Stand aside Oscar Pistorius! Move over Russian meteorite fragment! Forget about the fiscal cliff Obama... for a previously unknown, African origin culture was discovered in Germany!
After decades of speculation of the tribe’s existence, inhabitants of the former East-German city of Dresden, finally received the confirmation they were looking for when a German amateur sports club stumbled upon the tribe, only known as... the Eurocaner.
An international task team of Archaeologists, Anthropologists, Linguists... and a number of others who bought their degrees online... investigated the discovery of a previously unknown black culture, in none other than the quaint German countryside.
The first on the scene was a young Turk of a journo’ and fourth generation Dresden local; Joachim Weiss. The latest recruit to the German weekly... Der Spiegel.
Weiss apparently responded to reports from local Curling enthusiasts, telling of sightings of “Kremlin style” buildings, sunk halfway into the snow, and guarded by “...Bushmen in khaki's...” in remote parts of forest surrounding greater Dresden.
Incidentally, contact with the new culture was first established by a group known as the Curling in Nature Club; people who seek out remote, frozen ponds, where their passion for playing the broom sweeping game is animated by nothing but their stark raving, frost bitten... nudity.
It was during one of their practice sessions one Saturday morning, that members were approached by a large group of “...peculiarly dressed, African gentlemen...” who apparently appeared out of nowhere, and without muttering a word, sent the Nature Club packing... tail between the legs, so to say...
At first the scientific expedition was sceptical about the possibility of the existence of native black Germans who managed to evolve an entirely new culture without anyone noticing... but their scepticism was abruptly curbed when the two groups nonchalantly bumped into one another, next to the pond...exactly where the nudists said they would be.
At first glance the newly discovered tribe seemed to create smoke signals to honour their forefathers, according to one Anthropologists observation, in anyway.
However, it was none other than Weiss who noticed that the smoke came from large metal objects representing some form of outdoor cooking apparel. It was quickly concluded that the Eurocaner seems to have a strange fondness towards outdoor cooking, notwithstanding extreme weather conditions.
It also appeared that the tribe was dancing to a form of folk music, lead by a man with a concertina, a large hat and an even longer and immaculately kept beard.
The rest of the tribe seemed very hospitable though, and the scientists soon found themselves with a very tasty “...type of stuffed sausage...” in one hand and a Schnapps-like drink in the other... which another scientist exclaimed tasted like lightning, only white!
After a couple of hours of observation, and excited note making, the linguists managed to establish a very basic form of communication with the tribe’s leader; a man now known as Beach Van Riebeeck.
The dialect was soon defined as a mix of Koi-San, French, German, Dutch, Zulu and Southern State American English.
Despite being only five feet tall, Van Riebeeck... or Jan... as his friends refer to him, was an imposing man.
He explained that the tribe had always been very secretive about their existence, due to policies they had to develop, referred to as separate development, or loosely termed by other tribe members as “...good neighbourliness...”.
Cultural differences apparently forced them to enforce this way of life, due to their heritage and unwillingness to trust a lilly-white and war torn Europe; especially the British.
After hours of interviews with various members of the Eurocaner, it was soon concluded that the tribe consisted of various nations from British colonies in Africa, most notably Southern Africa.
It appeared that they crossed the Mediterranean from North Africa, some hundred and fifty years ago in oxen wagon, fitted on drift wood, and after reaching European landmass, continued moving north, until they reached their current location... the country they call New Namaqua... as it was the colder version of their original home.
They also explained that the migration forms a rich and integral part of their history, and everyone refers to it as The Great Splash... the event that defined them as an independent nation, free to develop their own culture.
As every Eurocaner had long blond hair with rolling locks over their shoulders, the scientists concluded that there had to be some European biological influence; however Jan enlightened them as to the reason for this...
It appears that their first contact with German locals was during the 1930’s, with a group of “red armed men”, quickly concluded by the scientists to be Nazi’s.
Apparently their presence in Germany would have created a political problem for Hitler, and they were subsequently supplied with blonde wigs.
This meant that Hitler could credit them as full blooded Germans, in the event they were discovered by other people. All their concerns regarding the trustworthiness of the Nazi’s were also laid to rest when both sides realised they both hated the British as much as the other...
According to Jan, everyone had brown wigs with rolling locks before the Nazi encounter, so they didn’t have much of a problem wearing the blond hairpieces to fit in.
When asked about the wigs and perfectly trimmed beards the men sported, Jan replied that it was the style their forefathers developed to fit in with Europeans when they embarked on The Great Splash.
They in turn, saw it being worn by the first white men they saw arriving in their native land... centuries before they had to flee the British; the same applied to their names, as it hailed from the people his forefathers met on the beach, “...in front of Bed-Mountain...”
Apparently the early Eurocaners included Indian people who fled from the sugarcane fields in South Africa, but Jan explained that they left for a city called London, as it was way too cold for them next to the frozen pond.
Unfortunately they were never heard of again, and it was obvious that all the Eurocaners were concerned... wondering if they made it to London without being caught by the British.
One of the English scientists casually looked up from his notes, whilst calmly responding, “...don’t worry, they did...”
The entire group bowed their heads in a thankful silence... a quiet seemingly lasting for several minutes before Jan looked up with a furious glare... before almost screaming...
”I know what you are thinking!” Furiously waving his index finger at the scientists...
“The existence of a legitimate black culture in Europe is as preposterous as a white culture spawning from Africa! We don’t care, we are here now, bringing civilisation to this savage place, while the locals are naked barbarians with brooms!” Apparently referring to the Curling in Nature Club they encountered.
Suddenly, a furious argument ensued with some of the Dresden locals and the Eurocaners. At first starting as a war of words... then quickly escalating to a full blown fist fight next to the frozen pond...
The scientific expedition could only watch the chaos from a distance for a while, before Jan’s two sons, Rijger and Drommedaris went flying into the group with fists in the air and white lightning bottles swinging, bringing the fight to them!
It wasn’t until Jan held up a device called The Red Button, when it transpired that the Eurocaners managed to develop nuclear weapons; a feat they achieved in seclusion of the rest of the world and with the help of some Nazi scientists.
Apparently the Nazi scientists told them that they would be taken seriously as a nation if they had such weapons... and that they would help them with development, in exchange for asylum after the Second World War...
The brawling crowd suddenly froze as still as the pond next to them... followed by a dead slow retreat of everyone who wasn't a Eurocaner, until no-one but the newly discovered nation was left standing in silence.
The scientific expedition evaporated as quickly as it was assembled, and the only sounds left were the odd creaks from the ice on the pond...
Politics took charge of the situation and the events during the following months lead to the same place everyone with Nuclear weapons ends up... a seat in the UN and a place in the Security Council...
New Namaqua was granted status as a sovereign country by Germany, due to fears of post WW2 treaty violations... and the Eurocaners created a new word to define their new place in the sun... a place where they could develop their young culture, create a new drink called Wodka (because that’s how it should be spelled) and where everyone from Britain has to wear a pass-book to cross into...
A place they call... Nasiestaat.
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