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Not a sonnet in sight...
12/02/2008 12:22 - (SA)
David Moseley
Right. In two days time there will be scores of spurned and unhappy women across the world when they wake up and realise their cheapskate boyfriends/husbands/stalker exes have bought them a crappy mug with a teddy bear crammed into it that was stitched together in Kabul.
The bear will most likely be clutching a heart, a pack of Smarties, or if it was really made in Kabul, a small stick of dynamite. In fact, I'm sure there's more than one man who wouldn't be averse to the last option. "Hi honey, I'm home. Happy Valentine's Day. Kaboom. Aah. Sweet relief."
As far as manufactured celebrations go, Valentine's Day must be the worst. Christmas comes a close second, but it's partly redeemed because we're celebrating a birthday.
On Valentine's Day all we're doing is embracing the agony of being male and admitting that women can be easily bought off with a shiny trinket or a bottle of fizzy wine. Retail stores will even package their shampoo and conditioner sets into "Valentine's Bouquets" to encourage an emotional purchase. That's just low.
If we're going to make up special occasions, especially in South Africa, we should at least strive to be a tad more creative. We have so many wonderful moments in our country's proud history to celebrate and commemorate that it seems an absolute waste to continue with the Western infidels' love of saccharine greeting cards and heart-shaped chocolates.
New days ahead
Just off the top of my head I can think of two smashing celebratory days that will relegate the insipid Valentine's Day into the background.
An obvious early replacement is Dark Continent Day. On this fine day, a day of embracing the many cultures and pastimes of Africa, instead of treating your loved one to a romantic weekend away (so soft) you can take her to the nearest mob gathering. Here you can enjoy one of the many energetic rituals of the continent planned by local organising committees.
Feeling disgruntled on Dark Continent Day? Then why not set fire to the nearest mode of public transport. Not happy with your pay on Dark Continent Day? Organise a march down a busy main road, tipping rubbish bins as you go. Aggrieved at the way minority groups are embraced by those raging liberals?
Why not necklace the nearest holy man (though this is more likely to be tolerated on South-East Asia Day). Whatever your pleasure, though, Dark Continent Day will allow you and a loved one to fully embrace the spirit of Africa. And not a love sonnet in sight.
A further celebration to displace Valentine's Day is Day of Incompetence. Already gathering steam as a possibility in hollow halls of Parliament, Day of Incompetence will be a carnival atmosphere like no other. Absolutely nothing will happen.
You'll wake up in the morning, promising your dearly beloved bacon, eggs, croissants and a small Swedish schnauzer. And you'll leave for work without even saying goodbye. You'll arrive at the office and assure your boss that the reports will be on his desk at close of day. And you'll promptly retire to the boardroom for a mid-morning nap.
You'll come home, turn the lights on and...
Send your comments to David.
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