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Irukandji
 
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Zuma inspects the Dept of Home Affairs

18 July 2014, 05:00

Just before the last elections, I lost my ID. After overcoming much inner turmoil and trepidation, I decided to apply for a new one. This is the story of the trials and tribulations which beset me on my quest.

Few things in life hold as much unbridled terror for me, as dealing with the pee pool working at a guvva-munt deeputt-mint. I have come under fire from the enemy in Angola; I have had some narrow escapes while skydiving; I’ve got tangled up in a bungee cord. These are minor mishaps, I tell you.

Nothing, and I mean nothing, compares with my fear of walking into the Government’s Offices of the Shadow of Death – with the Sword of Damocles hovering over my head.

But, being a white old fart (WOF), I decided not to let the side down, and carry on regardless.

So... on the 13th of June I took a drive out to the DHA offices in Cullinan to apply for an ID. I chose Cullinan, hoping to avoid the bloody illiterate BEE-appointed idiots at the DHA offices, in Centurion. (I’ve had dealings with them before – but that’s not important right now.)

The pee pool were striking and rioting in Mamelodi, so the old Bronkhorstspruit road was closed off by those corrupt sods, the SAPS. Undeterred, I turned around without paying a bribe, made a detour, and sallied forth on my quest.

At the DHA in Cullinan, I was told that I could only apply for the old green booklet-type ID. I didn’t care. I just wanted an ID, any ID.

I fell in line with the rest of the pee pool in the queue. We were photographed, fingerprinted, deloused, sworn in, and documented. I paid R50.00 for four ID photos and R140.00 for the ID.

(At this point in time there was a “challenge,” but I’ve already issued a public apology for my behaviour, so we won’t go into this incident right now.)

Even before I left the premises, I received an SMS. “We acknowledge receipt of application for Irukandji (not my real name). Reference No: 00048756491 (not the real number). More info: 0800601190 (real number).”

I jumped in my car and thanked the gods that I escaped relatively unscathed.

That was a month ago.

I don’t know if you know this, but the DHA has a website where you can check your status, and track various documents being processed by them.

ID Application: Get the stage in the ID Application
Passport Application: Get the stage in the Passport Application
Marital: Either Single, Married, Divorced or Widow
Alive or Deceased: Either Alive or Death Date
ID Duplicate: Check if Your ID is a Duplicate
Permit Application: Check STATUS of Your Permit Application

You simply enter your ID number and click on the appropriate choice.

The first thing I did when I arrived back home was to visit their website. I typed in my ID number and clicked on the Alive or Deceased button.

ALIVE!” came the reply. Oh, happy day! I’m alive! I’m alive!

Now I can breathe, I can see, I can touch, I can feel,
I can taste all the sugar sweetness in your kiss,
You give me all the things I've ever missed,
I've never felt like this,
I'm alive, I'm alive, I'm alive!

(I loved this song by the Hollies. But that’s not important right now.)

Next, I clicked on the ID application button. I got the following message:

ERROR

The requested URL could not be retrieved. While trying to retrieve the URL: http://www.dha.gov.za/status/

The following error was encountered:

  • Unable to forward this request at this time.

This request could not be forwarded to the origin server or to any parent caches. The most likely cause for this error is that:

  • The cache administrator does not allow this cache to make direct connections to origin servers, and
  • All configured parent caches are currently unreachable.

Your cache administrator is webmaster.
Generated Wed, 16 Jul 2014 13:57:06 GMT by inv-proxy.dha.gov.za  

TO BE CONTINUED...

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