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Why You Should Elect Me As The Next Pope

14 February 2013, 09:04

Friends, Roman Catholics, Countrymen, lend me your ears !

If elected as Pope, I shall immediately issue the following decrees:

1) AIDS and Poverty are worse than condoms! The effect of 1.1 billion people around the world suddenly practicing proper family planning will be so great that the Catholic Church shall surely win a Nobel Prize.

2) Of the approximate $170 000 000 000 annual spending of the Catholic Church, I shall spend $100 000 000 000 to feed starving children. If every child receives $1000, that means I shall be able to help 170 000 000 children. Now of course my calculations are completely naive, but I shall do it anyway. The worldwide impact of this act of naivity shall be so great that the Catholic Church shall surely win another Nobel prize.

3) A wafer from a Mass ceremony shall be sent for scientific testing to proove that it has infact turned into the body of Christ. We have been telling this to everyone for ages, but no-one believes us ! The lab results shall provide proof of a genuine miracle, which will likely win us another Nobel prize.

4) The pointy hats have to go. I understand that many priests like them, and we shall compensate for this by hosting 'Pirate Pantomime' themed services on Sundays. The benefit of this is that our image will be more appealing to children, allowing us to get at them early and thus increase our numbers, while still allowing our priests to dress up in fancy costumes.

So, dear friends, you have a choice. Elect me as your next Pope, and together we will win three Nobel prizes and eradicate poverty and AIDs across much of the world. Or you could just elect someone else who looks good in a pointy hat.

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