – Don’t use these; You will only have one nut.

    • Socialist nuts – Use with caution: They may try take over the whole cake.

    • Capitalist Nuts – The majority of these nuts are generally considered to be of poor to average quality while a small minority are rich in taste. These appear to be used most frequently in this region in conjunction with a small amount of Socialist nuts to produce a more even spread of taste and texture. Other regions tend to use free-market Capitalist nuts which can generally overpower the entire mix.

    • Anarchist nuts – These nuts will have nothing to do with your mix.

    • Kleptocratic nuts – These take the cake.

    • Bureaucratic nuts – Your cake will never set.

    • Libertarian nuts – Considered free range. Almost always aren’t.

    • Autocratic nuts – See Monarchist nuts.

    • Tyrannical nuts – See Autocratic nuts. However, that’s probably because all the other nuts are dead.

As you can see there are a number of popular choices in all the variations of nuts. If you have managed to read through and understand all the intricacies of nuts for your fruitcake then stay tuned for the next step into the ultimate recipe for the World’s Best Fruitcake: Fruits.


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