“It’s still only a theory!’, cry the anti-evolutionists. “And these atheist scientists – what have their "theories" ever done for us?”
Well, they gave us antibiotics and vaccination. “Ok, so they eliminated polio and smallpox, and decreased mortality rates from just about anything from small cuts to amputations. Big deal! Also, Hitler used them”.
They did come up with anaesthesia. “So? When you have abdominal surgery you can just bite on a leather belt! When you have teeth pulled, you can think of Jesus and his suffering. Also, Stalin used it.”
What about cellphones? “Work of the devil!! They use mystical waves created in an evil laboratory somewhere. At Grampa’s farm we used tin cans and a length of string and that worked fine. And anyway, suicide bombers use them.”
Optometry and eye correction? “You don’t need glasses to understand God’s Word, you need the scales of unbelief removed from your eyes – now that’s a miracle.”
Cars, aeroplanes, trains? “God created us in His image – if two legs are good enough for him, they’ll work for us”. (Except when Benny No-Stumps throws you out of a healing crusade for having no legs?). “Also, they’re evil because terrorists use them.”
Ok, how about Quantum Theory? “Only a theory – and unproven. And anyway, you can’t see these subatomic particles, so how do you even know they exist?” . Remember that next time you switch on a light powered by Koeberg nuclear power station.
Well, then how about electricity in general? “Well, they say that’s what lightning is – but it’s obviously only God’s anger – any fool can see that.”
Satellites? “Shooting stars”. No matter that they’re up there because of a detailed understanding of gravity?
HDTV? “A blessing from God so we can receive healing through the screen”.
Synthetics, polymers, monomers, resins, nylon, Teflon, clingwrap, polyester, rayon, fibreglass, carbon fibre composites? “Some of these were developed by the Nazis!”
Lubricants, solvents, coagulants, anti-coagulants, coolants, adhesives, surfactants, detergents, abrasives, fillers? “Nazis, Hitler, Stalin, atheists! Atheists all!”
Dentistry, ophthalmology, cardiology, psychology, psychiatry, orthopaedics, neurology? “God heals those who believe”.
Then there’s relativity – you know, Einstein? “Atheistic unproven theory”. Even though the GPS satellite system uses his equations to correct for their high speed? “Scientist conspiracy!”
Water desalination? “There would be water for all if Man hadn’t sinned”.
Plant breading and evolution through planned selection to develop more resistant food strains? “Fall of man – it’s all the Fall of Man. Those droughts are brought on by the starving people themselves – notice how they happen in God-hating countries?”
Telecommunications? “”We only need to converse with God, and we don’t need telephones for that, silly! We have direct lines.”
Computers? “Well alright, but they only prove that complex systems have designers”.
Quartz watches? “Don’t need ‘em – God knows the time and day of everything”.
Heaters? “We have the warmth of God’s love. And anyway, any hardship is nothing compared to the sublime pleasantness of heaven”.
Space rockets? “Von Braun was a Nazi. You see? Atheism is a religion!”
Hearing aids? Laser eye surgery? Those voice synthesizers like Hawking uses? “Jesus made the deaf hear, the blind see and the mute speak. Not Hawking, though – he’s an evil atheist scientist, though he did say that the universe could only be a god’s doing, so maybe he’s ok”.
Radiology, ultrasound, X-rays, MRI? “God knows what needs healing in each and every person in their time of need.”
Aspirin, paracetamol, ibuprofen? “I see where you’re going with this, unbelieving heathen… and you know it’s true: SUFFERING IS GOD’S GIFT. And when you finally accept that, whether you believe it or not, whether you like it or not (I could care less), YOU WILL bow your knee. I'm looking so forward to that day. Then we'll see how fashionable and chic you still think it is to mock God. You'll be a trembling little flea in His presence, remember these words my friend. I’ll be there to watch”. (Verbatim credit to Dumbwin for the last set of †rue Christian words and sentiment).