From: the desk of the Honourable Nosiwse Ulubantu
Press Secretary to the Honourable Jacob Zuma (PBUH)
To: The Honourable President Barack Obama
President of the United States of America
SUBJECT: VISIT TO CAPE TOWN/ATTACK ON SYRIA
Earlier this year we advised you not to visit Cape Town, as they want to bring back Apartheid, but you refused to listen to us and visited, where that running lap dog, Patricia de Lille gave you the freedom of the city. This city is covered in excrement, all of it human, because the people, who love the ANC and President Zuma, want to show how bad the DA is.
But President Zuma is a kind and forgiving man, and he decided that you could not be fully aware of the consequences of visiting Cape Town, even though we warned you! But you went there and they made a big warrah warrah, because you legitimised their awful human rights abuses. But you didn’t know, so we forgive you.
But this thing with Syria?! Eh eh eh! You think you can just go and bomb innocent peoples? President Zuma is very angry! One day, in parliament, he got so angry with Helen Zille that he hit her with his mathondo. Do you want him to do that to you?
He is very scary when he is angry, I can tell you, because he will sing ‘bring me my machine gun’ and then what will you do? I say, don’t make the President angry. And if you bomb Syria, especially President Assad, who is a good man, you can ask President Zuma, hai, hai, hai, you will make him very angry.
Maybe you should discuss it with him first, so that he can act as a mediator, as he did so successfully with Zimbabwe.
I trust this letter finds you well, and we wish the very best to Michelle and the childrens.
Please don’t make President Zuma angry. Please!
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