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Zuma-naut or Malema-naut?

19 December 2012, 23:10

Zuma-naut or Malema-naut?

Have you undergone the special training required to travel far from the everyday reality of planet earth? The preparation is fairly extensive and begins early in life with a rigorous program including many aspects of fitness conditioning; obedience training and mass drill work; resourcefulness and tough mental habituation.

All of this preparation is required in order to prepare the trainee to one day travel as a Zuma-naut, and for the best achievers, possibly even as a Malema-naut, into worlds of fantasy. They are truly wonderful worlds, in no way connected to reality.

Why would I want to become a “naut”?

There are few higher callings in life that to become a naut. The Russians and Americans were involved in that monumental contest in the 1960’s called the space race. A select few citizens from those lands underwent training to eventually become a cosmonaut or astronaut respectively, depending on which country they were from. These people achieved wild and enduring popularity.

Who can be a naut in South Africa?

The South African government has far exceeded the achievements of the Russians or Americans in terms of providing opportunities to train and travel as a naut. A brief summary of the training is provided below – please note that this course is offered full time and will be most suitable for those who have no job and do not aspire to one either:

Fitness conditioning: candidates must undergo a brutal selection process that will involve dancing (the trainers will refer to this as toyi-toyiing) for endless hours on hot, tarred roads, through city centres and to various, random buildings chosen by the trainers. This is a basic selection process and candidates eager to progress to become a Malema-naut must appear at the front of the dances and marches, carrying banners, sticks and a determined countenance. Additional credit is given to those with the energy to destroy the property of other en route.

The training requirements

Obedience training: candidates undergoing fitness conditioning will often be required to turn up in vast numbers for marching and dancing, without any clear indication of the purpose thereof. In the extreme training to become the most specialised naut, namely the Malema-naut, candidates may even be required to make their way on foot to other cities while the leaders support and provide continual performance evaluation from an air-conditioned vehicle lingering tantalisingly ahead of the trainees.

Resourcefulness development: The trainees are rarely provided sustenance during fitness or obedience training and it is expected that they purchase, forage and pillage what they can, en route. Additional resourcefulness is also required for the lifestyle training below – the better candidates will complete their entire training and the specialised Malema-naut, even their entire life, with no source of income and will be entirely dependent on their own resourcefulness through whatever means necessary.

Lifestyle training and mental habituation: Any candidate intending to become a simple Zuma-naut or advanced Malema-naut will need to learn to live in the most basic of circumstances, with limited access to food, education, housing and sanitation. Candidates with comfortable lifestyles are not suitable, as experience demonstrates a lack of blind commitment and an unhealthy willingness to be lured back to reality.

The Zuma-naut

Once qualified, this fantasy traveller will be able to travel at a whim to a world where the physical demands are lower than the advanced Malema-naut. Although their resourcefulness will be tested on occasion, particularly when required to set fire to their own neighbourhood schools and libraries without the use of petrol bombs, they can generally expect to simply sit on a mountain near their former place of work and complain.

This traveller must occasionally stand in a voting queue and put their mark next to “ANC”. This is mandatory mental habituation and must be done without so much as a contrary thought or question.

The rewards in this fantasy world are wonderful. Qualified candidates generally do not need to work and if they do work, they will not be taxed. Yet, they can expect to enjoy many of the benefits of those who work 14 hour days and weekends.

They will have access to free housing, electricity and water, healthcare and free education (the education is entirely voluntary and not compulsory). Those candidates who choose to sit on mountain tops or occasionally attempt to mingle on marches for fitness training with the Malema-nauts, need not attend school, university or work without fear of punishment.

Tough decisions do not need to made, tough questions do not need to be asked and answered and by studiously doing absolutely nothing constructive and with carefully applied doses of false hope, the status quo will continue. Singular focus on their own affairs will stimulate their myopia to the degree that they cannot perceive any ill and the economy is most definitely not collapsing around them.

Pour another big glass of false promises. Grin, dance and enjoy!

The Malema-naut

Regular, fruitless marches are required and only the fittest candidates will be accepted. They are welcome into a far more active fantasy world than the regular Zuma-nauts. In their world, you should expect to never work a day in your life and yet, you will a lifestyle comparative with the best in the world. Vast sums of money will appear in your bank account and, while some might call you to task for this, nothing of substance will ever happen about it.

Your world will be stuffed to the brim with Western luxury brands, while your fellow fantasy travellers constantly bemoan everything Western. It is a world absent of responsibility, accountability, morality, ethics, standards, competencies, education, application, employment and yet where one can enjoy all the fruits of the labour of others.

A laissez-faire attitude will not work in this world – the advanced Malema-naut will be expected to regularly spew forth ill-considered garbage and hatred. An endless litany of nonsense must pour into this world because all those luxuries must be sustained somehow. This is a world of wonder where economic policies that work nowhere else in the real world and which have been slated by all except the most elite, the Mugabe-nauts, are guaranteed to succeed.

Be angry, be criminal, but be rich!

The apathy-naut

This last traveller requires no training whatsoever and is generally sourced from citizens without dire need for the basic amenities in life. They often already have access to sufficient food, healthcare, accommodation and are already employed.

They are qualified to travel to a world where they can continue with their lives as they always have, where it is completely unnecessary for them to associate with the Zuma-nauts and Malema-nauts in the queues at voting stations and where quite astonishingly, with sheer apathy and no input on their part, their lifestyle will continue and will be protected on their behalf by those daft people who vote. The prevailing view in this fantasy is: why should I bother to vote, one vote won’t make a difference.

What a wonderful world filled with nauts…

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