Disclaimer: This is (not) a true historical record of the events that took place between Pieter Mauritz Retief and Dingane kaSenzangakhona Zulu on the 6th February 1838.
For those of you, who were lucky enough to have missed Episode 1 of this highly contentious piece of history, let me quickly bring you up to speed with a short summary of where we left off.
A Short Summary of Where We Left Off:
Good. Now let’s carry on.
WARNING: Rated PG. 81+ SNVL Some of the following content might disturb sensitive listeners, i. e. pissies and sissies.
Our story resumes on the evening of the 6th of February 1838 AD. King Ding Aan had organised a final farewell party for Piet Retief and his Trekkers. It would cost the Zulu taxpayers R137 million, but who cares? It’s only money...
(But that’s not important right now, Sakkie.)
Earlier in the day, there was nearly pandemonium in the compound. Bobby Aan, king Dingus’ brother, had brought him some distressing news.
“Boeta, Dingus!” he cried. “We have a challenge. Demand has outstripped supply. We have almost run out of our stock of traditionally topless reed-dancing virgins. In fact, there are only two of them left! The ugliest two of the lot! And one of them has lost her reed!”
“What! How is that possible?” raved Dingus. “Only three months ago, we had 30,000 of them!”
“I know, but there are more than two hundred Trekkers here, and they’ve been doing the Waka Waka every single night since their arrival! Go figure!”
“Scribe!” called Dingus. “Take this down! I decree that tonight, on this, the 6th day of February 1838 AD, there shall be no Waka Waka performed in the Royal Compound. Not by thou, nor thy son, nor thy daughter, nor thy manservant, nor thy maidservant, nor thy cattle, nor thy stranger that is within thy gates, nor thy traditionally topless reed-dancing virgins. No Waka Waka at all!
By no one! That includes Baas Pieta with his pink *deurtrekker. So let it be written, so let it be done. Given under my hand, etc, etc.”
And with that, Dingus smiled a secret smile, and waited for the sun to set...
Just before sunset, one of Retief’s verkenners, Gert Swanepoel, rode into the compound with Uncle Skokkie Aan sitting behind him on a Horse with No Name. He had found Uncle Skokkie wandering around the Matopos Hills, near Bulawayo in Zimbabwe, blind and blind drunk, as usual.
Uncle Skokkie was busy teaching Gert two traditional Zulu songs: “Vanaand Gaan die Volkies Koring Sny,” and, “Awuleth’ Umshini Wami.”
Gert carried the still singing Uncle Skokkie into his hut – took one look at the two ugly, traditionally topless, reed-dancing virgins; saw that one of them had lost her reed – got on a Horse with No Name, and rode off into the desert – not to be heard from again until 1972 – when his hit single topped the charts in America.
Now follows a date which will live in infamy:
Sorry, wrong Channel!
That evening around the campfires, the mood was subdued and philosophical. No Waka Waka, meant that the Trekkers had more time to imbibe. And this they did with gay abandon.
Author’s Note to Readers: Wait. Before writing a nasty comment – I DO NOT mean, or imply, that gays should be abandoned. I’ll NEVER abandon a gay. Let us be clear on that! I’m NOT a xylophone – no matter what you may hear. OK? Right... We carry on where we left off:
...with gay abandon.
“How does one calculate the length of a hippopotamus, Baas Pieta?” asked king Dingus, after downing his umpteenth Lion lager. “Most of the time, these animals are floating, half-submerged in the water – making it difficult to judge their actual length when one is standing on the opposite side of the river.”
“Well, Shire, (hic!), according to Baash Pythagorash (PBUH), the square of the (hic!), hippopotamush equalsh the shum of the squares of the lengths of the other two shides. Hic!” replied Piet with a self-satisfied smile. (His last smile on Earth – or anywhere else, for that matter.)
And that, as they say, was the camel’s back that broke the final straw. The rest, as they say, is his story. He, being Gerhard Lodewikus Zacharias Wagenaer Potgieter Retief – the great-great-great-great grandson of Pieter Mauritz Retief, as they say.
“What!” shouted king Ding Aan. “What did you say? You mock me! Me! The Great traditional uMgungundlovu of the Sacred Zulu Gingindlovu!!! **Jou ma, man!”
And then he really lost it:
“Para bailar La Bamba! Ay, arriba arriba! Yo no soy marinero, soy capitan! Bamba, bamba! Bamba, bamba! Bamba, bamba, bam!” he screamed!
He raved on: “Bambani laba bathakathi! Ay, arriba arriba! Bamba, bamba, bam! Bambani laba bathakathi!”
The above rant, roughly translated from isiZulu, means: “Kill the bloody Mathematicians! We only need a 30% pass mark in matric!”
The Zulu impis set upon the ***goed gelagerde Trekkers, like ANC politicians at the feeding trough, and quickly blew their candles to the wind. (As Elton would have said.) I’ll spare you the gory details – but there was a lot of blood and sweat and tears and guts and snot and puke and sheet and other unspeakable stuff all over the place when it was finished... much like Piss Story’s trial.
TEN MONTHS LATER
A copy of the Treaty between Retief and Ding Aan, dated 4 February 1838, was found 10 months later in a saddle bag, near Retief’s earthly remains. By then, the Treaty was not worth the paper it was written on. And the paper was in the same sorry state... KwaZulu-Natal was no man’s land, once again!
King Ding Aan was killed in a bar fight in Howick a few years later. (Apparently while he was performing a Karaoke sing-along to the song: La Bamba.) His brother, Bobby Aan, went into politics – stole millions of taxpayer’s money – and built an enormous compound for himself, his wives, mistresses, concubines, and offspring, at Nkandla.
Uncle Skokkie Aan gave up drinking, and became a famous motivational speaker for people suffering from Consecotaleophobia.
But this story has a happy ending, after all.
Oomh Aan stayed on at king Ding Aan’s original compound with the two remaining virgins. Apparently, no one had ever bothered to inform Oomph Aan that the “No Waka Waka” decree was only in effect on the 6th of February 1838.
Lastly, the two ugly, traditionally topless, reed-dancing virgins officially remained virgins, until the day they died – setting a new South African record, and going viral on YouTube and Twitter. For some unknown reason, they were both awarded the Order of the Sleeping Companion of O.R. Tambo, Gold, posthumously.
But, on some dark misty nights in February, if you listen closely, you can still hear a ghostly laughter echoing over the ruins of UmGungundlovu...
*deurtrekker – G-string
**Jou ma, man! – King Ding Aan had actually said some other very bad things as well. Things which cannot be repeated on this forum. Things which made me (an ex-Sergeant Major in the SADF; when the Army was still an Army to be proud of) blush
***goed gelagerde Trekkers – inebriated past the point of no return