The midas touch
03/07/2008 08:38  - (SA)  

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Kgomotso Matsunyane

OMG.

So I see this hot number in the supermarket aisle, somewhere between Domestos and no name brand two ply toilet paper. He's a vision to behold; the tightest buns this side of the Kalahari, tall and broad shouldered, no boep (five extra points), and a blemishless, smooth, extra dark skin enhanced by a clean-shaven and perfectly shaped head.

What was supposed to be a quick run to the supermarket has now turned into a potentially serious escapade. I instantly wish I'd taken the time to wear make-up this morning, and I hope my Converse All Stars sends an "I'm comfortable and cool" as opposed to "I'm sloppy and lazy" message.

After a few minutes of "I see you but you must acknowledge me first" silliness, we eventually meet at the queue. I eventually pluck up the courage, do a quick scan of his purchases and offer a "I see you're a microwave expert," along with my most winning "I'm open to possibilities" smile.

My heart did a somersault when he returned my smile with a big laugh. Oh. My. God. He shouldn't have, because what was supposed to be a reward revealed my worst nightmare - a gold tooth. A gold friggin tooth!

Funny Fads

Now, I've got my own quirks in life and I consider myself more open minded than most, but there are definite no-nos - and gold teeth are so wrong, on all levels. What possesses a seemingly sane person to intentionally pay good money to have a piece of tacky looking metal stuck into their teeth for the world to see? I don't care if gold is a precious metal; on teeth it loses all value.

Now this is not the first or last time in recent SA history our populace has picked up on some really stupid fads - all for the sake of fronting, flossing or just for the look of it.

I remember back in boarding school in the mid-80s when spectacles became the "it" item to have - pupils would lie to optometrists about not being able to see, just so they could be "four eyes" and I'm assuming therefore look intelligent and sophisticated. Stupid, huh?

The problem with gold teeth is this - they are completely devoid of good breeding and class. Now we all know you can't buy class, and some of the richest people in the world can die without ever accumulating any. For me, class is all about good taste, and gold teeth are the antithesis. It doesn't help that this fad is most popular among the working class than any other segment of our population. How can they afford it, I ask?

Prejudice

My prejudice is so strong I can't even imagine kissing someone with a gold tooth. I've just never seen it look attractive, ever! In this day and age, there is no good reason for people to have bad dentals. I know of overseas visitors who come here for "dental safaris", because we have some of the best dentists in the world. Of course our rand is so battered that when you're paying in pounds or dollars, the cost is negligible.

The presentation of one's mouth says a lot about a person - from the moisturising of the lips, to the shade of the teeth, to the replacement of a complete set of dentures. Even Ringo Madlingozi filled the gap that used to haunt his mouth - he must have figured out that he was a bigger babe magnet with the gap closed. I bet he probably sells more CDs now than ever, and I for one give credit to his improved smile.

Now if we can just get the Iron Duke to do the same, we might just pull off this 2010 business without completely *&%?ing it up completely. I know it's a stretch, but I'm just putting up a suggestion here.

Whatever currency you possess, investing in your mouth is one of the best investments you'll ever make. Investing in gold is a completely separate proposition altogether and should have nothing to do with decorating your mouth.

So if you'd lost your way and you read this with a little sparkler in your mouth, have some pride, open wide, and take the damn thing out.