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Charles Dumbwin
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X Files – Delusional atheist Conspiracies

03 August 2012, 10:42

Agents Mulder and Scully had just finished an intensive forensic analysis session and were sharing a well-deserved cigarette, when suddenly came a knock at the door.

Standing there, in the pouring rain, were two unsavoury looking characters that Agent Scully despised at once. 

‘Yes?’ said Mulder.  ‘Can we help you?’

‘We really, really hope so,’ said the fat one.

‘Where are your umbrellas?’ asked Scully.

‘We’re atheists’ said Fatty, ‘we don’t believe in umbrellas.’

‘But it’s raining!’ said Scully, stating the glaringly obvious.

‘If you say so,’ said atheist’s sidekick, and the two came inside.

‘So what can we do for you gentlemen?’ said Mulder.

Fatty piped up, ‘We believe there’s a plot against us and our religion.’  Sidekick nodded approvingly.  ‘And we’re not just being paranoid,’ he added quickly.

‘Someone’s trying to overthrow the cult of atheism?’ said Scully, sceptical.

‘Not just overthrow!  They’re trying to infiltrate.  And we know who these people are.  Actually, we’re not sure.  It could be one bloke, maybe two, three or more at most.  They are everywhere!  We know they are...  Even now, we feel them.’  Sidekick was picking his nose but seemed to agree.

‘So the atheist religion is under attack from some cloak and dagger operatives and you guys want us to find out who?’ said Mulder.

‘Precisely right,’ said Fatty.  Sidekick was now eating whatever he’d found up his nasal passage, and was either agreeing with Fatty, or the crunchy texture of his fortunate find.  ‘We’re not too concerned with what we can see, but with what we can’t.’

‘So you do believe in what you can’t see?’ said Scully, more sceptical this time.

‘Yes!  I mean, No!  I mean, sorry what?  Oh hell, we don’t know anymore, but they’re watching us.’

‘Who?’ said Scully.

‘The anti-atheists, those soldiers who have infiltrated.  To them, we’re nothing but a bunch of blubbering buffoons.  They call us pseudo-intellectites.  Intellectites?  Damn it man, that’s not even a word!’

‘Mulder, is he okay?’

‘It’s fine Scully, let me handle this,’ said Mulder, turning back to the atheists.  ‘Tell me, have you boys been drinking?’  Fatty frowned.  ‘No seriously, we’re a science lab, and of all the conspiracy theories we’ve dealt with, this one is the most absurd.’

‘Crrackpot,’ said Fatty, ‘Let’s roll, we’ve moving.  We’ll get no help here.’

Crrackpot swallowed and said, ‘But I thought we’re going to rope in science to assist.’

‘Science cannot help us; instead we’ll start a Kumbaya support group on Facebook, and invite every single atheist in the country to join us!’

‘You mean all eighty of them?’

‘Shutup Crrackpot, let’s roll.’

After they’d left, Mulder and Scully sat a moment, contemplating about what had just happened.

‘Do you believe any of the nonsense that atheists believe?’ said Scully.

‘Don’t be ridiculous,’ said Mulder, ‘but the truth is out there.’

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