Next year's news now

2008-12-17 12:00

David Moseley

One thing I enjoy very much about life is its predictability, and nothing is more predictable than the inability of the news to surprise us - even if the headlines do try and catch us out every now and again in the less reputable rags on sale ("Jesus Lives in My Toilet" - a classic from the Daily Voice).

Each year, as I'm sure all you intuitive readers have noticed, the same stories are rehashed over and over again, delivered in aghast tones and doom-mongering editorial. If the gatekeepers of the news world had their way, we'd all be drinking JIK with our Tonic water and not gin.

So, with 2008 drawing to a merry close - South Africa do have Australia on the ropes in first Test in Perth, after all - I thought I'd spare you the doom and gloom for 2009. That way you can get your future misery out of the way before January the 1st, and look forward to a year already knowing that the worst to come is far behind you. Like the mad media man Elliot Carver ranted in the Tomorrow Never Dies, here's tomorrow's news today, starting with obvious?

Thousands Die In Christmas Road Carnage (and Easter if you live that long)
Arrive Alive have reported that lots of people have died as a result of being morons. "This is nothing new," says Arrive Alive spokesperson Handbrake Van Heerden, "but we have to tell people what's going on in the mistaken belief that things might actually change on the roads when people go on holiday." In other news Taxis and un-road worthy cars were seen as major culprits. Really?

Winter: Floods and Heavy Rains Batter Western Cape. Residents shocked it rains.
In Cape Town. The Cape of Storms. With a rugby team called the Stormers. In Winter. Panic. Fret. Oh deary me.

For some reason the papers in the Cape are shockingly gob smacked when it starts raining in winter (mind you, they're also completely baffled by the beaches getting full in summer). I can understand this disbelieving reaction from some of the newer labels like the Daily Voice, but goodness me man, the Argus has been around since 1857. I'm almost sure they've endured a bad winter or two in that time.

Springbok Coach Under Fire
The Lions will arrive in South Africa with one English prop, 17 tiny Welshman, a token Scot, Brian O'Driscoll and a stowaway Italian, pip the Boks in the first Test, leading to Peter de Villiers' getting it in the neck from every sports hack in the country. This after all five of the local Super 14 sides have underperformed (again) at the start of the season, leaving De Villiers' no option but to pick the entire Sharks team for the Boks, because they at least looked like scoring a try against the Crusaders.

Also in the news:
Zimbabwe goes to hell. Inflation starts to rise in Monopoly money, while Mugabe changes the official currency to The Bob, at the same time blaming the British for a distinct lack of bespoke suites in his wardrobe. One cannot dictate in store-bought three-piece ensembles.

And:
Stuff blows up in Iraq, Afghanistan and Pakistan. People die. World mourns. West wags finger. No apparent change occurs.

And back home:
JZ blows hot air at Terror. Terror blows back. Helen Zille is quoted somewhere in the background. People go to the polls. No apparent change occurs.

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