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When will lightning strike South Africa's president?

19 February 2013, 09:00

 I remember the refrain from when I was a kid that if you say or do something naughty or un-Christian, be careful or you will get hit by lightning.

The tragic event a few days ago at a Johannesburg school and numerous other similar events where lightning mows down swathes of harmless people has rather made me question my fear of being struck by lightning for misbehaviour. In fact it seems to me that misbehaviour is singularly irrelevant in your chances of being hit by lighting.

Lightening does not seem to obey Darwism and wean out the weak wildebeest from the herd – it quite happily strikes any wildebeest with scant concern for its positive future influence in society. That got me to thinking the uncharitable thought about who should rather have been struck by lightning than school kids or rural villagers… and it did not take long for a few firm candidates to spring to mind.

In an aside, I’m firmly of the view that one of the greatest contributors to the thin genetic pool giving rise to South Africa’s vast numbers of criminals and ANC voters, is the proliferation of health and safety practices. Health and Safety warnings have made the world a worse place.

They have allowed the weakest and most stupid in society to survive and in some cases, even prosper from stupidity. Take the renowned examples that abound in the United States of hillbilly idiots that spill hot coffee in their laps from take-away stores who are essentially rewarded for their cognitive limitations with huge financial awards from the courts. Health and Safety warnings have allowed people that the natural order would remove from society through the beauty of Darwinist principles, to survive and thrive.

If we are completely honest, somebody that needs a warning on their plastic coffee cup that the contents may be hot thoroughly deserves to have an extra-large cupful of scalding liquid tossed onto their crotch. I cannot help but feel that if the courts imposed this as a sentence rather than awarding vast sums of money to the retards that hope to get rich quickly through their own stupidity, society would progress rapidly.

Back to the weather, in a recent event, when as I recall a number of poor rural villagers were flattened by lighting, one of South Africa’s ministers arrived after the unfortunate event and spent a considerable amount of time in front of villagers and television cameras rearranging her facial features to explain the inexplicable contradiction that weather patterns seem to choose their victims with ill-mannered randomness, while gravely accepting that the villagers might be at least partly to blame because they had doubtless upset their ancestors.

The beauty of local news is the array of concerned frowns darkening the thieving faces of ANC ministers and I seem to recall our Minister of Lightning indicating to rural residents that if they could just vote for the ANC one more time, this whole unpleasant lightning business would be resolved and that residents were unlikely to be struck in the brand new homes they would be living in and which would almost certainly be delivered shortly after the elections, despite the 16 year delay to date.

Now I am not suggesting that ANC cabinet ministers are liars or as familiar with fraud as Blue Bulls supporters are with beer, but consider that a cabinet minister appears to feel that the ANC has some sort of grip on the weather. This seems highly implausible, given that for 25 years I have eagerly watched the weather feature after the news and can attest to a series of sincere-looking chaps, including the fellow who now sells pool products in infomercials and that imminently plausible American dude, getting the weather wrong with discouraging frequency.

Frankly, if the ANC has some sort of ability to predict or control the weather, a lucrative future awaits that party in television broadcasting a weather channel. In any event, that political party seems perfectly suited to the job of weatherman because you can be spectacularly wrong on a consistent basis yet still keep your useless job.

They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice, but for the love of all that is holy, I would be truly thankful if it would sizzle that glorious double-dome of the chief of these concerned meteorologists just once!

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