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'It's a jungle out there'
25/08/2008 11:23  - (SA)  

Want to know more?
Answerit can help.

Chris Moerdyk

I have this cunning marketing solution to the problem of road rage. It involves doing what marketers do best and that is to completely ignore reality and work on perception.

The first step is to accept that South Africa is not a first world traffic environment of well behaved drivers kept in check by rigidly enforced rules and regulations. It is third world motoring mayhem at its worst. Not quite as chaotic as Cairo but getting there fast.

A situation where rules are there to be broken and the big trick is simply not to get caught.

A country in which economic considerations outweigh road death statistics.

Now, this doesn't mean to say that I am going to start breaking the rules whenever I can. I am simply not going to accept that the rules of the road are things that are imposed upon me, but rather instruments I can use to keep myself from being wiped out by other road users. Because, when you think of it, a lot of road rage is caused by powerlessly watching other drivers blatantly breaking the rules.

Secondly - and this is the nub of my really cunning plan - every time I get into my car I am going to imagine that I am in the Kruger National Park.

Herd mentality

I am going to drive at a pace sedate enough not to run over or have my paintwork damaged by all those crazy guinea fowl that always seem to wait for an oncoming vehicle before scurrying across the road. Like all those pedestrians who dice with death on a daily basis trying to run across motorways.

To me, there are no buses. Only elephants. No big trucks. Only Rhinos.

No combi taxis. Only herds and herds of impala, mindlessly springing hither then thither and rushing about desperately looking for somewhere to commit suicide.

There will be no more idiots hogging the fast lane at two miles a fortnight. Only the odd warthog trotting along in the same direction as I am, oblivious to all but its own strange little world.

There will be no more cyclists riding five abreast. Only waterbuck with circular white saddle marks on their bums. No more delivery motorbikes. Only wild dogs with their strange but fascinating penchant for snapping at car tyres.

I've been trying it for a while now and it works a treat. I just go into bush driving mode.

I feel as if I am on my way back to "camp" after a day of animal spotting and bird watching and all I want is a cool shower and a whacking great whisky.

In the kind of mood where I couldn't care less if I never saw another rhino with or without its prehensile lip, nor if I ever spotted another wailing cisticola as long as I lived. I've been in that kind of mood when I've come up behind the umpteenth herd of elephant standing in the middle of the road.

Compromise

I don't lean out of the window and yell; "what are you waiting for, you bunch of morons? Do you think you own the @#*& road or something?" and then start thumping the steering wheel with such passion I can't hold a golf club for a week.

No, I simply assume that elephants don't have the foggiest notion about the concept of motorised road transport. My lack of road rage in this case has nothing to do with the fact that when you abuse an elephant it tends to stomp on you because that's what buses and trucks do as well. But, somehow, it hasn't prevented me in the past from letting rip with a string of ripe invective in their direction.

Now, this might all look like giving up and lowering my standards. I don't believe so. It is simply a compromise in a country where the road traffic authorities harp on endlessly with "Don't fool yourself, speed kills" and completely ignore the fact that unlicensed and untrained drivers, unroadworthy vehicles, bald tyres, incorrect following distance, overtaking in the face of oncoming traffic and a million other things also kill people on the roads.

Fact is, it is quite literally a jungle out there.

Send your comments to Chris.

Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24. News24 editors reserve the right to edit or delete any and all comments received.

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  So it is
25/08/2008 11:36
I agree... i hate driving, weaving, dodging, it's way too stressful. so now i take a taxi to work lol, put my stress in someone elses hands. - TS
 
  blame the cops
25/08/2008 11:56
This morning I once again wondered why the hell I am still a law-abiding citizen.While trying to change lanes the car behind me overtook on the solid line,the fully-loaded,unmarked police vehicle came charging past with it's emergency flashers on,the taxi next to me almost knocked over a motorcyclist while almost pushing the car in front of me off the road and the metro police were blissfully unaware, chatting away with their backs toward the traffic. - lawless
 
  NOPE
25/08/2008 11:57
You can come up with all the marketing ?solutions? you like, the fact is that nothing will change the mentality of a S.African driver. They are by far the WORST drivers one can get. My mates from Aus came out recently and told me they?ve never experienced such pathetic drivers. I have to watch for every driver out there, so please LEARN TO DRIVE OR DON?T DRIVE AT ALL!!! - proudly unpatriotic
 
  Herd mentality
25/08/2008 11:58
Very refreshing take on our road problems - better than being killed by a baseball bat -alias gored by an impala horn - rosemary
 
  A better solution
25/08/2008 11:59
A better alternative is simply taking a Defensive Driving Course. (Lots of info on google.) I have been driving for some 24 years now, never been in any kind of accident, and on several occasions my hide was saved due to being aware of what is happening not only in front of me, but also to the left, right and behind...and being prepared for anything that may happen. Here are the words again: Defensive Driving Course. - Jaco Wium
 
  Good 1
25/08/2008 11:59
I find your article very funny. You have beaten Dave Moseley on this one. A winner. Interesting approach that you are using though. Keep it up! - Outlaw
 
  Hmm..
25/08/2008 12:01
I'm going to give this a try. Might lower my blood pressure a little.. - AJ
 
  Sressfull Traffic
25/08/2008 12:10
I am moving to PTA shotly.And to avoid the hectic trip between city to city I am going to take the business train everyday. Just the stress relief of not being in traffic makes it worth my while. I'll look at the traffic jams out the window and just smile as I go past. - Johan
 
  hehehe
25/08/2008 12:10
I noticed a new trend. Everyone is saving fuel by driving slower. Only one problem: They do it in the fast lane. - anon
 
  hehe
25/08/2008 12:17
Very funny article, Chris. Try driving in a taxi in Jamaica. Scary stuff! - Zee
 
  METRO POLICE
25/08/2008 12:21
All the mayhem started when other road users saw that the Taxis can get away with Anything and Everything. Mr Minaar of METRO POLICE if you want to stop the mayhem on the roads let the public see that you are dealing with the Taxi menace and then we will respect YOU and the LAW. With no respect for YOU or the Metro Police who almost always solicit bribes DO YOU REALLY THINK WE WILL OBEY THE LAWS??? PS lowering the alcohol limit for driving is futile. BAN DRINKING AND RIVING OUTRIGHT. LOOK AT UK. - bob
 
  driving in the jungle
25/08/2008 12:22
Brilliant! I hope more than me are going to implement your plan. - taurus
 
  Road rage
25/08/2008 12:26
If you look at the breaking of lawson the road,look at taxi drivers,running red robots,turning in a no turn lane,not using their indicators,etc etc,I know other drivers do it too,but taxi drivers are the majority,take them off hthe road and the problem of road rage will be solved - proud to be white
 
  Me 2
25/08/2008 12:29
Good read. I have decided I shall do the same. Bush mode it will be. - Fee
 
  IIs it just me...
25/08/2008 13:24
or is there something faintly David Bullard-ish about this column? A great read, none the less.....will definitely try it. - jonathan
 
  Culling
25/08/2008 13:25
Even in the Kruger Park they eventually have to take some of the animals out back and shoot them - Gavin
 
  The Jungle
25/08/2008 13:26
I don't think anything will help me while driving to and from work. Like Chris, I see people breaking rules left, right and centre and I am sure I am not going to last another 5 years - far too much stress! One thing I would like to know. The new points systems they want to introduce. Who is going to police this? Surely not the traffic cops?? They are never anywhere around while people happily break laws and almost wipe out people while doing it! So how will it work? - Dee
 
  Great article!
25/08/2008 13:27
Thankfully I no longer live in Gauteng. Driving in the Cape is a pleasure - as long as you don't go too far north on the N1. Amazing how the Capies (me included) seem to hate Gauteng drivers when they're here on holiday, and with good reason. (Notice the 209 road accidents in Gauteng article posted just this morning!) - Joe Soap
 
  Stress Free
25/08/2008 13:28
I used to use my car to get to work and back and it used to stress me out, and the stress was not from getting irritated by taxi's or busses etc. but from having to constantly keep a look out in every direction so as to avoid an accident. I now take the bus to work and back, granted there is a 5 minute walk involved but when I am travelling I have no stress just sit in the bus and cruise, stress free!! - Justin
 
  I agree with Defensive Driving Course, cause not
25/08/2008 13:29
only will this minimise insurance premium it will pre-long your life from all the causes resulting from road range, Chris I will also take it in my stride the Elephants and what nots on the road, that was hillarious:-) but honestly the government shld do more to curb this horrible situation. Thats amongst other reasons they have lost my vote some 8yrs ago! So many accidents would have been prevented if officials were doing what they are being paid to do by the tax payers! - Vicky
 
  Herd mentality and the hunter
25/08/2008 13:37
Well if we're going to envisage all the drivers out there as animals out in the wild... I'm going to start up a business where i offer hunting safaris. Tour starts any weekday at 6am - 8:30am and again from 4:30pm to 7pm. There'll be different charges depending on the route taken (and a little extra on the top if there's a traffic obstruction up ahead - accident/ road works etc)... - Pensive
 
  reality thinking! ! !
25/08/2008 13:39
Most people seems not to understand what causes ragely rivalries on our roads mostly taxi drivers,to drivers pls ignore them @ all and comming to white female drivers e.g you cannot in an millions years come from the off ramp and attempt to go to a fast lane where cars a running at an high speed of over 220km/h while on 80km/h try atleast accelerate a little bit and join the lane to heaven!heard . - Silo's
 
  @Bob
25/08/2008 13:49
Is it you that wanted to kill the bikers as well? The 'I will not abide by the LAW until other people do'? With the 9mm? Big man with big words. Don't you understand it's the lack of responsibility that kills people's dads,mom,children,brother,sisters etc? - Rhapelang
 
  Driving me crazy
25/08/2008 13:55
Not only a jungle but a farmyard as well (cows, goats & sheep)on our national roads. Not known as the 'rat race' for nothing. - Trish
 
  Watch the baboons!
25/08/2008 13:59
In concept, been doing this for a while. However when you grind to halt to watch the elephants lookout for the baboons that may have designs on your vehicle, contents and/or passengers. - Crispy
 
  there's nothing to understand about why "some"
25/08/2008 14:01
road users behave as if road rules do not apply to them (taxi drivers incl), once our gov can grow some balls and backbone and implement laws of the country rather than appeasing law breakers (criminals), they SHOULD never forget WHO and most importantly WHY they were put into power. At the moment they are abusing that priviledge and are not worthy of a vote of any self respecting law abiding tax payer. - Vicky
 
  Jungle out there
25/08/2008 14:05
And the hunters are police, hunting the harmless and not going for lions!!! The last paragraph is spot-on, poor vision indeed from the traffic department, they are wearing blinkers!!! - mb
 
  SA drivers the worst!
25/08/2008 14:30
You don't realise just how bad SA's drivers are until you live in a 1st world country.Been in Scotland for a year now and am still amazed at how polite and friendly drivers are here, sure there is the odd idiot out there but in SA it's mostly idiots on the road with the odd good driver - David
 
  Road Rage
25/08/2008 14:31
I too thought this was a very(, very) subtle commentary similar to an article that got someone else in deep trouble a while back. But agree completely that watching taxis jump red robots (I could literally kill this kind of arrogance and selfishness), drive in emergency lanes, and generally do whatever they like, is the biggest problem on SA roads. - ramone
 
  @ johnathan
25/08/2008 14:49
i was thinking the exact same thing! Chris! watch out you don't get fired lad! - adrian ma sing
 
  Brilliant
25/08/2008 15:13
Great idea. In a third world driving environment it's good to accept the fact that there is no such thing as traffic rules, it's more like 'guidelines"; and if you can accept the fact that you share the road with mindless animals you can learn to accept the guidelines... Thanks for the inspiring thought! - Wambolander
 
  Taxis?
25/08/2008 15:32
Guys forget about taxi's. in Cape town busses are far far worse... they know you have to give way and this is how they operate. with a taxi you can still afford not too budge. but bus drivers, believe me, far worse! - TS
 
  taxi drivers
25/08/2008 15:42
i sometimes feel like taxi drivers were given birth to by one devilish mother. - bee
 
     
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