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DEATH is something I would like to enjoy while lying in a warm bed, old and satisfied with my life. Not for wanting six rolls and two litres of milk!

But that is sadly more of a possibility thanks to the inconside?rate, rude and possibly brainless masses of flesh and bone who drive on our roads. This might upset many, but I have been li?ving in Cape Town for two years now and can confidently say that common courtesy on the road is much better in Johannesburg than it is here.

Calm down. It's true. Get over it and pay attention. Let's start with the first (and most important) feature of the car: the one the salesman neg?lected to tell you about. Indicator lights. That's right, lets say it together, I N D I C A T O R L I G H T S. Common in all (roadworthy) vehicles, these marvellous inventions are used to signal the movement of your vehicle from one lane to another, so your fellow road user knows of your intentions. It is not acceptable to put them on for a split second before you turn, or after someone has shown you the middle finger.

They should be used a fair distance before you plan to execute a turn. They are located just behind the steering wheel (the stee?ring wheel is the big round thing that is fun to turn in any direction) and are activated by pushing the lever up or down.

Got it? Good.

Now, what is the main rule of the road? Anybody? Thought so. Keep left, pass right. Please repeat it throughout your whole journey today.

When driving on a road that offers you two lanes, the left is the slow lane, the right is the fast lane (for overta?king). Resist driving 40 km/h in the right lane, directly opposite another fool in the left lane driving at the same speed. The excuse that you want the person on the left to see your best side is not acceptable, because you have no best side. So please speed up or slow down, indicate, and move into the left lane to allow traffic to flow. Thank you.

Next topic: four-way stops. Let's break that down. Four-way means traffic coming from four directions. The tricky one seems to be stop. Stop means STOP! Push your brakes until your vehicle is not moving, not even an inch. If you are the first to do this, you have right of way and you may proceed. Cros?sing the stop line at 50 km/h before the person who has stopped does not give you the right of way.

If you don't believe this is correct, please cut your forged driver's licence up into little pieces and dispose of it, and never drive again.

Last but not least: traffic circles. Or more fittingly known as the RINGS OF DEATH! This might be a shocker, but the main objective when approaching these "death rings" is not to put your head down, flatten the accelerator pedal and hope for the best. It's actually quite simple. Slow down completely, check both ways, and if there is no traffic in the circle or coming into the circle from your right hand side, you may go.

On a last note, if you drive a bus or a taxi, you are probably hated by most people, including me and possibly many of your family members. Let's be a little more courteous and like the advert says, arrive alive.

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