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A vow of abstinence
04/03/2008 13:20 - (SA)
David Moseley
It was an exhilarating week and weekend for news in the Republic, the highlight of which must surely have been Jennifer Aniston's declaration of celibacy to the world. The flaxen-haired beauty has stated that she won't be engaging in any touching and feeling until she's found true love.
No doubt she'll be able to turn her chaste experience into a Disney endorsed best-seller. Not Sleeping Around Beauty is sure to be an enormous American summer blockbuster that will lift the spirits of the virginal and virtuous.
Of course, when your previous husband is Brad Pitt it's probably all down hill after him anyway. Essentially it's the same as holding your breath at the shopping centre until your mom buys you GI Joe Counter Insurgency Jim, but hey, whatever makes you feel good.
But it's the commitment I like, commitment that maybe a few leaders - or men and women who've somehow managed to find themselves in positions of leadership - in South Africa could do well to emulate.
JZ (the future president, not the music mogul) should perhaps think about taking a similar stance. These are strategic days he's living in and thoughts of steamy, sweaty sex will only cloud his judgment when crucial decisions need to be made. He's got to decide what colour drapes he'd like in his prison cell - or, failing that, at least new wallpaper for his soon-to-be office in Parliament.
Not only would his vow of abstinence allow him piece of mind when choosing a colour scheme, but it would also allow some sweet relief for female family members at public gatherings - not to mention a reprieve for the future Wife Number Five of JZ. You know what they say; behind every potentially imprisoned president there are five good women (minus the dead ones, of course).
Stealing from the rich
More importantly, though, he should either hold his breath or remain celibate until he can come up with a new excuse for all that ails him in this world. The "Thabo Mbeki stole my homework" line is getting a bit tired. Blaming the current president for the charges of corruption, fraud, money-laundering and racketeering that blight him so is a bit harsh.
At the very least he could accept one of the lesser claims - racketeering (it's got a nice ring to it, don't you think. Almost like he was stealing from the rich to give to the poor) perhaps - and pin the rest on Thabo.
What's he going to do when Thabo's gone? JZ might have a few years grace to blame his old sparring partner, and maybe a small window of opportunity where he can blame the previous regime (the white one), but when the French coal-fuelled power plant goes on the fritz?
"Merde Wife Number Four, these damn instructions are in French. It says here if we want it repaired we have to give the French at least 10 of our wine farms. I told Thabo not to trust that Sarkozy character."
What of a natural disaster? Mr President, there's a 5 000 megaton asteroid heading towards the Houses of Parliament. "Goddamit. I told Thabo to relocate to Pedi. Pack the bags Future Wife Number Five; we're leaving. Oh, and see if you can get Bruce Willis on the line. Better yet, ask Jen if she's done waiting. Might as well cash in before the end of the world."
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