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Irukandji
 
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Zionomaximus africanus uncovered

08 October 2012, 09:42

This story is extremely tongue-in-cheek. For those who do not regularly read the drivel I write, stop reading. NOW!

Ladies and gentleman of the class of ’99 ... wear *sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. (Sorry, wrong story.)

In their never-ending mission to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no Orange Free State miner has gone before, scientologists have discovered an amazing species – living right here on MyNews24.

A renowned expert on scatology, Professor Piet Pompies, from the University of Limpopo, has announced that a strange life form was discovered while he was exploring the News24 website. The new species has been named Zionomaximus africanus, from the family of Verbaldiarrhoea-saurus.

Zionomaximus (let’s just call it **ZION, for short, shall we?) is old, quite short in height, covered in bristles, and its weight is roughly that of a Yorkshire terrier.

Prof Pompies is of the view that the bristles are a protective weapon which it uses for defence.

“The bristles make it look much bigger than it actually is – they poke out more strongly when ZION gets excited,” he explained.

“Exposure to the dust from hundreds of mines, as well as the fact that pigeons once crapped on its head, leads me to suspect that it has been irreversibly brain damaged,” the professor said.

This little creature has weird and bizarre tastes – and some unusual tendencies. Aside from posting hundreds of poems, pictures, and articles, Zionomaximus africanus – to use its copy-and-paste name – has a predilection for ***self-flagellation.

This is how it works:

ZION first publishes an article. The article would contain some blatant untruths and outright lies. Readers easily spot the distortion of the truth in his stories, and post their comments. And this is just what ZION wants! SELF-FLAGELLATION HEAVEN!

He then replies with a salvo of verbal abuse, swearing, name-calling, and lastly – when he runs out of expletives – he calls the reader a “twat.” And we all know what THAT means!

Sometimes, when he gets really agitated (which happens about a dozen times a day), his bristles get stuck in the keyboard. This causes the poor chap to WRITE HIS REJOINDERS IN UPPERCASE. 

Here are some of ZION’s answers to readers who did not agree with one of his legendary articles: “Effects of marijuana,” published 04 October 2012. (The spelling mistakes are unique to his writing technique.)

“I would love to give you my address f*ckface but you may walk out with your face the wrong way around. You are typical south African scrap just by the way you talk. so ok find me you uneducated runt.”

“HEY GAZA WHERE THE HELL ARE YOUR EARS MAN i TOLD YOU LONG AGO YOU ARE SUITABLE TO BE A SUICIDE BOMBER NO GO DO IT CRETIN.”

“I can hardly give you any credence for a load of crap, utter drivel as is known.I may be living my last days yet you are living yours in utter ignorance, Your comment is njothing more than a repetition of following the leader, zero intelligence. now run along and go play with your trike.”

“And becoming a criminal just by smoking it. buzz you are a dumb c*** and you lie your way out of a corner.”

If I didn’t know any better (and I probably don’t), I would say that Zionomaximus africanus, from the family of Verbaldiarrhoea-saurus, was a raving lunatic – completely bonkers.

Personally, I wouldn’t trust this species with a loaded weapon. Or sunscreen.

Now let’s all sing together:

“Old MacDonald had a farm,

Zee i zee i oh,

With a twat, twat here,

And a twat, twat there...”

*sunscreen - http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MQlJ3vOp6nI

**ZION – uppercase, caused by bristles getting stuck in the keyboard

***self-flagellation – not to be confused with spermatozoa who flagellate; will cause hair to grow on the palms of your hands

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