Diamonds not all black and white
07/09/2007 10:14  - (SA)  

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Chris Roper

So my jeweller friend phones me, and tells me he's being driven mad by doddering rich Sandton housewives who keep wandering into his store and asking for black diamonds.

Apparently they think it's the next big craze, and they want tasteful tennis bracelets made up for their young, blonde, twitchy daughters.

Ha, if they only knew what their daughters were actually getting up to with black diamonds, they'd accelerate their emigration plans, instead of waiting for the maid to die and their husbands to siphon enough money into the offshore accounts. But you can't blame them for being confused, everywhere you look nowadays, people in marketing, advertising and the media are writing about black diamonds.

What are black diamonds, you ask? They're expensive, useless, yet pretty lumps, originating in South Africa, where the high pressure and temperatures on the ground enable their formation. Once they're spotted by big business, say a De Beers, they're whisked off overseas and sold on the open market.

The slightly inferior ones eventually end up being used locally, and when I say used, I mean that in every possible sense. But especially in the sense of, here, buy a crap BMW you can't afford and work the rest of your life paying it off. Amandla!

'Black' diamonds are not truly black

My extensive knowledge of diamonds comes from Wikipedia, where I'm very pleased to see the following: "Diamonds can occur in nearly any colour. 'Black' diamonds are not truly black, but rather contain numerous dark inclusions that give the gems their dark appearance. When the colour is saturated enough in yellow or brown diamonds, a stone may be referred to as a fancy coloured diamond by the gem trade, otherwise they are graded for colour in the normal colour range of white diamonds."

The good news for all you white businessmen (and white businesswomen, of course - 14.7% of top management jobs, apparently), is that black diamonds are actually white diamonds with a dark appearance. You give them enough yellow or brown, and you get a fancy coloured diamond like Trevor Manuel, which is far less threatening.

And once the advertising industry has used its propaganda budget of millions and millions of rands to turn them into moneygrubbing little white people, possibly Americans, these black diamonds in the rough will be the finished product. Twinkly little white diamonds set into the dog collar worn by the smug, slavering brute that is the capitalist fat cat.

Re-reading the mixed metaphors in that last sentence, I realise I've degenerated from satire into delirium, so maybe I should recap my point clearly and concisely, if I can work it out. And that point is...

Struggle diamonds

This black diamonds crap is just the marketing and advertising industry spinning another way to get their clients to cough up money. It's the usual trick of giving something a name so that you can pretend you understand it. It's also damned insulting to conclude that the fact that we now have a black middle class, post-94, means that this black middle class is going to mimic exactly the greed and hackneyed aspirations of a generic white middle class. Obviously, I'm excluding the likes of Tony Yengeni and Allan Boesak, who I believe are now known as "struggle diamonds" or "conflict diamonds".

Struggle diamonds (also known as blood diamonds or dirty diamonds), come from areas of struggle, and are usually sold clandestinely to finance a warlord's activities. Jacob "bring me my gold-plated machine gun" Zuma, for example, could be called a struggle diamond.

Perhaps advertising agencies could consider selling some targeted advertising to struggle diamonds? I'm sure Mercedes-Benz would be interested, for example. But in the meantime, well done my black comrades. You are now truly equal with the white man, because the marketing industry has decided you can afford membership to the buy now, pay forever club.

Send your comments to Chris.

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