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Zuma 'held hostage'

29 March 2012, 06:51

In the news tonight: A gunman has kidnapped a senior member of the ANC at the Union buildings in Pretoria, months ahead of elections, police said on Monday. President Jacob Zuma was abducted on Sunday, said police spokesman Willy Seaman. He was taken immediately after delivering a speech at the Union buildings, the spokesman reported. The kidnapper has contacted the presidency and is demanding ransom. For the latest developments on the kidnapping, we now cross over to our underpaid political reporter R.Phiri, who’s at the scene.

Anchorman: Underpaid political reporter can you confirm that it is truly the president who has been kidnapped?

R.Phiri: Earlier on I spoke to key members of the presidency, who have confirmed that the president has been kidnapped. They say that they received a ransom note with a list of demands, from an unidentified, fat man in a purple suit. As you can see behind me there’s two jet planes, two Indians, a shower head and several unsolved corruption cases...physical evidence that suggest that the president is being held hostage in the warehouse behind me.

Anchorman: We understand that he was kidnapped months ahead of elections, what is the motive behind this?

R.Phiri: The African National Congress will meet in Mangaung in the Free State in December 2012 to elect a new leadership. The five-yearly conference is the party’s apex event culminating in the election of its top six officials president, deputy president, secretary-general, deputy secretary-general, chairperson and treasurer and the 80-member National Executive Committee. If events around Malema and his executive’s disciplinary hearings and the support they received outside Luthuli House in August, was anything to go by, Zuma might just find himself alone fighting for political survival in Bloemfontein. So the league basically kidnapped the president in order to prolong their political existence.

 Anchorman: We understand that Julius Malema may be responsible for the kidnapping, any word as to how he managed to kidnap the president in full view of his body guards?

R.Phiri: At the moment details of the kidnapping is blurry, but the presidency has assigned a task team to investigate as to how a full figured man, in a very vivid purple suit, managed to capture the president without being noticed. Rumours have emerged that the former league president did not act alone; some say that suspended ANCYL spokesperson, Floyd Shivambu is an accomplice. But officials have ruled out that possibility, stating that MR Shivambu was at speech therapy classes and his alibi checks out.

Anchorman: Now what is Malema demanding for the president’s release?

R.Phiri: I received a copy of the ransom note from the presidency and the demands are as follow: Nationalization of mines, an A+ in wood work, to be reinstated as the ANCYL president, a bucket of chicken, medical parole if his convicted on corruption charges, a set of golf clubs upon his release and his 200th chance to appear on “Who’s smarter than a fifth grader”.

Anchorman: How far are authorities with negotiations?

R.Phiri: The negotiation process is stagnant, due to a negotiator not being present on the scene.

Anchorman: And why is this so?

R.Phiri: We can attribute the man’s absence due to the E-tolling system; the negotiator is from Johannesburg and the warehouse where the president is being held hostage is in Pretoria. So literally speaking the man cannot afford to be here.

Anchorman: So is there an alternative plan to rescue the president?

 R.Phiri: For now no, cast members from the series “back to the future” have been tasked to build a time travel machine, which authorities can use to go back in time to the point before the president’s kidnapping. If the machinery works, Malema’s arrest is inevitable...this methodology is synonymous to that sci-fi movie that Tom Cruise starred in. Another alternative is for cartoonist Zapiro, to sketch law enforcement into cartoon characters and incorporate the drawings into 3D Disney animations to be embedded into the Aladdin movie. Once embedded authorities will infiltrate Aladdin’s residence and steal his magical genie back into reality. Thus a member from the presidency will rub the genie’s lamp, granting him three wishes; which he will use to free the president.   

Anchorman: Hmmm...Don’t you think those plans are a bit too farfetched?

 R.Phiri: Yes, any idea from the government usually is?

Anchorman: Any response from opposition parties about the president’s kidnapping?

R.Phiri: So far political parties have been quite about the matter, but the DA’s Helen Zille says she will comment after taking care of the mammoth increase of refugees in the Eastern Cape. In the same breath Lindiwe Mazibuko also failed to comment as she was busy making tea.

 Anchorman: Coming back to your first answer, who are the two Indians that you said are on the scene?

R.Phiri: The one with a large sum of arms deal money is a presidential spokesperson, the other one who is brandishing his golf clubs in bitter rage, is supposedly“sick” man seeking money that he loaned to the president.

Anchorman: Thank you for that report, that was our underpaid political reporter R.Phiri, speaking to us about the latest developments into the president’s kidnapping...But now it’s time for serious, breaking news: A powerful hurricane has swept through a local cemetery, leaving thousands dead...

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