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Zuma took my Mayo

29 November 2012, 21:34

Hellman’s Mayonnaise is no more.  That is, in South Africa at least.  My favourite mayo, an integral part of my culinary repertoire for as long as I have been able to spell “repertoire”, is no longer available in South Africa.

And why?  Not because Hellman’s made a monumental error in judgment ten years ago by relocating all their manufacturing to Greece.  Not because the new Chinese middle class has bought up all their stock.  Not because Zuma has stockpiled every single bottle in South Africa to fill the shelf space in his new bunker.  No, it is no longer available on the shelves of our supermarkets because of our stupid new food labelling laws.

Apparently the label on the Hellman’s mayo bottles do not meet the new, strict, requirements imposed by Zuma’s henchmen (and women, let’s not discriminate here) during a session in Parliament where, to our collective detriment, enough overpaid fat cats turned up to make up a quorum.

It seems that the Nannies who rule our dysfunctional society were concerned about our health.  Instead of doing something sensible about our obesity problem, they have laid the blame for our rotundness at the door of the food manufacturers. 

According to our BMW driving supreme rulers, it is Mr Hellman’s problem that we stuff our faces with upsized meals. 

As a result, every food item sold in South Africa now has to carry labelling that complies with legislation that prescribes in absurd detail (down to minimum letter size no less) what we have to be told about the stuff we eat. 

Since the Hellman’s mayonnaise bottles do not meet these requirements, our supermarkets are not allowed to stock it.

Now, I am a seventies baby.  I survived red viennas, Sudan Red in my Nesquick, lead in my toys, limpet mines, several “Noodtoestande”, PW Botha’s wagging finger, the army, Bles Bridges and Saturday evenings’ Boereorkes competitions on TV. 

I do not need protection from whatever hidden dangers may lurk in a bottle of mayonnaise.  I am doing all right on my own – so far.

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot.  This is madness.  Enough already with the rules!  I want my mayo back!

Where is the Council of Churches when you really need them?  I wish they would leave Lady Gaga alone and, instead, pick up the fight to bring Hellman’s mayonnaise back! 

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