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Rating performance
05/06/2007 09:08 - (SA)
David Moseley
You know you're a talented golfer when your handicap begins to slip into single figures. You know you're an excellent politician when nobody knows your name or you haven't bonked your niece in the family caravan. But how do you know when you've shown consistently good form in the sack?
How do you know if all your best and most depraved tricks in the bedroom are actually up to snuff and not just an anticlimactic end for the queasy partner who has to endure it all? Granted, most would just walk out if the sex wasn't up to scratch. But some people don't know any better.
I only ask this because two of my ex-girlfriends and my girlfriend (can't wait till they all meet) are all living within a kebab stick of each other in London. If I can't even keep girls in the same province, never mind their own country, I can only deduce that I must be utterly crap in bed.
But I'm cool with that. I know at least one person who thinks I have a winning personality. And that's all that counts at the end of the day. Not.
It's important to be a lover of astounding repute. Now obviously you have your off days when sweaty fingers fumble on bra-straps or you lick a nose instead of an ear. But we're talking relationships.
Let's pretend that you're all like me and you wait at least eight months before you start ripping your love's drawers off with your drooling gnashers.
That's odd...
So it's been a few months. You've gone to the movies, you've met the parents, you hold hands, you kiss viciously in dark because of the pent up sexual tension and by and large you have a pretty good idea that you might just like this person.
You may, heaven forbid, even be in love. You set the scene. The candles are lit, the vino is your first lubricant for the night and before you know it you have your teeth clenched and your hand up a skirt.
There's a couple of oohs and aahs (from her), a few ooh, ooh, ooohs from you and that's it. You lie back, deeply content that you've satisfied her carnal desires and she immediately drifts off to sleep thinking "that's odd. It was never like that when Jonno and I were dating. I'm not entirely sure this chap is right for me after all."
It's tough when you're starting out a relationship because there's always room for improvement in the bedroom. I was mortified last week when my girlfriend told me I'm "better now than in the beginning". Crisis.
There I was thinking that I was the Prince of Passion, master of all things nude that lay before me. I set the mood. I've got the sensual massage down. I'm better now than in the beginning?
Ja, well at least, at least, at least I've got a tan.
Better now? What are we supposed to do gents? Invite a phalanx of adjudicators in to score the proceedings like a surfing contest (nice ride, bit short, though), like a rugby writer gives marks out of 10 for a Bok performance?
"David was everywhere on the field today, but lacked direction. His hands were disappointing, while his finishing was lackluster. He needs to keep his chin up. Five out 10."
Better?
Send your comments to David.
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