Go away Zuma, go away go away
2006-05-10 09:22
Chris Roper
Have you ever read one of those sci-fi stories where the hero is stuck on an asteroid with a ghastly mind-reading Bug Eyed Monster, and his only hope of survival is if he doesn't think of pink elephants?
It's almost impossible to not think of pink elephants. Go on, try it. Take a minute, and don't think about pink elephants. See, it's impossible. For me, that pink elephant is Jacob Zuma. In fact, for the whole of South Africa, Zuma is our pink elephant. As much as we would love to stop thinking about him, we can't. The Bug Eyed Monster is going to get us! Aargh!
You open a news site, and there it is. Zuma. You go out for dinner, and that's all people want to talk about. Zuma. Even when they don't want to talk about Zuma, they find that they start doing it anyway. It's like they've got Zumette's Syndrome, which is a bit like Tourette's, where people suddenly find themselves shouting out a four-letter swear word. Oh. In fact, it's exactly like Tourette's. Zuma! No, YOUR Zuma, buddy.
Did I say Zuma is like a pink elephant? I meant white elephant. He's South Africa's white elephant, the pressie in waiting we can't get rid of. This has nothing to do with his current state of innocence, as the entire world, or at least the entire non-Zulu world, believes that Zuma is only innocent until eventually proven guilty. Of something. Anything.
Unfair on Zuma
This is unfair on Mr Zuma, of course. To be judged in the court of public opinion is an evil thing, although some might say it's only fair considering the way Zuma supporters have publicly judged Mr Zuma's consensual partner (the woman previously known as "the victim").
What is a consensual partner, you ask? According to Zuma's advocate, Camp J Camp ("Twice as much camp as ordinary men!", as his business card says), a consensual partner is someone who forgot to say no.
Ah, we mustn't grumble. The law is the law, and the law has come a long way in South Africa. Remember how terrible it was during the years of apartheid, when the law was only for white men! Now it's for black men too. Eventually, it'll be for women as well, I guess. Although I wouldn't put my cultural weapon on a block about that.
What's the percentage of successfully prosecuted rape cases in this country? Five percent? It's almost impossible to get a conviction. Never mind that, it's almost impossible to get sympathy. A friend of mind puts it like this:
If you're a women and your handbag gets stolen for the third time, people are totally sympathetic. "Poor you! And those damn criminals! I hope they get caught." But if you get raped for the third time, people look at you askance. Hmm. Raped THREE times, eh? You must have been asking for it."
And now it starts, the Zuma spindoctors trundling out the damage control. He apologises to the nation for having unprotected sex with an HIV-positive woman, but he denies that he has harmed South Africa's Aids prevention programme. He tells us, "I am not an angel", which I'm sure will come as a shock to most of us. He also graciously extends the hand of friendship (but no other body parts this time) to the woman who accused him of rape.
The only way to get away from the media frenzy is to move to some far-flung, desolate part of the world. A place like Kwa-Zulu Natal, where the men are men, and the women are grateful.
You just have to jab a Zulu woman with a finger, and then say - well, I've started you now, guess I'll have to finish you off. It's paradise. And if you think that's a ludicrous image, remember - that's the way the rest of the world now thinks about South Africa, thanks to the Zuma trial.
Chris Roper intended to write this column about cars. But suddenly - Zuma.
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See Chris's previous columns in his blog The World
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