Dear Visitor,
Welcome to Cape Town, hope you're enjoying your holiday. Contrary to what you think, we're actually quite a friendly bunch down here innie Kaap.
We appreciate you choosing us as your holiday destination and spending your hard-earned cash in our city. We really do. You can borrow my beach bats any time.
Just a few pointers and we'll get along swimmingly:
Let's all park like it's that's the bosses car next to us. It's hot and we'd all like the shady spot, so leave me some room to get out without a 12-point turn.
C'mon, you don't really need your cell phone on the beach do you? If you do, I know you'll refrain from pacing up and down in front of me telling your mate at home how massively huge last night was.
Yes, the water's cold and we also wish that it would be as warm and inviting as Tahiti, but if it's swimming you're after go to Fish Hoek and put a cork in the whine.
For Pete's sake, get the kid a granadilla lolly. They're healthy and delicious and 15 bucks isn't that much.
A stolen glance or double take is fine, but unashamedly staring at my topless girlfriend through your dark glasses behind your paper with your five-year old playing at your feet makes you a dirty old man.
If the lady with the clipboard says "we're full, there's a 20-minute wait" blame it on the silly season and take your place in the queue, hotshot. We're all hungry.
Zebra crossings are not optional depending on your speed. Families with cooler boxes, umbrellas and kids get right of way. Smile, you're on holiday.
I dig your music - that new Black Eyed Peas is the bomb, but all the extra bass in China and a wolf whistle won't make the girls turn their heads.
Smoking is dirty habit, but it's a free country. Leave the butts in the sand and it won't be such a pretty place next time you're down.
Pizza boxes and empty plastic water bottles are not soluble in water. When you're done, drop them off in one of the 85 blue beach bins. There's no beach fairy.
But that's not you, is it? Nah, didn't think so.
Joe Local
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