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Healers' words 'a load of cock'
19/10/2005 10:04 - (SA)
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| A photo of one of the pamphlets for men and women who can't produce, etc. |
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If you live in the Cape Town CBD, as I do, you can't leave your front door without a clutch of dull-eyed, gum-chewing young girls thrusting pamphlets at you.
Twenty percent of these pamphlets ask you if you have any old jewellery for sale, and eighty percent offer you miraculous ways to make your family jewels larger.
Those of you with a grasp of statistics will have worked out that I only took five pamphlets, but I always think percentages sound so much more believable.
The non-jewellery store pamphlets offer a range of services, all by respectable medical men. There's Dr Majin Shaba, and his sidekick Dr Haisha, who tout themselves as "Astrologer, Herbalist and Healer", and are a "Member of African National Healers Association".
Don't worry about the confusing grammar, by the way. I've gone through the list of curable problems on the good doctors' lists, and bad grammar isn't one of them, otherwise we could legitimately say, "Physician - heal thyself".
There's Doctor Maama Williams and Professor Hassan, who claim "We are here to help". "Are you disappointed?", ask the concerned duo, who are a Herbalist and a "Cultural Healer" respectively.
"Have you tried all but get help? Here is your change for better healing. The doctor specialises in treating diseases, witchcraft and other melladies, using herbs from forests of Africa And herbs from India, China, S America etc".
I love the idea of Europe being referred to as "etc". I think we owe them that, at least. But I'm not here to make fun of someone's poor command of English. The only reason I'm ridiculing these healers is because they seem to be taking advantage of people's credulity and desperation.
Dr Sheik Abubaker from Zanzibar Island, for example, who claims to be "healing by using his Ancestral Spiritual Powers", says he can give you "Control over Lovers" (number 16 in his list of possible "melladies"), "Mad people" (number 22), and - most mysteriously - "Etc etc" (number 30).
Of course, all these healers offer variations on the good old internet standard, penis enlargement. Now I don't want to go off half-cocked about this, but aren't black men supposed to have big penises already?
Ah, you'll say, perhaps that ailment is in there for the white clientele, and it is true that the slack-jawed poppies handing out the pamphlets are always thrusting these things meaningfully towards me.
I also noticed that the majority of people voluntarily taking the pamphlets are women, so perhaps it's a case of the people who actually have to use the product being the ones best suited to knowing the unfortunate difference between marketing and reality.
Can you enlarge someone's penis without them knowing? Dr Musa, in fact, claims to be able to "make men's Penis big and stronger permanently".
That, I'm sure the man would notice. I guess if you can get a potion to "prevent home/shops/cars" (no, I don't know what that means either), you can get a potion to do anything.
It costs R30 a consultation with these cultural healers, which seems pretty cheap for some of the miracles they can perform. They're probably as effective as half the doctors and priests in our land, who peddle more or less the same wares.
And they're a damn sight cheaper than doctors, who charge some enormous medical aid rates, or priests, who take your soul. (Or is that Satan who charges by the soul? I can never remember.)
The most enticing offer, for me, is "We make you know about your Future." If I'd had that facility last week, I would never have written that column asking you, the reader, to e-mail all your friends asking them to NOT click on my story called New Free Sex.
If you remember, the challenge was to halve the amount of people (12 000 odd) who read my column the previous week, in an attempt to show that people aren't as stupid as marketers, advertising copywriters, magazine editors and, yes, columnists, would like to believe.
Well, unbelievably, it worked. New Free Sex got LESS than half the traffic of the previous week's column. Well done to all concerned, although now I'm probably going to lose my job. I shall have to sign up for number 15 on Dr Haisha's list, "Customer Attraction".
Dr Sir Chris Roper can help you Remove Zumas, Pickle Leons, and Irritate Kaizer Chiefs. Just send R30.
Send your comments to Chris or discuss this column now in our debating forum.
See Chris's previous columns in his blog New Free Sex.
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