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Idol President
22/04/2008 09:27 - (SA)
David Moseley
On a continent where voting for the man or woman you want is sometimes more of lottery than the Lottery, it makes perfect sense.
Instead of having an election, which in some parts of our beloved continent is often just an excuse to appease the international observers, why not have a presidential reality contest, or game show, to decide who the next inept leader is.
At the very least a reality show should help to put an end to cries of third forces trying to ruin the country. Though if there is a first or second force in South African now might be a good time to put your hands up.
There are myriad shows to choose from, but you'd definitely want something to make the contestants sweat. Who Wants to Be a President? Wouldn't be a bad way to interrogate a candidate.
Instead of a guaranteed R1000, R10 000 or R100 000 for each level reached, the contestant would receive a guaranteed level of leadership. First would be Minister of Sport, then Education, then Safety and Security, the Vice-Presidency, and then the main prize, sheltered employment at Eskom.
Questions would range from 'if you're caught giving your family a fleet of luxury cars what do you do? A Blame the past B Blame the British C Come clean, accept the crime and admit you were only in it for the money in the first place or D Call the accuser a racist'. You won't need phone a friend or ask the audience, because being a future politician you'll have already bribed the quizmaster. "The answer is A". But I haven't asked the question yet. 'Oh. Well the answer is still A'. Sigh. You're right. Well done.
The Apprentice, not a bad idea. Get potentials to work under the wing of a respected political leader...oh wait. Never mind. They probably wouldn't have the time in Botswana or Luxembourg anyway.
Watching the contestants
Idol President could be a laugh, but only for the same reason that Idol is - watching the contestants squirm while the judges rip their repertoire to shreds.
We could get Kofi Annan in to be the sympathetic judge, Thabo could be the indifferent judge who 'loves' everyone and just wants them all to be a success. 'You're already a winner in my eyes darling'. And David Bullard could be the judge who hates everyone and who everyone hates. 'What's your special skill then sonny?'. Well judge, I sing and dance to a lovely traditional ditty. 'I'm sorry, that's just so last struggle. Next please'.
Out of all the shows and contests there really is only one option, though. Survivor: President. Oh eh oooh oh eh oooh eh oh eh oh. You know how the song goes. Sixteen presidential hopefuls, representing a mix of South Africans - white, black, Indian, men, women, gay, straight - line up in Cape Town. The two groups - one all men, one all women - of eight are a given a former Homeland to run.
One set must dash of for Bloemfontein, while the other charges to Lesotho. For 32 days they can govern any which way they like. Tasks include mediating an international crisis, alleviating poverty, providing sustainable ideas for future power generation and combating the growing price in basic foods.
The show turns out to be a complete disaster, though, when the viewers realise its actually real life they're watching. Oh eh oooh oh eh oooh eh oh eh oh.
Send your comments to David.
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