So I see Jenifer Love-Hewitt has a new show out called “The Client List”. It’s all about massage therapy and happy endings rolled into one fun package that you don’t want your wife to find out about. Classic stuff. Yet what got me thinking was the YouTube video they use to promote the thing. Called “I’m a W.O.M.A.N”, it features the delectable Ms. Love strutting her stuff in a decreasingly complete wardrobe whilst espousing the pros of lacking a Y-chromosome.
However, from what I have been able to discern, being a woman actually sucks the big one. Forget for a moment he societal pressures that one faces when being female, like for instance the apparent need for assistance in spelling the word “woman”, and let’s just look at the physical aspects of the thing. Just being female looks like it’s a shit deal.
Because of the menstrual cycle, mainly. No man has the slightest inclination of how that shit works, not even gynaecologists. Sure, we can comprehend the mechanics of it all, but no man has any idea what it is like to bleed for four days each month and yet not dying. A paper cut is death to us. Or how about tampons, how does any of that make sense to you? With wings or without? Rounded tip for easy insertion or applicator? Medium, light or heavy flow? Scented or stale? The list goes on. Now, for a person who owns exactly two pairs of pants, all these options seem massively daunting. How do you even decide? The most choices your average man is faced with are whether to go Phillips head or flat, and really, the screw decides that. And then there’s the cramps. I had a stomach cramp once that had me honestly believing I was about to die. It lasted for about four hours and prompted numerous anxious trips to the bog, followed by much contemplation of the marble sized pellets floating forlornly in the bowl, and then further contemplation of the ephemeral nature of life and how sad it was that it all had to end like this. Yet after, when relating this horrifying experience to my wife, she casually remarked like it sounded as if I was having menstrual cramps.
Me: “You mean to tell me that you go through this agonizing ordeal every single month, for days at a time? How do you manage not to kill yourself?”, I’d asked.
Wife: “Oh, well that’s nothing compared to childbirth”.
Cancer is defined by Wikipedia, inter alia, as “unregulated cell growth where cells divide and grow uncontrollably and invade nearby parts of the body”. That’s pretty much pregnancy right there, innit? So for each child a woman has, she gets to carry around inside her own body a malignant tumor that devours all her resources for its own gain, just for it to finally quit that happy hotel by inflicting upon its cordial host the most painful experience in human awareness, before latching onto one of the most sensitive parts of your body and literally sucking the life out of you for anything from six months to three years. Sounds like fun.
As if this is not enough, women also have to face the daunting prospect of having to strap parts of their bodies into a contraption that closely resembles that thing you strap your dog into when going walkies to prevent it from getting away from you and under the wheels of a 10-ton truck. Daily. To me, bras look uncomfortable, no matter how soft and frilly they appear from the front. It’s those straps at the back that get to me. Never yet have I seen a bra strap that does not somewhat dig into the flesh of the woman trapped within it, and given the fact that the little label inside my shirt that tells you the size of the thing can totally ruin my day if it chafes at my neck even a little bit, I just don’t get how you people can stand the inevitable scratchiness without even killing anything.
There’s waxing and make-up and hair irons and high-heel shoes and thousand-rand haircuts the inability to ever sit comfortably. And a thousand other things I never have to deal with because I happen to have a schlong. So thanks, women. Even though we may not show it, we do appreciate how difficult it must be to be you.
Just don’t expect us to actually change the lightbulb, okay? We have enough issues as it is.
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