Clifton Shores is a new reality TV show where four, young American beauties try to ‘survive’ in Cape Town. Clifton Beach? Are they serious? Why don’t we just check them into Mount Nelson Hotel while we’re at it?
Bergie, Brett and Charles Dumbwin introduce three alternate locations that would far better test the girls’ abilities in surviving SA’s rugged landscape.
I recommend Bonteheuwel over Clifton (Bonté, from the French word ‘gentle’; Heuwel from the Dutch, meaning ‘hill’), though the residents swear it means hovel.
This suburb would stretch our contestants to breaking point save for the advantageous proximity of the nearby train station with its acceptably-low murder rate. On arrival they will find a friendly but simple folk, inclined to sporadic acts of violence over playground turf wars between the Junky Funky Kids and the Hard Livings gangs. Accommodations are reasonably comfortable with their shared mattresses and generously ventilated walls.
Trout pouts and botox may be the rage in LA, but wait until Destiny introduces the famous Cape Passion Gap to American viewers. (Dental anaesthetic is generally frowned upon for this procedure.)
And no need for the girls to parade about on over-rated Clifton when they can catch a lift with 17 others in the back of Uncle Salie’s Datsun to Strandfontein beach (Cape Town’s secret spot, right next to the busy coastal road - watch out for trucks, girls).
Alternatively they can catch the train to Kalk Bay Harbour, where the small beach below the railway arches is home to most of the Cape Flats over December. This little gem is the only beach in Cape Town exempt from the pesky ban on alcohol, fires, camping, street-fighting and the run-of-the-mill acts of public indecency. The sultry sunsets off Clifton are however no match for Kalk Bay after the sun goes down, and if any of our four contestants survive till morning, please let us in on your secret.
I don’t agree with the stupid producer of this show at all. Why would he fly in Americans to produce a show here in Cape Town?
Cape Town is overrated anyway and way too expensive. Let’s save on exorbitant production costs and move it to Polokwane. It is an African production so why not flaunt our wild animals a bit?
I would visit Julius, Lamola and Floyd and get their girlfriends on the show. Julius’ girlfriend, Platina, can be our main attraction. She has a lovely big booty. Lamola’s girlfriend, Goldie, can simply repeat what Platina has to say and so can Floyd’s girlfriend, Coala.
These girls know what a shaft looks like and how to get one erected; I mean all they talk about with their boyfriends is mining!
This way we incorporate everything South Africa is all about; wild Animals, our comedy politics, mining and the erection of a shaft for gold digging purposes.
I would rename the show, The Gold Diggers.
Neither the Western Cape nor Limpopo could ever offer the sort of picturesque backdrop that a show of this calibre demands. In Gauteng, with so many prime locations to choose from, I recommend living it up in either Kempton Park or Danville. Either neighbourhood offers made-for-TV scenery, albeit slightly overshadowed by the background wails of siren, gunshot and running street battles between incestuous offspring flinging freshly-cooked pap at each other – it’s a Danville thing.
Our Hollywood-star-wannabes should find their stay up in Gauteng terrifyingly stimulating, where they’re bound to be subjected to drooling fans of their hit show and a host of Nigerian ‘businessmen’ peddling their wares.
Fair enough, finding anything sprightlier than 2-star accommodation in Kempton or Danville might be as hard as trying to find an eighteen-year-old virgin in either town, but our bevy of beauties can be rest assured of top-notch security at all times; which does however present a challenge should a fire break out at their B&B - what with all the barbed wire and palisade fencing they’ve have to hurdle during the fleeing stampede.
Not to be outdone, the plethora of drive-thru options in these hoods makes for fine dining followed by a variety of partying options at any one of the local shindigs or house parties going, where a six-pack or half jack of brandy gets you in.
Clifton Shores seems a bit short-sighted when considering the other exciting locations on offer, but that’s just us. What do you guys think?
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