Yes you are, just admit it. And don’t pull a ‘who me?’ and look around you. I’m talking to you, South Africa, all of you collectively and individually. You are all racist!
And don’t give me no fifty shades of grey, crap. There is no grey, not in South Africa. No sir. There’s only black and white.
For the purposes of this article (I hate wordy), I’m going to affectionately refer to our race antagonists as Whitey and Darkie. If that offends you, it’s because you’re a racist!
It’s time to get honest South Africa, real honest.
You! Whitey! Idling in your car at William Nicole onramp. We all know why you don’t want to open your car window and talk to those Darkies selling their wares. It’s not because you don’t want to support crime, buying stolen or counterfeit goods. No. It’s because you’re a racist!
And you! Darkie! In your car, watching that unemployed Whitey aunty selling koeksisters on the corner. Yes, you know all about koeksisters, don’t you? Hell, you love ‘em. But no, you won’t go over there and buy any, because those damned koeksisters are like the old SA flag and Ouma rusks – wretched symbols of apartheid. You’re a racist!
Yes, that insufferable scourge or ridiculous racism runs in our blood, each and every one of us. We’re all racist!
And as much as we try and merge, integrate, transform; the curse of racism only seems to keep rearing its ugly head. There is no escape South Africa, you’re all racist!
A black James Bond? Seriously? That’s as crazy an idea as a white Micheal Jackson - okay terrible analogy, but the point is, you’re still a racist!
You Whiteys, installing new kitchens, you never go for all white surfaces do you? No, of course not. You all want those black-top marble surfaces. Black so that you can chop up your veggies and spill your wines all over it. Black so that you can place your white china on top, to show who’s in charge. Black because you’re racist!
And you, Darkies, you’ll have all your dark-wood furniture and decorate your homes with traditional African art, but you’ll still tile throughout with white tiles. White so that you can walk all over it, keeping the white under your feet. White because you’re racist!
Whiteys in traffic, you don’t hate Mr Taxi Driver because he nearly just wrote you and your car off, almost wrapping you both around that pole over there before disappearing through traffic. No, that’s not why you’re angry is it? You’re angry cause you’re a racist!
Darkies dealing with bank tellers, you aren’t getting upset with Tanie Marie behind the counter who can barely speak a word of English and who’s treating you like a child because she assumes you know nothing about the basics of banking and what you’re really like to do is climb through the glass barrier and slap that silly smirk off her face. You’re upset cause you’re a racist!
It’s time South Africa. Time we get rid of this monkey off our backs. Time that we stretch ourselves a little and break out of this racist rut we’re in.
Whitey’s, how about taking that leap of faith and supporting a local soccer team; enough Man U, Loserpool and Barca. Think local. And don’t come with that Ajax Cape Town crap (pronounced Eye Yacks, not Aye Jacks). Think Sundowns, Swallows or if you can bare it, Black Leopards. Yes, I said black you racist!
Darkies, instead just buying that Bulls jersey at the robots on Saturday morning, how about you pack the family into the car and drive through to Loftus four hours before kick-off? Whip out the braai, boerie and cooler box, and kuier a bit with the locals in the streets around the stadium. Yes you’ll be humming those annoyingly catchy tunes of Kaptein, Loslappie and Baby Tjoklits for the next week in your sleep, but so what? Suck it up you racist!
Try something new damn it! Break that mould. Destroy that stereotype.
Whiteys, when no one’s watching, just do it, go buy a crate of Black Label quarts, or even better, Castle Milk Stout. Do it!
And you, Darkies, when you’re all alone, take the remote and flip that channel. You know you want to. Ditch Generations and go straight to that white channel, SABC 3, Top Billing’s just started. Do it!
So what’s it gonna be, South Africa? Are we going to heed the call or stay as we are – black, white, and racist to the core?
I look forward to the days when we can all get those jobs because we’re competent and qualified, not because we’re the right colour.
I look forward to the day when every one of us knows every word of our national anthem and that as we sing, we sing each part with equal gusto.
But until then, just know this, that we’re all still a bunch of racists!