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The Credit Crunch Python
14/10/2008 11:10  - (SA)  

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  • Read David's News24 blog
  • David Moseley

    There's an industrious-looking fellow outside my girlfriend's flat. He's either a conscientious builder who was up very early this morning, or he's just another financially disadvantaged citizen, feeling the Credit Crunch Python's suffocating squeeze. The Credit Crunch Python, by the way, can strike at any time.

    Just this last weekend I had to downgrade my tipple of choice from Heineken to Amstel, a saving of R20 per case, friends. I fear next weekend I may have to drink something out of brown bottle. Times are tough indeed.

    Anyway, this dude downstairs is quietly filling up his bakkie with bricks from an ongoing building site, casting furtive glances over his shoulder (and those are sure signs of ne'er-do-wells).

    So at least someone, somewhere in Cape Town this week will be getting that extra room they've always dreamed of. Ooh, there he goes, looking rather chuffed with himself.

    In the spirit of saving and spending prudently we all have to cut back a little on life's luxuries. Or steal someone else's bricks.

    And after five years of spendthrift cohabitation, my flat mate and I are finally looking at the prices of the junk we put in our trolley. We didn't even buy NikNaks last month. If Terror makes NikNaks cheaper, he'll get my vote.

    This has had a negative effect in our lives, but we roll with the punches. Our newfound parsimony has displeased my previously advantaged domestic worker somewhat. She's insisting that we return the AIM iron we purchased and swop it for a Russell Hobbs model. I told her it that if I have to drink Amstel on the weekends, then she can goddam suck it up and iron with the AIM. She is not amused.

    Nevertheless, despite the economic global downturn - I love those catchy financial turns of phrase - there are still some things in life you cannot skimp on. I can live with burn marks on my clothing or having my kitchen floor tiles washed with Sunlight liquid (an underhanded move indeed by the maid. She was so nice to me when I was a kid). I can even go without buying new underpants for a few years, that's just the kind of stoic guy I am.

    It must have something to do with my granddad growing up in Glasgow, having 16 different jobs at the age of 12, needing to care for his family of 30 and walking a round trip of 60 miles a day in the snow in no shoes just to buy a lump of coal to heat the kettle to make a shared cup of tea from a five-day old tea bag that made me the survivor of hard times that I am today.

    But I will not - cannot - compromise on two things; red wine and toilet paper. A life without good red wine and plush, soft as angel's hair toilet roll is a life not worth living.

    Take my car, Mr Bank Manager; I shall brave the Metrorail. Take my golf clubs; I can't keep it on the fairway anyway. Have my house you one percent above prime-lending bastards; I already have my Checkers trolley packed with blankets, tinned goods, scrap metal and a mangy township dog.

    But take my two-ply with puppies on and you'll have a fight on your hands. Glance in the direction of my Andreas Shiraz and you'll know what it feels like to get plugged with a cork. Oh, and condoms. If it's not Durex, I'm not having sex. And mountain bike shirts. The good ones are guaranteed to make you 20% faster. Guaranteed.

    News update: The builders have arrived downstairs and are looking mightily perplexed at their diminished supply of bricks. I could tell them what's going on, but it's a breezy day in Cape Town and not conducive to quality brick-laying.

    Send your comments to David.

    Disclaimer: News24 encourages freedom of speech and the expression of diverse views. The views of columnists published on News24 are therefore their own and do not necessarily represent the views of News24.

    - News24



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      Hilarious!
    14/10/2008 11:51
    Excellent column David - you made my morning. - Odette
     
      Can't do without ...
    14/10/2008 11:58
    Very funny! The things I can't do without are my Woolies organic dark chocolate with orange, and Clinique skin care. Even if I have to eat baked beans for the rest of the month! (They are very healthy, apparently!) - Marie-Antoinette
     
      Funny
    14/10/2008 12:06
    David thanks for the entertaining column. For the guy helping himself to someone else's stuff, you could have shouted 'Hey' from your window just to confuse him.Recession or not , you can't inconvenience others for your own comforts - Lungig
     
      Thanks
    14/10/2008 12:07
    Entertaining as ever - ClayOne
     
      I will eat less...
    14/10/2008 12:14
    but don't take away my Friday after work relaxing tipple or fags away. And my cats won't compromise their Friskie sachets either so 1-ply will have to do. - SB
     
      Move Over Monty Python!
    14/10/2008 12:17
    Absolutely hilarious. A disclaimer not to have a cup of coffee in hand or a gulp of tea at the time would be in order. Made my day!, No, my month! - Allison
     
      Funny
    14/10/2008 12:22
    You are a funny dude!!! Five day old tea bag?? A few years without buying new underwear? Geez, you better keep em clean though - omania
     
      Toilet paper
    14/10/2008 12:23
    I am 100% with you the toilet paper. Them puppy dogs sure are gentle. - chillepeppa
     
      It's hard times!
    14/10/2008 12:25
    Good laugh - Brenton
     
      Wine
    14/10/2008 12:25
    If the price of meat goes up, buy less meat. If the price of wine goes up, buy even less meat. - Stoffel
     
      times is hard
    14/10/2008 12:39
    dave, there you go again making my tuesday...nice article, but i think you so right coz i had to downsize on a whole lotta things i used to get, i now shop @ shoprite,drink amstel lager(inguthu),buy only loose draws and drive when its absolutely neccessary......damnitttt - broke@ssHell
     
      True and also sad!
    14/10/2008 12:40
    You know the next thing is that we won't be able to have enough money to come to work. - gugu
     
      Hard times
    14/10/2008 12:43
    Thanks David youn made my day... I can't live without my Johnny Walker Black Label and DSTV(i life in a very small mining town in the midddle of nowhere).I have even given up smoking... - Cynthia
     
      Rough tough & selfish
    14/10/2008 12:46
    I simply refuse to have cheap coffee in the house, & would rather eat beans for a month than have some one forbid my 1 whiskey per day due to financial constraints!! Besides, if I DO eat beans for a month, I might not have to spend quite so much on petrol. Okay, I admit, my plan needs a bit of refining... Junior in my house says, cut back on veggies but don't touch his jellybabies! - sarah
     
      cutting costs
    14/10/2008 13:00
    i read on some other magazine how alcohol & smokes are bad for you and they imply that you can cut costs by eliminating such factors on your life........i took their advice and i am glad to say i wont be buying magazines for a while - broke@sshell
     
      Cycling shirts
    14/10/2008 13:08
    Damn so thats why I'm slow on my bike! If I add cycling shorts will that make me 40% faster or just 100% more stylish? - bj
     
      They'll never take my...
    14/10/2008 13:08
    internet access, and chocolate mint ice cream from Spar and shopping at Spar (and sometimes Woolies) and bottled oxygenated water and... yeah we're roughing it alright. Great article! - Scotty
     
      Nice
    14/10/2008 13:15
    Nice column this week. Certain things I just won't skimp on. I try save R10 a month on my cell phone bill but then this weekend paid R1500 for a case (6) of wine. Madness. Priorities. - MJ
     
      can't do without
    14/10/2008 13:17
    Could you imagine me giving up on my champagne, I don't think so and I am so with you on the loo paper, my absolute two things I could not live without. Great article. Love Mom. xxx - Mary-Jean Hennis
     
      Leave my red wine...
    14/10/2008 13:20
    ...touch my Glen Carlou and you will be sorry! :) Great column again sir!. Off to get some baked beans, see you later!. - Bob
     
      Prawns
    14/10/2008 13:22
    Yet another great article??.Me and my family (4) simple cannot skip a month without going to The Boma (Alberton). Especially on prawns and sushi nights. And the sabeen totally define. - Candice
     
      Funny
    14/10/2008 13:31
    Funny I was thinking this morning while taking a bath that I need to down grade & buy cheaper toilet, Protex is also too expensive think sunlight soap is a better option at this stage. - Tee
     
      Breezy...
    14/10/2008 13:42
    Go commando - real men do it! - CrisisOfFaith
     
      Don't touch my lazy aged steaks
    14/10/2008 13:42
    Leave me my thick juicy lazy aged steaks from the local butchery and the red wine for the Saturday braai and, don't even think of suggesting to me that I give up my Jack Daniels! - Brian
     
      please get rid of this guy
    14/10/2008 13:51
    your articles are boring, you are pompous and have no clue whatsoever of what is going on in the world. why don't you become a politician instead? - hugo
     
      I agree
    14/10/2008 14:01
    Great column as usual. I have always said that my idea of roughing it is using single ply toilet paper. Compromise - sure! But touch my toilet paper and I'll feed you to my dog. - Lin
     
      Let the side down
    14/10/2008 14:13
    What, you can't handle a bit of rough toilet paper? You're coal-eating grandfather will be ashamed! - Nanker Phelge
     
      @ hugo BOred
    14/10/2008 14:14
    take a chill pill dude, this is satire and we need such things to keep us sane @ crazy times like this.......i think you need some lUv, a whole lotta of luv or you're too broke you cant afford to be funny - broke@sshell
     
      @hugo
    14/10/2008 14:19
    Were you born without a sense of humour or did someone beat it out of you? Give me my weekly steak and a couple of beers and I'll be happy. - Nico
     
      @hugo
    14/10/2008 14:22
    Dont be a hater now, chill we have an abundance of politicians so David needs to keep being funny as usual and you need to get a new packet of sense of humour....lol - Omania
     
      Good One
    14/10/2008 14:31
    I tried the box wine, not one of my best cost saving schemes, drank more, got sore head. - JG
     
      Come what may...
    14/10/2008 14:32
    Even if I pay for it with the cents in the piggy bank on the coffee table - I have to have my sunday morning breakfast and chai tea at any cafe as long as it isnt at home.... Great article - you make me laugh a lot... - Tanya
     
      Hard times
    14/10/2008 14:48
    Dear Hugo has obviously been forced to switch over to the brown bottles already! I would lose my sense of humour too! Viva the puppies!!! - Nielen
     
      Hard times
    14/10/2008 14:50
    Dear Hugo has obviously been forced to switch over to the brown bottles already! I would lose my sense of humour too! Viva the puppies!!! - Nielen
     
      so true
    14/10/2008 14:50
    My 3 cannot-live-withouts: shiraz, Meba double chocolate chip cookies, DSTV. You touch, you die! - meme
     
      Those puppies
    14/10/2008 15:05
    Leave my puppy-paper rigth in the loo please. We stock up in bulk whenever anyone has a special. That and decent coffee. - Stephan
     
      beans
    14/10/2008 15:08
    With all those beans, 3-ply loo paper will be necessary!! - Jill
     
      Funny column - food for the mind
    14/10/2008 15:19
    One cannot however help thinking of those who are unemployed through no fault of their own, who cannot afford even the toilet paper never mind the beers or Johnny Black and Jack Daniels. Sadly we won't know how they get by on less than nothing. Crazy mixed up world we live in where toilet paper is more crucial than childrens lives even if they belong to other people. - GailC
     
      Don't ask me to give up.....
    14/10/2008 15:25
    My extra virgin olive oil, puppy soft toilet paper and chicken breast fillets. Go Hugo, what a way to spoil a great read column! - SMG
     
      Budget recipe
    14/10/2008 15:28
    May I suggest a recipe that will safe you money. Prepare 1x 2 minute noodles, prepare 1x Instant soup. Add noodles to soup. Serve in expensive looking soupbowl. My boyfriend loves it. Thinks I'm the greatest chef in the world. Its cheap, costing R10 for dinner for 2... May even safe enough to afford the Heineken again. - HT
     
      Leave me with my...
    14/10/2008 15:31
    ...Lindt Dark Chilli Chocolate. I'm skimping on other things like meat just to afford it. Thanks David, if we can't chuckle albeit it cynically in the face of financial crisis then what's left! - ami
     
      Another money saving tip
    14/10/2008 15:41
    To all fretting the loss of puppy tiolet paper. May I suggest installing a bidet in your bathroom? On the Lindt Chocolate... You got me there. No compromise. - HT
     
      HUGO
    14/10/2008 15:45
    if it is so boring why did you read it!! - Chris
     
      @broke@sshell
    14/10/2008 15:47
    your phobia for magazines might cost you dearly in the end chap, honestly, you might need to cut down on the booze and smokes, bad for your health, i quit and my breath smells fresher and i actually have blood not drops of blood in my alcohol. worth thinking about - Omania
     
      At Hugo
    14/10/2008 15:55
    Haha, maybe they were Hugo's bricks they stole... what a chode - Mark
     
      Just realized I am at the bottom of the food chain!
    14/10/2008 16:13
    Double ply? Lindt chocolate? Bottled wine? Woolies? Jack Daniels? Bricks? UNDERPANTS? You people can actually afford that? O hell, I just realized I am DISADVANTAGED! Please help: Donations can be made to . . . . . . . - TB
     
      Opkikker
    14/10/2008 16:19
    Wel, het ek nou hierdie tong-in-die-kies artikel geniet! Het nou nog 'n smile op my gesig. 3 Dinge in hierdie tyd waarop ek nie afskaal nie: goeie olyfolie, sagte toiletpapier met cute hondjies op en goeie pasta! Kry ook goeie kwaliteit wyne teen laer prys by getwine.co.za. - Maxine
     
      noooo!
    14/10/2008 16:19
    Not the NikNaks :((( - kam
     
      Excellent
    14/10/2008 16:49
    my gut hurts - what a great article - laverne
     
         
    This comments facility is now closed.
     
     
     


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