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Diagrams and instructions
15/08/2008 08:40 - (SA)
Colleen Figg
I avoid glossy magazines. They're always going on about perfect sex; the Quest for the Ultimate Orgasm. They've got ten step guides, with diagrams and instructions.
I often envisage Mr and Mrs Jones trying out these steps of an evening; Mr Jones holding the mag over Mrs Jones' left shoulder moaning instructions at her (or vice versa) while she ties herself up in improbable knots that land up taking her hip out at the end of it all.
What really tickles me is imagining how they came to be trying out the ten step guide in the first place.
Presumably Mrs J would have dropped hints and suggestions and Mr J might have tried to comply until The Article was read. Suddenly it must have become clear where they were going wrong all along - the incorrect underwear, for starters.
Secondly, there was no ambience in their bedroom but then again why did they have to keep using the bedroom... what was wrong with the kitchen... saucy enough idea eh?
Years of getting comfortable with each other meant years of falling into a rut (no one ever notices this terrible pun, seemingly) button A results in reaction B and errr... knob c means a rush of sensation in point D.
Romance
The ten step guide pooh-poohs all this. People in touch with their sexuality should be flinging each other against the wall like Jeff Bridges did to Rachel Ward in Against All Odds, calling her filthy names and grabbing her by the hair as he forced her quivering surrender. That's what women want, we are told, to be forcefully "taken" in exotic locations while sweat is licked from their heaving flanks.
I also blame authors of so-called "romance novels" for fanning the flames of marital discontent, mind you. Women in their curlers reading lines like, "He turned the full force of his blue flamed gaze upon her and caressed her pretty lips with his finger, pulling her towards him to devour her pink lushness with his beard smudged mouth", can't help but feel that the hubby, labour away as he might in the bedroom, simply cannot cut the mustard.
And dear old hubby, finding kittenish Brigitte Bardot lookalikes in the men's mags, complete with suggestive pout, would be hard pressed to see the Missus as anything but second hand news, really.
It's all most unfortunate and the ones paying the price are, er, the ones paying the price, as it were, for these mags.
My motto in relation to these magazines, is that ignorance is "less is, in fact, more". I know what I need to have an earth shattering orgasm, I don't need some guide telling me where to find my G-Spot (which has become the newest Holy Grail) nor ten steps to agonise over when I don't get them exactly right!
Ignorance, friends, is bliss!
Send your comments to Colleen.
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Agree, though...
15/08/2008 08:57
..ignorance might make for some better experiences for the couple, taken in the context that you mean. Though too ignorant can also be the downfall of a couple or individuals role in a relationship - the best thing in my experience is still communication. I don't mean just dirty-talk, but if people just communicate and experiment, all those magazines will be diminished to just a giggle. I'm early 30's, and I'm even scared of putting a hip out trying some "reversed wheelbarrow tarzan" position. - J Cilliers |
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I think...
15/08/2008 09:19
...that you are just a prude, Colleen. Shame. - eduardo |
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Some beautiful....
15/08/2008 09:34
puns, Colleen! This article was perfectly positioned to tickle my funny bone! - Dave Robbins |
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Well Said
15/08/2008 09:52
Oh what a giggle...I'm no prude by any means, but sometimes I look at these mags and wonder if some of the articles were written by acrobats from the Chinese circus. And yes, very good question - who researches these mags. Do they do it physically? I'd be curious to know. - Lejane |
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Ya ya,
15/08/2008 10:09
not to be the male chauvanist you know what, but we all know that whatever "shiney magazine" with the run of the mill type of articles, is going to get whipped off the shelf.Strange how it is known what these articles contain, morever, it is absolutely ridiculous that such dribble contained in romantic novels is allowed to be published...and or quoted, even if to prove a point. I say yeah to ignorance..ignorance is bliss. "Reversed wheelbarrow tarzan position" jeez do we have to go below the belt - Dean |
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Continued
15/08/2008 10:14
cont./ "Reverse tarzan wheel barrow position" Jeez do we have to go below the belt, there are far more exciting and passionate ways to experiment. Try the art of Karma Sutra. Tantric Sex etc. not that as a couple we are as boring as that, the missus and I love the whole toot and whislte, you are the same age as us, and I promise you,if you are doing it right, your hip should be the last thing to worry about...:-)
- Dean |
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Porn
15/08/2008 10:33
This is where pornography is so dangerous, because it presents a picture of woman and sexuality that is unnatural and immoral, as something that is normal and acceptable. Of course the wife at home doesnt have the bonus of all the lights, camera and make up..and we wonder why infidelity is on the rise! - mark |
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Diagrams and instructions
15/08/2008 10:48
We live in a society where people are so influenced and conned by the media that they often no longer have the ability to destinguish between reality and fantasy, to the detriment of their own happiness and contentness. - wrathex |
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Sex positions
15/08/2008 10:51
These things work, well most of them anyway. Believe me! Ask my wife... - Studmuffin |
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Those Mags..
15/08/2008 10:54
total waste of money, only purchased by lazy individuals with no imagination! - Happy Mrs Dean |
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still chuckling
15/08/2008 11:03
oh colleen - you are no prude. thank you for a great article - laverne |
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Sex articles
15/08/2008 11:18
Dunno if you ever noticed, but the magazines to which you refer are usually womens magazines. There is almost always a heading on the front page regarding sex - I am sure women are more obsessed about it than men. This obviously sells the magazines, no? Women tend to think there's more to it, but at the end of the day, its just a simple act that we share together. If you need to read instructions, your probably a bit of a prude, but then you need instruction, so no harm done. Love the pun! - Marcd |
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Although to be fair...
15/08/2008 11:20
....I have occasionally (very ocassionally) found some useful sex advice in - of all things - the FHM Magazine (although to be fair, it wasn't 'ten steps to...' stuff, it was practical advice on how to ensure my lady has her best experience ever - and it most defintely works!!!! - Rodders |
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here here!!
15/08/2008 11:23
I agree with you Colleen - 100%. You don't have to read those stupid magazines to have earth-shattering sex. Most glossy women's mags are mostly about the advertising any way. I gave up on them years ago and I've never regretted it. - Odette |
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@Mark
15/08/2008 11:34
Get of your moral high horse! We are not talking of porn here. Leave the preaching for Sunday. - Studmuffin |
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Too glossy for my liking
15/08/2008 11:50
So if these mags mostly contain crap, and if I could wipe my ass with those type of mags then it would be of some use....but unfortunately glossy paper does not wipe down well!! - gummibear |
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Fun in bed
15/08/2008 11:54
Colleen it is very simple, I love sweetie and sweetie loves me. I am past my best and Sweetie feels about herself the same - but I think she's great and beautiful and sexy etc etc and we laugh a lot about our bedroom antics and what they hope to teach people we have already found out on our own the last 30 years. - Chris |
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It's like driving
15/08/2008 12:07
You learn K53 and take driving lessons, but the real driving is when you're alone using the basics you've learned. Sex instructions should be taken the same way, and can spice-up one's bedroom life if both parties are adventerous and like having fun. THE KEY THING IS COMMUNICATION. - NM |
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