PLEASE NOTE:

MyNews24 is a user-generated section of News24.com. The stories here come from users.

 
Irukandji
 
Comments: 28
Article views: 3904
 
 
Latest Badges:



 
View all Irukandji's badges.
 

Zuma is leaving Nkandla!

01 April 2014, 05:30

In what must surely be the scoop of the century, President Jacob Zuma has granted me an exclusive interview in his palace at Nkandla.

It all happened as in a fairy tale.

Sakkie hurriedly came up to me, stuffed an airplane ticket in my hand, and brusquely said: “Number 1 is waiting.” He walked away in a sulk (because he had to stay at home). I packed a few things and rushed off to Jan Smuts Airport.

(After implementing a policy of not renaming airports after politicians, the corrupt ANC Government renamed the airport after Oliver Tambo. I do not recognise this name – so stuff them. I shall go to my funeral pyre with Jan Smuts (PBUH) on my lips.)

So, to cut a long tottie short, finally – there we were – Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma and I, sipping 50-year-old Glenfiddich single malt whisky with Umqombothi chasers, and gazing over the green, lush, Nkandla palace grounds, in Natal.

“Mister President, why me? Why did you decide to grant me this interview?” I asked.

“Two things,” he said. “One, the name Irukandji has a nice, Zulu-sounding ring to it. Two, you are well known for your honesty.”

“That is so true. Thank you, sir. May I record this interview for posterity?”

“Sure, my friend. Mi casa es su casa, or as they say in Zulu: Indlu yami uba indlu yakho – my wives and goats are your wives and goats.”

I switched on my little Sony ICDX-2 digital voice recorder and sat back.

He began:

“Scrupulously Honest Irukandji, Honourable Speeka of the National Assembly, Chairpessin of the National Council of Proveences; Deputy Speeka of the National Assembly and Deputy Chairpessin of the NCOP; Deputy President of the Republic, Honourable Kgalema Motlanthe; Former Deputy President Baleka Mbethe, Honourable Chief Justice of the Republic, and all esteemed membas of the Judiciary; Honourable Meeneesters and Deputy Meeneesters, Distinguished Premiers and Speekas of our Proveences; Chairpessin of SALGA, and all local government leedaship; Chairpessin of the National House of Traditional Leedas; Hets of Chaptah 9 Institutions; The Goviena of the Reserve Bank, Leedas from Beesness, Spots, Traditional, Religious and all Sectas, Membas of the deeplomatic corps, Special and distinguished guests, Honourable membas, Fellow South African pee pull, Good evening, sanibonani, molweni, dumelang, riperile, ndimadekwana, goeienaand.

South Africa, tonight you are looking at a man who is full of remorse and ashamed.”

(I looked down, and sure enough, the remorseness was running down both legs of his Armani suit. I couldn’t see any ashamedness because his zip was up. But that is not important right now.)

“I have come to realize that I am an embarrassment to the pee pull. And to South Africa as a hole. I am the worst leeda this country has ever had. Even worse than Malema. I am full of sorryness.”

(I looked down at his trousers again, but couldn’t see any sorryness there.)

“Firstly, I have to confess: my Umthondo is not nearly as big as in that painting: The Spear, by Brett Murray. I paid him to make it look much bigger.

Be that as it may.

Investigations have been done and they found nothing against me. This is because the investigators work for me, and I instructed them not to find anything against me. I’m as guilty as sin and I’m going to make amends. Here’s what I’m going to do:

Tomorrow, I’m going to step down as president. Then I’m going to give away all the wives, children, cows, goats, and chickens, mistresses, bodyguards, and concubines (in that order), that are running around the Nkandla palace.

Nkandla shall be turned into a care and support centre for abused women and children.

Then I am going to pay back every cent of the R246 million that I have stolen from the taxpayers of this country.

I confess: I am guilty of all the charges of fraud and corruption that were brought against me. But it’s not 738, it is actually 740 – they’ve miscounted a couple.

Next, I am going to charge those skelms, the Guptas, and fine them R100 billion for their shenanigans. Then I’m going to kick their ingquzas out of this country forever.

Shaik is going back to prison. Together with Selebi, Cele, McBride, and every other corrupt ANC politician in government – in other weds: all of them. They will spend the rest of their miserable lives rotting in jail.

Once again, comrades, I am sorry. The devil made me do it. Please forgive me.

Nkosi Sukkel met Africa. Boohoo! Sob, sob! 

I thank you.”

He broke down in tears.

I couldn’t help feeling sorry for the man. I didn’t Boo out of politeness.

Before I left, we spent a pleasant evening sitting around the fire pool – spit braaiing a couple of bovine carcasses – while some of his wives, goats, mistresses, bodyguards, chickens, and concubines, were dancing topless around the fire to the latest hit song, Nkandla Style.

Later Zuma fetched his guitar. He sang “Mshini wami,” and I sang “Hotel California.” We talked about the good old days of apartheid. He called me “Baas Iru,” and I called him “Boy.” The Glenfiddich and Umqombothi kicked in; dronkverdriet overcame upon us, and we had a good old cry on one another’s shoulders. I said I would die for him, and he said that he would kill for me. Or kill me. (I’m not quite sure exactly what he said; things had gotten a bit fuzzy at that stage.) We finally parted company, and I staggered off to bed.

I slept badly – Nkandla has noisy plumbing; and someone was relentlessly taking showers every half an hour, throughout the night…

I flew back to Pretoria – eager publish my exclusive story. But, as luck would have it, the fickle finger of fate had struck again.

When I switched on my little Sony ICDX-2 digital voice recorder, I only heard a faint hissing sound coming from the bloody thing – Zuma’s sophisticated electronic security shield at Nkandla, had erased my recording of the interview. Big disappointment!

Then I remembered JZ telling me to give him a call. So I did.

“Hi, JZ, how’re things, bru?” I asked. “I want to ask a favour. My recording has gone blank; could you repeat some of what said at our interview?”

“By all means,” he said. “As I told you during our interview, I’ve done nothing wrong. Even if they look underneath a tree or a rock they won’t find anything against me. I’m not guilty. Ask Mac. Besides, it’s April Fool’s Day. No one is going to believe your story anyway.”

“By the way,” he continued, “I’m having a big party at Nkandla after the elections, and you’re welcome to join us.”

And he hung up.

Disclaimer: All articles and letters published on MyNews24 have been independently written by members of News24's community. The views of users published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors also reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.
 

Read News24’s Comments Policy

24.com publishes all comments posted on articles provided that they adhere to our Comments Policy. Should you wish to report a comment for editorial review, please do so by clicking the 'Report Comment' button to the right of each comment.

Comment on this story
28 comments
Add your comment
Comment 0 characters remaining

Read more from our Users

Journalists in the firing line

Western media has abandoned the integrity that journalists once stood for. Western media is no longer based on truthful , accurate, honest and fair reporting.  Read more...

7 comments 222 views
Submitted by
Lisa MacDonald
Why women cheat

Males and females are wired differently. After all, didn’t we learn 20 plus years ago that men are from Mars and women are from Venus? Read more...

37 comments 5756 views
Let's talk about xenophobia

As a concern SA citizen, one day I sat down and thought of how we treating foreigners in our country. Read more...

16 comments 307 views
Submitted by
Arthur Harding
Crime is not going away

I hate to break it to you but no matter how many times we agree on the matter it’s not going to change a damn thing. Read more...

16 comments 335 views
Submitted by
Sarah Firmin
I want a pet hippopotamus

Just the idea of having a pet hippo fills me with emotions from my distant home. Read more...

14 comments 362 views
Submitted by
Warren Holman
Open letter to Mr Zuma Part two

Mr President, I have not received and answer regarding the first part of my letter..... maybe you don't read News 24, or your data bundle on your 3G card is used up. Read more...

5 comments 990 views

Jobs in Cape Town [change area]

Property [change area]

Travel - Look, Book, Go!

Magical Massinga

Spend 5 nights at the gorgeous Massinga Beach Lodge in Mozambique and only pay for 4 from R13 220 per person sharing. Includes return flights, accommodation, transfers and romantic turndown. Book now!

Kalahari.com - shop online today

2 TV Series for R250

Get 2 TV Series box sets for R250 and save up to R148! Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Pre-order the Xbox One

Get this all-in-one entertainment system with live TV, movies, social networking and gaming. Pre-order now!

Up to 50% off hair care products!

Save up to 50% on professional hair care products at kalahari.com. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

30% off academic books

Score a mind blowing 30% off academic books! Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

Mind blowing deals on electronics!

Save up to 35% on electronics. Offer valid while stocks last. Shop now!

OLX Free Classifieds [change area]

Samsung Galaxy s4

Mobile, Cell Phones in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 24

Best bargain in big bay

Real Estate, Houses - Apartments for Sale in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

VW Golf 6, 1.6 Trendline (Excellent condition)

Vehicles, Cars in South Africa, Western Cape, Cape Town. Date October 25

 

services

E-mail Alerts The latest headlines in your inbox

RSS feeds News delivered really simply.

Mobile News24 on your mobile or PDA

E-mail Newsletters You choose what you want

News24 on your iPhone Get News24 headlines on your iPhone.

SMS Alerts Get breaking news stories via SMS.

Blogs Your opinion on you, me and everyone.

Calais Website keywords automated by OpenCalais.

 
Interactive Advertising Bureau
 
© 2014 24.com. All rights reserved.
There are new stories on the homepage. Click here to see them.
 
English
Afrikaans
isiZulu

Hello 

Create Profile

Creating your profile will enable you to submit photos and stories to get published on News24.


Please provide a username for your profile page:

This username must be unique, cannot be edited and will be used in the URL to your profile page across the entire 24.com network.

Settings

Location Settings

News24 allows you to edit the display of certain components based on a location. If you wish to personalise the page based on your preferences, please select a location for each component and click "Submit" in order for the changes to take affect.








Facebook Sign-In

Hi News addict,

Join the News24 Community to be involved in breaking the news.

Log in with Facebook to comment and personalise news, weather and listings.