PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 9
Article views: 1381
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Zuma at the DHA chapter 2

18 July 2014, 09:37

This, the second chapter, recounts the trials and tribulations which beset me on my quest to obtain a new ID Book from the Department of Home Affairs.

For those of you who didn’t get to read the previous chapter, here’s a short recap:

Short recap.

Right, let’s move along then, shall we?

Yesterday I received the shock of my life. It came by SMS. From the DHA. Nearly caused me to be arrested for cardiopulmonary ICU and SCD and CPR and STD and sheet. (Don’t worry if you don’t understand all these fancy medical terms; it took me many years of dedicated and devoted study before I became au fait with them.)

The SMS read: “ID Book for Irukandji (not my real name) is ready for collection at office of application.” In this case – at the Department of Home Affairs’ office in Cullinan.

I lay awake all night – scared sheetless – knowing that I would once again have to enter the dreaded Labyrinth of the Government’s Office of the Shadow of Death. But in the end, I took a handful of Viagra, swallowed them down manfully with some strong coffee, and ventured forth – ready for anything that might come up.

Even before I even entered the DHA office in Cullinan, I ran into trouble: An obese, corpulent, rotund, black female, in a tight-fitting blue security uniform, was sitting on a garden bench at the door. She spotted me and said just one word: “Boek!”

She pointed with her overweight thumb in the direction of a small table next to her, just outside of the entrance to the office, on which a filthy Boek was placed.

I quickly complied with her friendly request. (One klap from her and I would be history, with no need of a new ID.)

At the shrine of the Boek, I was second in a queue of one. The young, smartly dressed black lady in front of me was trying to squeeze the last of the lifeblood out of the guvva-mint issue BIC ballpoint pen. To no avail.

“Can you borrow me your pen?” she asked, turning to me.

I was going to do the “lend, borrow” sermon, but then I thought: “What the hell, she’s probably just as scared as I am.” I handed her my 18-year-old gold plated Parker with my name engraved on it.

She answered the questions in the columns; smiled, handed back my 18-year-old gold plated Parker with my name still engraved on it, and walked off the pitch. I stepped up to the crease. Or the badly creased Boek, in this case.

And then I had an epiphany! Something, a voice, told me not to give them the correct information – and a miracle would happen! So I wrote:

Name: Jacob Zuma.

Address: Nkandla

Reason for Visit: Surprise inspection.

Tel number: 000 000 0001.

Time: 05:31 (Actually the time was 09:55)

Signature: X

The fat security female slowly extracted her plump finger from her right nostril and scrutinised it in minute detail. Finally, seemingly delighted with life forms she discovered clinging to her digitus secundus, she looked at the entry I made in the Boek – and uttered just four words: “You can go in.”

Ta-Daaaaaa!

I was in! At last! I made it to the next level! Will wonders never cease?

I climbed up the steps and entered the next level.

Inside The Temple of Everlasting Doom, there were several pee pool standing around in a dazed, haphazard fashion. They looked as if they had been zombyfied by the creepy atmosphere in the Temple. There were no chairs. The grey, dimly-lit room was roughly 3x4 meters. Very eerie!

It seemed as if the pee pool working for the DHA were behind bars to prevent them from biting the zombyfied pee pool standing in the grey, dimly-lit room of roughly 3x4 meters. And vice versa. I was petrified! My Viagra high was wearing off!

Suddenly, a neatly dressed young man appeared from nowhere, and said in immaculate English: “Good morning, Sir. My name is Sylvester. How may I be of assistance to you?”

Well, I never! I thought I had died and gone to Orania!

“Oh, thank you! Thank you! I’ve come to collect my ID,” I replied in a whining, piss stories type of voice. “Sniff, sniff. Snot-gurgle. Vomit, vomit. That is correct, My Lady.”

The rest, as they say, is history.

Fifteen minutes later, I was driving back home with my brand new ID locked in the boot of my car, smiling all the way. (Not the ID, Sakkie. ID photos never smile. It was me, smiling all the way home.)

I am forever indebted to *Jacob Zuma for visiting these offices, signing the Boek, and organising my new ID.

Thank you, Jacob, for sending the archangel, Sylvester, to help me!

*(How else would you explain the fact that it took just ONE MONTH for me to get my new ID Boek?)

THE END

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
9 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
Terrylin Backpackers
The cheque is in the post

"I hear you are in bond collections. What are the latest excuses people are coming up with these days? I've run out of ideas." Read more...

5 comments 866 views
Submitted by
Meta
News in the digital age

How do you think that spreading your hate/bigotry and or intolerance helps anybody? Read more...

13 comments 983 views
Submitted by
Brian Faul
How and why a Dictator is born

One needs to remember looking back in history these hard times is when a dictator is more likely to get born. It is during these hard times that a dictator gets voted into power. Read more...

11 comments 1792 views
Submitted by
Prenisha Naidoo
I will be proactive...

This letter is in response to articles on the death of baby Jamie Naidoo, We have the tendency to be reactive…we wait for something to happen, then suddenly we care, writes a News24 User. Read more...

2 comments 436 views
Submitted by
woadstress
Celebration

Make a list of at least ten things that you can celebrate, and write two or three reasons why you can celebrate those things or events. Read more...

1 comments 153 views
Submitted by
Eric de Castro
Last squeak of the year

 Read more...

13 comments 215 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

2DAYS ONLY – 30% off Appliances

Coffee makers, blenders, fans, juicers and more. T&Cs apply. Shop now!

2 DAYS ONLY – 40% off books

Get 40% off when you buy 2 books. For two days only! T&Cs apply. Buy now!

Up to 50% off on outdoor gear

Save on chairs, blankets, cooler bags, umbrellas and more. Shop now!

Save on Samsung

Cameras, mobile phones, TVs, Tablets and more. While stocks last. Shop now!

Grand Theft Auto 5

Now available on PS4, Xbox One and PC from R649. Buy now!

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.