I previously stated that I do not believe in UFOs, vampires, werewolves, etc., but made the time to write a little candyfloss article about aliens. Let’s tackle vampires today.
A few years back I was in a conversation with a student, who worked as a waiter on weekends. This poor deluded scatterbrain was of the firm belief that there is an active, honest to goodness vampire coven in Bloemfontein, with actual vampires, not sad Emo/Goths obsessing about death and suicide.
This vapid student (and to think this sad creature and all others like him will be the leaders of tomorrow) proclaimed with great confidence that he personally know a couple of vampires of the said Bloemfontein coven. Feigning interest I smiled at him and asked if he could maybe introduce me to them, since I wish to be turned into a vampire myself, as I don’t really like the sun, hate garlic and to be truthful, since vampires are supposed to be smoking hot and uber sexy, I’d like to join up.
Meeting men would be a snap, since I then really don’t have to feign interest in their chosen rugby team or pass out in fear if one of the potential lovers wishes to drag me off to a rugby game, expecting me to wear orange. Just for the record, I love rugby, I just don’t love the Free State Cheetahs or the Bulls for that matter.
This poor lost little student, well, how to put it in English… I’ll rather use Afrikaans, since one is able to insult somebody in Afrikaans in a way that doesn’t seem the same in any other language, “hy het sy gat gewip” at the very thought of me disrespecting the vampire coven. He “wipped” his “gat” so high, that if we weren’t indoors the moon would have had to new craters, aerial photos of the house do have a nice imprint of his posterior though…
Very loftily he told me I must not be so flippant about vampires, I just may meet one in a dark alley, then I would see that they are not to be taken lightly and must be treated with respect.
Oh, please… If he told me this coven was in Johannesburg, I might be worried, but in Bloemfontein? And since I am an educated adult female, residing in South Africa, please tell me, what would I be doing in a dark alley anyway? Vampires lurking in alleys are the least of our worries when walking down a dark alley. What is a Bloemfontein vampire actually going to do to scare me, besides threating me with an orange shirt and dragging me off to see the Cheetahs play?
How will a Bloemfontein vampire open the conversation? Maybe something like this (with a very heavy Afrikaans accent, one which I don’t have, although my first language is Afrikaans, I “wip my gat” when somebody talks in this very heavy District 9 Afrikaans accent, because I don’t sound like that, but apparently English is the language of the anti-christ, so what do I know?): “Listen Poppie, does you want me to drink jou bloed?” And will he at least be able to use his fangs, or will he produce his trusty biltong knife?
Maybe I shouldn’t be so flippant about Bloemfontein vampires, but then again, why worry, that’s why I made sure no personal details of myself is on my FB profile, so they’ll have a jolly old time trying to track me down. And if they do, I don’t like the sun much anyway, I’ve never been a fan of garlic (the gift that keeps on giving), I’ll just have to learn to avoid crosses and wooden stakes.
Come to think of it, what will repel a vampire that used to be a jew/muslim/atheist/buddhist, since crosses would most likely not work? Except maybe if you have one of those really heavy wooden crosses that you can use to whack them over the head with?
Have a nice day, don’t worry be happy or else I’ll sic the Bloemfontein vampires on you.
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