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Chris Moerdyk

Airports' greatest mysteries

2008-09-15 11:10

Chris Moerdyk

Trying to understand how the travel industry operates is a fruitless pursuit at the best of times and when it comes to airports and airlines the only reward I get for trying to fathom how they work is a blinding headache.

For instance:

  • How is the "brace" position going to help you when you fly into a mountainside at 800km/h?

  • Why do we need instructions on how to use a lifebelt when flying between Johannesburg and Kimberley when the only water we fly over is in a swimming pools in Benoni?

    Seriously though...

  • Why do our domestic airlines and those flying out of South Africa seem to hate giving anyone a pre-booked seat? (All the major airlines in the USA allow you to choose a seat when you book the ticket. What do they know that our people don't?)

  • Why do travel agents never ever offer to pre-book an airline seat for you? Maybe the desperate, suicidal look on their faces when you ask is a clue to the answer.

  • Why does 1time, for example, only allow people who DON'T have baggage to check in, to pre-book their seats in advance online while all those poor sods who have to take a suitcase with them have to wait and take their chances on a decent seat when they physically check-in at the airport?

  • Why is it that those airlines that allow you to check in and choose a seat no earlier than 24 hours before departure, have no decent seats available when you try and check in online exactly 24 hours to the second before your departure time? How come every other passenger but you managed to pre-book a seat without having to wait until 24 hours before the time?

  • Why are our airports designed with precious few lifts and masses of escalators on which you are not allowed to push luggage trolleys?

  • How come everyone else seems to get the upgrades?

  • Why it it that when you check in as a family, airlines seem to take a perverse pleasure in putting everyone in seats miles apart.

  • Why is it that two suitcases checked in together come out onto the baggage carousel so far apart?

  • Why is my suitcase always the last to come out?

  • Who was the bright spark at SAA who insisted that cabin crew on international flights should wait until passengers have finally got to sleep and then wake them up to ask if they want anything from duty free?

  • Why do airlines always book really fat people into the middle seat?

  • Why is the size of every fold-town table in economy class almost exactly 25% smaller than the combined size of the food tray, a serviette and a glass?

  • Why is it that person next you always gets to have sole use of the armrest?

  • Why does the person in front of you always get to sit next to someone charming while you always get the guy who is overweight, burps a lot an had too much garlic for lunch?

  • Why is it that it takes the cabin crew 15 minutes to deliver food trays to the entire economy class and it takes you ten minutes to eat it, then it takes them about an hour before they come and clear it away?

  • Why is it that there are 50 check-in desks at an airport but only one pre-check-in security point?

  • Why it is that at most airports, seven years after 9/11 and all that increased security, they still haven't been able to organise themselves to do away with those long, long, queues at security checkpoints.

  • Why is it that most airports just can't seem to get the check-in process refined to the point where it isn't complete chaos at peak times? How many decades do they need to practice?

  • Why is it that whenever you are in a hurry the aircraft always lands on the most remote runway and then parks in the most remote parking place with the result that you have to use a bus to get to the terminal?

  • Why is it that when you are waiting to collect a passenger from domestic or international arrivals, airports are all absolutely paranoid about the possibility of you being able to see them in the baggage collection hall? They paint over glass doors and put all sorts of barricades in to make sure you can't see any arriving passenger. It all seems so damn childish.

  • Why is it that wherever you want to go in an airport it always means walking from one side to the other or going from the lowest floor to the highest? Is it because people who design airports are inherently nasty and cruel?

  • Why is airport parking the most expensive in the world?

  • Why it is that in spite of airports companies building more and more and more parking garages, there are still never enough parking spaces?

    Why is it that when you are late, there are NEVER any parking places at airports?

    Why is it that travelling by air just isn't fun anymore?

    I am sure there are dozens of other great mysteries of airports and airlines and I'd love to hear about them. I had thought of writing a book but I think it would be too heavy to carry.

    Send your comments to Chris.

    Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.

    - News24

    • Comments have been closed for this article.

    Zola 9/15/2008 11:38:52 AM
    indeed... Have often thought about some of these:) And again, WHY???
    zee 9/15/2008 11:48:11 AM
    Chris, why do you fly SAA anyway? Are you mad? I was lucky enough to work for a company who payed and booked my flights, so I was fortunate to get on British Airways and Air France. Good service and yummy food, even for plane food.
    Michelle 9/15/2008 11:52:28 AM
    Why do you always have to wait for over an hour after the flights have landed for passengers to arrive at the terminal? Add to that, the one time I decided to go later to avoid the endless wait, my husband's flight landed early and customs was super quick!
    Flyboy 9/15/2008 11:55:43 AM
    Hey Chris, buy the book "Air Babylon" by Imogen Edwards-Jones, it's hilarious and explains a lot. It also tells you why you shouldn't complain as much as you do, lest you become a target for cabin crew....
    leigh 9/15/2008 12:01:23 PM
    What a waste of an article, you clearly researched nothing, if you had you would have had all the answers to your pointless questions.
    Kev 9/15/2008 12:13:59 PM
    Let me guess, you spent the weekend messing around, realised you had to deliver an article today, and threw this together in 15 minutes? DO they actually pay you for this?
    Iceberg 9/15/2008 12:19:48 PM
    Chris, go by car next time, or use the train, bus, donkey cart or walk, swim, row accross the ocean. Then maybe you'll appreciate air travel again and stop bitching about it.
    Dave 9/15/2008 12:22:40 PM
    Why is it that flying to the US on any airline you're allowed 2 checked bags of 50lbs each but when flying anywhere else you're only allowed 1 bag of 20kgs? And why is it that on so many airlines nowadays you're allowed 18kgs of hand luggage? BA allows 21kg but SAA only allows 6kg?
    Frequent Flyer 9/15/2008 12:25:04 PM
    I agree with you?some more inequities that I have experienced are?. ? Why do domestic flights constantly change departure gates?..eventually passengers are running to and fro like a herd of stampeding wildebeest. ? Why do the buses race up to the plane on the apron and then keep you locked in for 15minutes (without oxygen) whilst some bored attendant counts how many stale muffins have been loaded for the breakfast snack? ? Why do the self check-in machines hardly ever work properly, you kno
    Martin 9/15/2008 12:27:43 PM
    Gees Lighten up chick, this is a humorous article, there is more than enough sourness in SA.
    Ria 9/15/2008 12:34:58 PM
    There is no space because of the passengers. Pplz are too lazy to book into the "long term" parking, they rather park inside and pay the R500 + when they return after a week.
    Carolyn 9/15/2008 12:40:22 PM
    And why do we have to pay ever increasing airport taxes for all this?
    Moeg 9/15/2008 12:41:42 PM
    Chris I agree. Just no more fun in flying. I am so tired of having my luggage sent all over the country since Bidwest has taken over. Do you know what it feels like when you board a boat in Durban when your luggage has been sent to Jhb from Cape Town. A 40 birthday I shall always remember with no clothes. British Airways to date has not responded to my complaint. The rudest Cabin Crew must be on South African airways dont ever ask them for anything.
    Odette 9/15/2008 12:42:19 PM
    Why is it that some readers think they can dictate what columnists are allowed to write? Why is it that some readers cannot recognise a CLEARLY tongue-in-cheek article? Why is it that some readers seem to take pleasure from complaining every time a columnist dares to be anything less than deadly serious?
    Why 9/15/2008 12:43:56 PM
    Why do you fly, rather use your car or mabee your car is a TATA of SPAKIE
    Shantih 9/15/2008 12:45:00 PM
    Why, if your ticket has already been paid by credit card, do you have to show said card at the last security point before you board the plane? What if somebody else bought you the ticket - happened to me, and the SAA security nearly didn't let me fly. Fortunately te person was still in the airport and managed to persuade the security cow to let me on the plane (via my cellular phone. my airtime) Gotta love SAA...
    Iceberg 9/15/2008 12:46:54 PM
    Why do you need to drag so much weight along?Went to the US on business for a week in June: My bag was 12 kg and cabin luggage 5kg (Including laptop). Learn to TRAVEL LIGHT. It reduces the CO2 emmissions needed to haul all that unnecessary crap people take along.
    JohannC 9/15/2008 12:48:51 PM
    The (failed) lighthearted approach aside, I think what Leigh (and Kev) tries to bring across is that Chris probably took less than 10 minues before going to sleep to write this drivel. He starts jokingly, moves to serious and somewhere along the way he runs out of ideas and starts to generalise jokingly again. 2/10 Chris. Try again.
    Chantelle 9/15/2008 12:50:45 PM
    Lighten up! This is funny! If you can't appreciate humor, then don't read the article... Loved it, Chris! Keep it up :-)
    JK 9/15/2008 12:56:14 PM
    Why has nobody thought of creating a smoking zone somewhere between where you get off the plane and where you collect your baggage in SA - after 9 hours in a plane, the least they can do is let you have one ciggie before you wait an hour for your baggage... And why can't SA airports have vending machines and some chairs in the baggage claim area so you don't die of thirst/faint while waiting an hour for your luggage...
    JohannC 9/15/2008 12:58:40 PM
    I love sarire, jokes and good journalism around that. I am an avid fan of David Moseley. It's not that we want to dictate content, but if reading drivel is your thing then please go ahead. This piece is frankly, painful to read.
    FRank 9/15/2008 1:06:47 PM
    Speaking on behalf of all overweight passengers - get a life - what must we do - fly cargo? Most local flights are less than 2 hours - you wont die!
    Nic the Greek 9/15/2008 1:08:03 PM
    The brace position was developed to minimise the risk of your head being torn off should the fuselag come apart. However, the urban legend is that the brace position allows for the quick breaking of the neck while retaining the dental records intact should the plane catch alight... Which is correct?
    Petra 9/15/2008 1:12:48 PM
    Why does my luggage get to go to Rio De Janeiro when I'm booked to go to Lagos? My bags are better travelled than I am.
    KoosS 9/15/2008 1:15:13 PM
    Why, when you are 3 minutes late at 5 o 'clock in the morning, are you thrown off the flight, but in a year of flying, SAA has boarded on time less than 25% of the time? Why did my colleague, arriving 10 minutes late, get boarded on the same flight? Why, when a flight is delayed by 5 hours, will you get 5 different reasons from 4 different people? Why is parking at Durban International short term around 4 times the price in Johannesburg International?
    Pete 9/15/2008 1:19:57 PM
    I think the airlines should charge you according to your "All-up" weight. ie - You and your luggage get on the scale when you check in. That would encourage people to lose weight, and for me personally, with 20kgs of luggage, my all up weight would be 79 kilos.
    KoosS 9/15/2008 1:21:40 PM
    Why, in business class on SAA, does the attendant say NO, when you ask for a glass of orange juice 10 minutes after you have boarded? (I KNOW he made a joke, it is just a *&^%*& stupid joke). Why, in the rest of the world can business class flyers save time by having their own queue, while in SAA you have to stand in their incredible queues? Is it just another example of putting people down that work a little harder than the rest? Is excellence a crime?
    liesl 9/15/2008 1:21:53 PM
    ugh! TMI! very interesting, though. lol
    Dean 9/15/2008 1:24:07 PM
    Nice to see people will never change. When there are only negative stories being published...people moan. When someone tries to brighten things up a bit with a light hearted article...people moan. Moaning for the sake of moaning. In response to the article, on the up side SAA has the 2nd best business class in the world. Not that I can afford it though. Our economy class is in the top 10. Its still nice to know.
    aj 9/15/2008 1:25:58 PM
    Leigh, you lost the plot. Chris is just asking the questions that we all ask ourselves time to time. Air Travel has become a pain and we are just "bums in seats" for airlines, despite what they say. If I was a flight attendent I would not last one month as some passengers are incredibly rude. Leigh, you obviously have all the time in the world so why dont you do the research and enlighten us, but please be funny....we need a laugh
    Cherene 9/15/2008 1:29:07 PM
    As a frequent flier, I hate the entire process from check in to exiting on the otherside. Air hostesses keep on forgetting my drink order and the in flight movies usually suck! And don't get me started on luggage weight restrictions! I had to turf three pairs of jeans and my towel just to lighten my luggage by 1kg so i didn't get fined. And yet you see tourists going through with ridiculous statues and curios!! WTF??? And that's not just SAA. I've flown Gulf, Air France, Lufthansa & Emirates.
    TOTTI 9/15/2008 1:32:13 PM
    I agree with you chris went to pick up my bru @ OR INTERNATIONAL arrivals had 2 wait for more than an hour after the plane had landed to see him coiming of htose corridors and last december i couldnt anyone to give me a lift to the aorport on my way to CPT so i parked my car @ OR TAMBO for 34hrs guess hw much i paid....as they say the rest is history
    Name 9/15/2008 1:33:08 PM
    Why is it that when someone weighing 60kg and someone weighing 120kg are both only allowed the same weight in baggage?
    Terry Newman 9/15/2008 1:37:39 PM
    Forget the whingeing & whineing from the aforesaid contributors! It will be interesting to see whether any of the airlines or the airport authoriy will enlighten us on some of these questions. Perhaps the Editor can keep us informed?
    Commuter 9/15/2008 1:39:04 PM
    As a regular commuter between CTN and JHB, I've often pondered many of these issues(usually while queing/waiting/looking for parking). I think the answer must be 42.
    JK 9/15/2008 1:46:44 PM
    The reason why you wait more than an hour to pick up the person that arrived is that the poor passenger has to wait an hour or more for his/her luggage to finally appear on the carousel - EVEN ON LOCAL FLIGHTS! And OR Tambo can't seem to go through a day without changing at least one flight's luggage to a carousel different to what's on the board (2 international flights while we were waiting). They really need to up their game before 2010!
    JohannC 9/15/2008 1:47:26 PM
    Mate, the object of lighthearted journalism like this poor attempt is not to find actual answers, but rather to entertain the reader. Chris clearly tries to be serious after the first two jokes, but then drops the ball. He should either have researched a serious article, or have taken a few tips from the master himself: David Moseley. Chris Moerdyk = fail.
    magic 9/15/2008 1:56:25 PM
    You actually have a choice on the SAA website to tick if its a sponsored booking and you dont have to produce a credit card at check in. Please dont blame all your shortcomings on living in SA. Clearly you are not well-informed about these kind of things.
    whoknows 9/15/2008 2:00:57 PM
    The reason you have to show your credit card at checkin is as a direct result of people using their credit card, then after flying crying to the credit card, company that the card was used fraudulently by "someone else" and the airline loosing the money. Cost of fuel, cheapskate customers, airlines have to count every penny.
    COS 9/15/2008 2:03:21 PM
    As any good old Scottish person would say: "Go boil your head"!. Really, if you didnt like the article after the first few lines there is a red box in the top right hand corner of your screen with a white cross in it - click on there. The articles was lighthearted and showed that when travelling by air, we are all in the same "boat"
    nai99 9/15/2008 2:04:41 PM
    too true, i'd rather fly saa that the other green one.......oh and the red one......too scary!
    whoknows 9/15/2008 2:06:04 PM
    Why is it that some passengers want to travel with the kitchen sink? Why is it that passengers want bigger seats for themselves and neighbours sitting next to them, yet want the fare paid to be as low as possible ie more seats on plane to share costs. Why is it that those travelling on super discount seats, always want the same benefits as passengers travelling first/business?
    whoknows 9/15/2008 2:08:47 PM
    Why is it that everybody "travels frequently" but only has a blue frequent flyer card, and then cant understand why they cant prebook seats while the airline keeps the nice seats for silver and gold card passengers who actually do fly regularly. Why is it that passengers never know the cost of flying safely until the plane crashes. Why is it that passengers on SAA complain about the included meal, yet nobody complains about the cheapie airlines providing no meals
    Shantih 9/15/2008 2:13:23 PM
    The ticket was bought at the counter, and the person that processed the ticket apologised - apparently something was entered incorrectly (not by me) But the rude cow at the gate never did apologise for treating me like a criminal. And I didn't blame any of my shortcomings on living in SA. I just said "Gotta love SAA" The airline, in case you missed the extra A.
    VG 9/15/2008 2:14:15 PM
    why do they request a contact no when yu book a flight, but then don't bother to sms/call you to tell you the flight has been delayed? what do they need the no. for then? a number of times, SAA has actually cancelled flights - and you only find out once you're at the airport
    Mark A 9/15/2008 2:15:39 PM
    How is it that airport tax on my "free SAA Voyager Miles" is almost R700!! Yet a 1 Time or other low cost airline flight is nearly the same including tax. Is an airport that costly to run?
    stan 9/15/2008 2:18:33 PM
    Seriously, so many people are so negtive & devoid of a sense of humor (Leigh, IceBerg, Kev, etc) that they seem justified in trying to bring everyone else down to their sad level. this is a tongue-in-cheeck, funny article. I found myself saying "oh yeah, that's true" to many of the points made, yet someone like Leigh, with absolutely NO constructive comments, says her useless say. Seriously people, life is too short.
    whoknows 9/15/2008 2:19:55 PM
    Why is it that the passenger travelling on the R200 ticket secretly hopes he gets a free upgrade?
    stan 9/15/2008 2:20:49 PM
    Yuo obviously spend too much time nitpicking like Leigh. If you think it is so easy, why don't you start your own column? See it for what it was intended, light, humorous reading, meant not to be taken seriously. You oviously have some deep rooted issues which you need to resolve with a shrink, not on this forum.
    Kirkster 9/15/2008 2:20:56 PM
    The brace position is polite way to tell you to put your head between your legs and kiss your a..bum goodbye! Love the article, unfortunately it is all true! At Stockholm airport you HAVE to use the check in machine first b4 you go to the counter, even though they know it won't work cos you need to be booked thru your transit airport. Of course this assumes that everyone has a credit card to get the machine to work. They will not help you until you have been through the whole process!
    Adam in London 9/15/2008 2:30:14 PM
    A great read...serious food for thought...loved it
    Dave 9/15/2008 2:47:34 PM
    Good to know you pack light. Just so you know, I like to pack heavy.
    magic 9/15/2008 3:02:09 PM
    Please accept my most sincere apology :-)
    Alexander 9/15/2008 3:05:58 PM
    nice thoughts, but useless if there are no answers.
    Skywards 9/15/2008 3:08:36 PM
    need the joy back in flying, try Indian based Jet Airways, you are addressed by your first name.
    rita keevil 9/15/2008 3:19:25 PM
    I think the fat people should go in the hold and their suitcases can be strapped into the seat. Less wheezing and sweaty smells that way.
    Shantih 9/15/2008 3:21:27 PM
    Accepted :-)
    leigh 9/15/2008 3:28:13 PM
    Do you need a hug?
    lenny 9/15/2008 3:29:06 PM
    Why can't I have 20% more space for 20% extra on my ticket. I am tall and flying is a real pain.
    ChrisR 9/15/2008 3:48:35 PM
    Maybe I am not that spoiled yet but flying with all those problems mentioned and a few of my own is still great. When last did you sit back when the aircraft accelarated to take off - great trill and the landing and the nice plastic food etc. stop moaning , it is a privelige and a old bugger like me still can't believe my good luck to participate in this modern world of flying.
    JP 9/15/2008 3:51:28 PM
    ...and why is the smallest toilet in the airport the one at baggage collection? That's where most people head after leaving an aircraft.
    BLACKsoWHAT! 9/15/2008 3:54:01 PM
    Will my comments ever be published on this GD platform...it takes 30 secs of my time to type, pls. Anyway i agree with Johannc, its a dreadful piece... no humour in it...I think we need another round of the Zuma soapie.
    JHR 9/15/2008 4:02:18 PM
    JohannC has probably only flown once in his life. As a frequesnt flyer I have pondered every one of these question. And understand fully what they mean, cause I'd love to get some answers on them. JohannC, go moan somewhere else if you don't understand the article !

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