PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 27
Article views: 3935
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Zuma is leaving Nkandla!

01 April 2014, 05:30

In what must surely be the scoop of the century, President Jacob Zuma has granted me an exclusive interview in his palace at Nkandla.

It all happened as in a fairy tale.

Sakkie hurriedly came up to me, stuffed an airplane ticket in my hand, and brusquely said: “Number 1 is waiting.” He walked away in a sulk (because he had to stay at home). I packed a few things and rushed off to Jan Smuts Airport.

(After implementing a policy of not renaming airports after politicians, the corrupt ANC Government renamed the airport after Oliver Tambo. I do not recognise this name – so stuff them. I shall go to my funeral pyre with Jan Smuts (PBUH) on my lips.)

So, to cut a long tottie short, finally – there we were – Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma and I, sipping 50-year-old Glenfiddich single malt whisky with Umqombothi chasers, and gazing over the green, lush, Nkandla palace grounds, in Natal.

“Mister President, why me? Why did you decide to grant me this interview?” I asked.

“Two things,” he said. “One, the name Irukandji has a nice, Zulu-sounding ring to it. Two, you are well known for your honesty.”

“That is so true. Thank you, sir. May I record this interview for posterity?”

“Sure, my friend. Mi casa es su casa, or as they say in Zulu: Indlu yami uba indlu yakho – my wives and goats are your wives and goats.”

I switched on my little Sony ICDX-2 digital voice recorder and sat back.

He began:

“Scrupulously Honest Irukandji, Honourable Speeka of the National Assembly, Chairpessin of the National Council of Proveences; Deputy Speeka of the National Assembly and Deputy Chairpessin of the NCOP; Deputy President of the Republic, Honourable Kgalema Motlanthe; Former Deputy President Baleka Mbethe, Honourable Chief Justice of the Republic, and all esteemed membas of the Judiciary; Honourable Meeneesters and Deputy Meeneesters, Distinguished Premiers and Speekas of our Proveences; Chairpessin of SALGA, and all local government leedaship; Chairpessin of the National House of Traditional Leedas; Hets of Chaptah 9 Institutions; The Goviena of the Reserve Bank, Leedas from Beesness, Spots, Traditional, Religious and all Sectas, Membas of the deeplomatic corps, Special and distinguished guests, Honourable membas, Fellow South African pee pull, Good evening, sanibonani, molweni, dumelang, riperile, ndimadekwana, goeienaand.

South Africa, tonight you are looking at a man who is full of remorse and ashamed.”

(I looked down, and sure enough, the remorseness was running down both legs of his Armani suit. I couldn’t see any ashamedness because his zip was up. But that is not important right now.)

“I have come to realize that I am an embarrassment to the pee pull. And to South Africa as a hole. I am the worst leeda this country has ever had. Even worse than Malema. I am full of sorryness.”

(I looked down at his trousers again, but couldn’t see any sorryness there.)

“Firstly, I have to confess: my Umthondo is not nearly as big as in that painting: The Spear, by Brett Murray. I paid him to make it look much bigger.

Be that as it may.

Investigations have been done and they found nothing against me. This is because the investigators work for me, and I instructed them not to find anything against me. I’m as guilty as sin and I’m going to make amends. Here’s what I’m going to do:

Tomorrow, I’m going to step down as president. Then I’m going to give away all the wives, children, cows, goats, and chickens, mistresses, bodyguards, and concubines (in that order), that are running around the Nkandla palace.

Nkandla shall be turned into a care and support centre for abused women and children.

Then I am going to pay back every cent of the R246 million that I have stolen from the taxpayers of this country.

I confess: I am guilty of all the charges of fraud and corruption that were brought against me. But it’s not 738, it is actually 740 – they’ve miscounted a couple.

Next, I am going to charge those skelms, the Guptas, and fine them R100 billion for their shenanigans. Then I’m going to kick their ingquzas out of this country forever.

Shaik is going back to prison. Together with Selebi, Cele, McBride, and every other corrupt ANC politician in government – in other weds: all of them. They will spend the rest of their miserable lives rotting in jail.

Once again, comrades, I am sorry. The devil made me do it. Please forgive me.

Nkosi Sukkel met Africa. Boohoo! Sob, sob! 

I thank you.”

He broke down in tears.

I couldn’t help feeling sorry for the man. I didn’t Boo out of politeness.

Before I left, we spent a pleasant evening sitting around the fire pool – spit braaiing a couple of bovine carcasses – while some of his wives, goats, mistresses, bodyguards, chickens, and concubines, were dancing topless around the fire to the latest hit song, Nkandla Style.

Later Zuma fetched his guitar. He sang “Mshini wami,” and I sang “Hotel California.” We talked about the good old days of apartheid. He called me “Baas Iru,” and I called him “Boy.” The Glenfiddich and Umqombothi kicked in; dronkverdriet overcame upon us, and we had a good old cry on one another’s shoulders. I said I would die for him, and he said that he would kill for me. Or kill me. (I’m not quite sure exactly what he said; things had gotten a bit fuzzy at that stage.) We finally parted company, and I staggered off to bed.

I slept badly – Nkandla has noisy plumbing; and someone was relentlessly taking showers every half an hour, throughout the night…

I flew back to Pretoria – eager publish my exclusive story. But, as luck would have it, the fickle finger of fate had struck again.

When I switched on my little Sony ICDX-2 digital voice recorder, I only heard a faint hissing sound coming from the bloody thing – Zuma’s sophisticated electronic security shield at Nkandla, had erased my recording of the interview. Big disappointment!

Then I remembered JZ telling me to give him a call. So I did.

“Hi, JZ, how’re things, bru?” I asked. “I want to ask a favour. My recording has gone blank; could you repeat some of what said at our interview?”

“By all means,” he said. “As I told you during our interview, I’ve done nothing wrong. Even if they look underneath a tree or a rock they won’t find anything against me. I’m not guilty. Ask Mac. Besides, it’s April Fool’s Day. No one is going to believe your story anyway.”

“By the way,” he continued, “I’m having a big party at Nkandla after the elections, and you’re welcome to join us.”

And he hung up.

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

 

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
27 comments
Comments have been closed for this article.

Read more from our Users

Submitted by
ohomen171
Here comes Trumpcare

People buying health insurance are enraged over high premiums and high deductibles. Trumpcare will move to address this.  Read more...

0 comments 533 views
Submitted by
Wena Funane
Tired of people like Dean Hutton

I took a hard and long look at it and I fail see anything that resembles art, all I see is a person with a jump suit covered with racist slurs most likely struggling with identity and obesity problems. Read more...

0 comments 316 views
Submitted by
PeterTracey
Dear white people

It took me a very long time to write directly to you as I’m doing now, I wanted to make sure that I was not being too harsh nor too lenient on you, just as fair and as just as I’ve expected from you all my life. Read more...

0 comments 931 views
Submitted by
ohomen171
The very sick patients in the US

I honestly believe that we will see Trumpcare charge this tiny and expensive minority very high insurance premiums that they can’t pay or push them back onto the states.  Read more...

0 comments 153 views
Submitted by
MikeHampton
Silly Red Sale Shopping Season At...

A walk through your local shopping centre will probably find you experiencing the same VERY RED SALE advert attack I had in Knysna Mall. Read more...

0 comments 155 views
Submitted by
Marang Lesedi
No dispatch from Aleppo?

The ‘trusted’ news media that once painted our TV screens with harrowing images of Aleppo have seemingly moved elsewhere for stories more newsworthy. Read more...

0 comments 88 views
 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on Android Get the latest from News24 on your Android device.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

TV Get us in your home, on your television.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2017 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.




Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.