Service with an e-smile

2008-11-14 09:42

Alistair Fairweather

Developing websites is a mug's game. Computers are fickle enough already - we've all had some pimply egghead tell us the computer or software package we just bought last year is hopelessly out of date. What the Net does is connects this entire motley, billion-strong herd together and then expects them all to behave in the same way.

And of course they never do. The biggest culprit here is the browsers - the programs that act like the TV sets of the internet, displaying the sites to you and letting you interact with them. There are dozens of them out there - hundreds if you count all the older versions. And while there are, in theory, standards that all these browsers obey, they all have maddeningly different interpretations of these standards.

This makes building websites a bit like oil wrestling with a werewolf - the damn thing keeps changing shape and there's always the chance it could all go horribly wrong. At best most sites can only hope to support recent versions of the major players, like Internet Explorer, Firefox, Opera and Safari. Some sites, like our dear old Independent Electoral Commission, don't even care to do that and proudly proclaim: "Get Internet Explorer or voetsek" (I'm paraphrasing of course).

All this makes customer support on the internet an interesting challenge. Not only could literally thousands of things be the problem - everything from their faulty modem to the new ad-blocking toolbar their nephew just installed without telling them - most people just don't have the technical knowledge to properly describe what's wrong. It's like a mechanic trying to talk a stranded fashion designer through changing the spark plugs in her brand new BMW X5 via SMS.

To make matters worse, the internet has a kind of magical, all knowing aura for many people (I blame Google). They expect that you can literally see what's going on right on their computer and, indeed, inside their heads. This leads to some absolutely priceless requests.

"Dear Sirs - I have lost both my username and my password, please can you help me!!!"

Umm. Ok. We can look you up using your real name. You didn't fill that in? You thought it was too dangerous? What about city and date of birth? Surprisingly, madam, we have a remarkable number of people from Bloemfontein born on January 1, 1900 - as those are the first options in our sign-up form. No, no, madam please, I'm not trying to be unreasonable. Ok, here is my manager's email address.

Genuine gripes?

"I am very angry!!! My boss has read what I wrote about him on my blog and now I am in trouble."

We're terribly sorry about your difficulty sir, but you must understand that we can't take responsibility for what you wrote on your own blog. No, no, I'm afraid password protecting blogs from readers would entirely defeat the point of the medium. No, sir, I'm afraid I can't put you through to the CEO.

"To whom it may concern: I have deleted my blog from your site but I see that it still appears in Yahoo's search results. Please remove it or I will sue you for copyright infringement."

Apologies sir, but we have no influence on Yahoo's results. I'm sure they will be updated in due course. No, sir, I suggest you contact Yahoo directly - we do not have access to their servers. Very well sir, the number for our attorneys is?

But while those kinds of requests may be amusing, the vast majority come from people with genuine gripes, struggling with an unfamiliar and ridiculously complex new medium. Most customers don't understand (or care about) the differences between browsers or operating systems - and nor should they have to.

The internet has come so far in the last 15 odd years that it's easy to forget how far it still has to go. Despite the breakneck rush to innovate, solid standards are slowly but surely developing. We will eventually reach a point where browsing the net will be as simple and reliable as turning on the TV.

Until then I'm going to have to keep sending my customer support team to the spa twice a year.

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