Kissing and telling

2008-04-30 08:22

David Moseley

I was taking this one so seriously that on Sunday night I even wrote down a list of things I was going to mention today. Unfortunately I'd been at the Wellington Walk Cheese and Wine Festival all day and the rosé was just too good to turn down (the bobbing for ice blocks was also a particular highlight).

So when I had a look at my list this morning all I could make out was "washing machine", "not in the movies" and something about "no licking". I'm talking, of course, about kissing.

Kissing is fantastic, and I'm sure even the righteous and pious will agree that you won't go to hell just for planting one on the lips (little bit of tongue) before marriage. I haven't had a good kiss (of any kind) in ages, so I was obviously reminiscing about a few of the golden moments on Sunday night.

I wrote about my first kiss ages ago, and that will always remain a magic moment, but there have been some crackers since then - and a few shockers.

Goldfish

When I was at varsity I had a wee crush on my mate's digsmate. She was an "older girl" and seemed very sensible and unlikely to send any of her tongue action my way. As luck - and three bottles of Tassies - would have it, she did. I wish she hadn't.

In an instant the magic had melted. As I closed my eyes and moved in for the kill I think she took a frenzied goldfish and dropped it into my expectant mouth. It was like the thing was swimming away from a ravenous school of piranhas.

Not only did her tongue swim in all directions, but it also seemed intent on playing a sneaky game of hide and seek. You know those lizards you see, basking in the sun, then as soon as you get near they disappear down some impossibly small crack, only to dart back out again when curiosity gets the better of them?

Yup, that's how awesome that experience was. The lady in question had a boyfriend some time later. I can only imagine that she had worked on her technique. Or perhaps he just liked to hold hands.

On another boozy occasion I was coming back from a dinner when I got attacked in my car by a very gorgeous blonde girl. On a scale of terrifying to horrific, I would have to say that I was mildly terrified. Yet strangely aroused.

I soon found out that she did indeed kiss like an angel playing the harp, but on this inaugural incident she was obviously so overwhelmed in my presence that she tried to put her tongue in my mouth and out through my ear.

At the very least I think she may have found the lamb shank that I had for dinner.

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