Imagine, Dear Reader, a sinister parallel universe much like our own; a world where South African politicians, rather than relying on their abundant wit and eloquence to settle political issues, engage in bloody one-on-one skirmishes. I envision a world where great steel domed cages adorn government yards and political rallies. In such a world, physical prowess and leopard-like agility would determine who will lead and who will be mopped casually from the ring floor with a Verimark Floorwizz.
In our hypothetical alternate reality, imagine, Dear Reader, our two most revered political figures pitted against each other for the prize of ultimate reign. Imagine, if you will, massive billboards on every city block declaring in six-foot metallic letters: Julius Malema vs. Jacob Zuma: The Ultimate Deathmatch.
The forward thinking reader may already have foreseen the several problems existing within this scenario, not least of which is trying to get the two fellows to arrive on time for their melee. How do we get these less than punctual gentleman to willingly appear at the last good fight they’ll ever know when we struggle enough to get them to a legal hearing on time with the full authority of the Supreme Court at our backs?
No matter. Let us continue our brave thought experiment, regardless. The snarling opponents, stripped to their waist, face off. For a split second all is unnaturally still, South Africa’s breath seems caught in its throat, before the two rippling man-blobs tear into each other with the aggression of frenzied mongrel dogs. It’s a good thing Zuma had that shower, because there would be little to protect those in the front row from the buckets gore splashing about.
Before the battle continues, let us analyze the physical attributes of our courageous warriors: Malema’s strict Heineken bulking diet has given him the weight advantage, but Zuma’s resemblance to Laurence Fishburne’s character, Morpheus, from the Matrix, should be a good indicator of sound Martial Arts programming. Let us further not forget that both men have received rigorous training in the more militant wings of the ANC.
Malema, young and ruthless will stop at nothing to win; Jacob Zuma, powerful and cunning, has years of experience on the young berserker. The crowd roars with menacing enthusiasm, shouts of blood-thirsty glee and cries of “Finish him!” Who will be left standing in this political mortal combat? That, Dear Reader, I shall leave up to your own perverse imagination.