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A Very Azanian Christmas
04/12/2007 13:04 - (SA)
David Moseley
There is universal warning that it's almost time for faux pleasantries and some pretend love. The Christmas movie.
Every year around November the Christmas movies start hitting the big screen. And with that you should know it's time to start loving your neighbour, and at least attempt to spread smiles and happiness on the way into the office each morning (pretty frustrating in Cape Town when half of Jo'burg is driving in the opposite direction and heading to the beach).
Of course, about 99% of all Christmas movies come out of Hollywood. So wouldn't it be great if Leon Schuster stopped dressing as an Indian just once and put together the ultimate South African Christmas movie.
Being South Africa, this festive tale would be about redemption, about past rights being wronged, about one man's struggle to look terror in the eye (trying to book a domestic flight?) and the fight back through the sheer spirit of goodwill.
Universal themes
Greed, corruption, rape, taxi violence and rugby will combine as our heroes struggle to regain their love for a time of year they no longer approach with the same enthusiasm and joy as year' gone by.
Naturally, Charlize will come home to star as a fiery love interest. Hansie, on a break from his holiday in the Caymans, will play the ghost of Christmas past, highlighting the perils of excess and avarice as the narrative develops.
With his razor-sharp knack for telling it like it is, Zapiro will star as the ghost of Christmas present, while Robert Mugabe will headline as the ghost of Christmas yet to come.
Jacob Zuma, thespian for the masses, will slip comfortably into the role of a disenchanted Santa Claus, now interested only in women and regaining power at the North Pole after a coup from the workshop elves (led, obviously, by William Madisha).
Stirring cameo performances by Tito Mboweni (The Grinch Who Stole Christmas), Zackie Achmat (an idealistic street urchin always asking for more) and Colin Moss as an aspiring rugby talent who desperately pleads with Santa for a new pair of boots to prove himself to the world, A Very Azanian Christmas won't disappoint.
Plotting away
The plot follows three fallen angels (played with gusto by Bakkies Botha, Victor Matfield and SA actor du jor, Presley Chweneyagae) disillusioned with the way mankind has gone. During a murderous rampage in Soweto they discover a mysterious DVD. Intrigued, they play the movie only to discover that it unleashes a horde of flesh eating zombie reindeer unto the world. Oh deer.
Mildly disturbed, out anti-heroes must now travel to the North Pole to find Santa Zuma and the only machine gun capable of mowing down the zombie reindeer. It will all reach a gripping conclusion when God, played with aplomb by Arno Carstens in black leather pants, informs the trio that the only way to stop the reindeer is with a rousing rendition of Oh Christmas Tree - sung by "Michael Buble".
The angels look at each, shrug, and reckon they'd rather take their chances with a rapid Rudolph. Yes, it's A Very Azanian Christmas. Showing soon.
For the record, my favourite Christmas movie is Die Hard. Yippee Kay Yay...
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