MyNews24 is a user-generated section of The stories here come from users.

Comments: 15
Article views: 4
Latest Badges:

View all Irukandji's badges.

Zionomaximus africanus uncovered

08 October 2012, 09:42

This story is extremely tongue-in-cheek. For those who do not regularly read the drivel I write, stop reading. NOW!

Ladies and gentleman of the class of ’99 ... wear *sunscreen. If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. (Sorry, wrong story.)

In their never-ending mission to explore strange new worlds; to seek out new life and new civilizations; to boldly go where no Orange Free State miner has gone before, scientologists have discovered an amazing species – living right here on MyNews24.

A renowned expert on scatology, Professor Piet Pompies, from the University of Limpopo, has announced that a strange life form was discovered while he was exploring the News24 website. The new species has been named Zionomaximus africanus, from the family of Verbaldiarrhoea-saurus.

Zionomaximus (let’s just call it **ZION, for short, shall we?) is old, quite short in height, covered in bristles, and its weight is roughly that of a Yorkshire terrier.

Prof Pompies is of the view that the bristles are a protective weapon which it uses for defence.

“The bristles make it look much bigger than it actually is – they poke out more strongly when ZION gets excited,” he explained.

“Exposure to the dust from hundreds of mines, as well as the fact that pigeons once crapped on its head, leads me to suspect that it has been irreversibly brain damaged,” the professor said.

This little creature has weird and bizarre tastes – and some unusual tendencies. Aside from posting hundreds of poems, pictures, and articles, Zionomaximus africanus – to use its copy-and-paste name – has a predilection for ***self-flagellation.

This is how it works:

ZION first publishes an article. The article would contain some blatant untruths and outright lies. Readers easily spot the distortion of the truth in his stories, and post their comments. And this is just what ZION wants! SELF-FLAGELLATION HEAVEN!

He then replies with a salvo of verbal abuse, swearing, name-calling, and lastly – when he runs out of expletives – he calls the reader a “twat.” And we all know what THAT means!

Sometimes, when he gets really agitated (which happens about a dozen times a day), his bristles get stuck in the keyboard. This causes the poor chap to WRITE HIS REJOINDERS IN UPPERCASE. 

Here are some of ZION’s answers to readers who did not agree with one of his legendary articles: “Effects of marijuana,” published 04 October 2012. (The spelling mistakes are unique to his writing technique.)

“I would love to give you my address f*ckface but you may walk out with your face the wrong way around. You are typical south African scrap just by the way you talk. so ok find me you uneducated runt.”


“I can hardly give you any credence for a load of crap, utter drivel as is known.I may be living my last days yet you are living yours in utter ignorance, Your comment is njothing more than a repetition of following the leader, zero intelligence. now run along and go play with your trike.”

“And becoming a criminal just by smoking it. buzz you are a dumb c*** and you lie your way out of a corner.”

If I didn’t know any better (and I probably don’t), I would say that Zionomaximus africanus, from the family of Verbaldiarrhoea-saurus, was a raving lunatic – completely bonkers.

Personally, I wouldn’t trust this species with a loaded weapon. Or sunscreen.

Now let’s all sing together:

“Old MacDonald had a farm,

Zee i zee i oh,

With a twat, twat here,

And a twat, twat there...”

*sunscreen -

**ZION – uppercase, caused by bristles getting stuck in the keyboard

***self-flagellation – not to be confused with spermatozoa who flagellate; will cause hair to grow on the palms of your hands

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received. publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
June Stewart
We really live in the Western Cap...

Why we really live in the Western Cape Minister Tina Joemat-Pettersson.  Read more...

0 comments 0 views
Submitted by
David van Tonder
Will the real ANC please stand up...

The Diane Kohler Barnard saga continues to attract much attention across social and conventional media. Read more...

0 comments 103 views
Submitted by
Mouth watering rugby ahead.

I must agree that England's demise was mostly due to a horrible pool and surely as hosts they should have had an easier path to the quarter finals. Read more...

0 comments 162 views
Submitted by
Adrian Ciesielski
Strategic Disruption

There is, for some reason, an attraction to falling in line, following the rules, and playing this business game by the books. If you want to be an agent for change within the company, and let them know that you are not just a minion, be disruptive. Read more...

0 comments 466 views
Submitted by
Charles Coombes
Non-Zero Gravity

This is in reply to Zero Gravity While it is good to see someone thinking about these things I feel that I have to correct a few misconceptions that are in the above article. Read more...

0 comments 171 views
Submitted by
Bongani Mahlangu
Cognitive Dissonance in South Afr...

I have been hearing a lot about "Cognitive Dissonance" lately and I had experienced it talking to certain individuals within a certain party. I had to read more about it. I came across a quotation that says, "Any fool can despise what he cannot understand or comprehend." Read more...

0 comments 178 views


E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

Interactive Advertising Bureau
© 2015 All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.


Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.

Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire network.


Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.

Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.